Journal Entry: Saturday, January 25, 2014
The days seem incredibly long and exhausting. I am still not sleeping well. Evenings turn into lengthy conversations full of disclosure details and heartache for me. He is still holding back, avoiding answering questions and answering the same questions differently each time. My biggest trigger is his continued lying. I tend to ask him the same questions in different ways to test his truthfulness. I cry so much and so often I have been suffering from horrible leg cramps. I go to sleep feeling sad, have fitful dreams and nightmares, and then wake up feeling alone. I have been to three therapy sessions in the last 36 hours. Each appointment strips me of any energy I might have had when I walked into the therapist’s office. I do not feel better about the situation after I leave. I went to my individual therapist again, and B’s regular therapist wanted to see me to make sure I was holding up okay. I had never met him. I really like him. He reiterated the seriousness of B’s condition and his desire for B to seek out a specialist in the area of sex addiction. He had initially recommended B immediately check himself into an inpatient facility. B did not take this advice, however, as he was scared. I was also worried about him being away so long, about our business, and me being incredibly lonely. Most of B’s acting out happened while he was traveling on business. His being away from home is a HUGE trigger for me. I am now beginning to realize, however, that as long as I knew he was locked up in a safe facility getting help, it would be better than what we are currently going through, which entails a whole lot of confusion, trauma and heartache from my end.
Today we were in the car together for about three hours. We took a drive out to a beautiful spot where we will be leaving our dogs next week. We’ve had a couple big trips scheduled since before Discovery Day (D-Day). Honestly, we travel a great deal. For every business trip he took with his mistress over the past five years (approximately 45 partial days worth), we have traveled together for both business and leisure at least five times that amount. I wonder if she realizes that? I think she thought she had a commodity on B’s travel time, and that’s a joke. Not to mention many of our trips are tropical!!! Who would spend their hard earned money on a few hours of sex with your married male friend (read unpaid whore) in Helsinki in January, knowing that when you return home, he will ignore you for the next 6-8 months!!! No sane person, that’s for sure, but I digress. For my husband’s 50th birthday, I purchased him the gift of a 15-Night Panama Canal Cruise. The final payment was due on January 10th, the day before D-Day. I have nearly cancelled that trip on numerous occasions in the past 2 weeks. Unfortunately at this point, we would lose all our money. Hopefully by the time we leave for that trip in March, I will have made some significant progress, or it is going to be one hell of a trip, and not in a good way.
The drive out to the dog ranch is beautiful and normally we might have found a couple fun places to stop on the way… maybe get a hot chocolate, or a sandwich. Unfortunately, I was having a really rotten morning. I was living inside my head, which is a very bad place lately. My husband doesn’t really mind it as he can ignore my feelings and emotions and he doesn’t have to answer any uncomfortable questions… and I can come up with some mighty uncomfortable questions. He turned on the radio as a diversion from the deathly silence. Foreigner’s ‘I want to know what love is’ was playing. Ah, the 80’s. B and I met in January 1984. We started dating in September 1984. We got engaged in November 1985. Songs from the mid-80’s are very nostalgic, reminders of college and meeting the man of my dreams… or so I thought. As I sat there listening to the radio, I thought back to the first time I saw him, our first date, and our first time. I am not sure I could have felt more miserable than I felt in that moment in that car on that road. I sat there and thought, if I had it to do all over again, would I? Would I ever put myself or anyone else through this hell I am going through? My first instinct was, no, absolutely not, of course not, no way. But then I thought, without my husband, I would not have my two amazingly wonderful children, the lights of my life. The greatest joy I have ever felt is through my children. I would never, ever give that up for anything.
I would absolutely do it all over again.