Journal Entry: Sunday, January 26, 2014

“You were the lightning, and I was the tree. Your words were the fire, burning the best parts of me.” MMH

We have a visitor. He is a friend of my husband who is also a client. He has been living in the U.S. for a few years now. He is single and a really nice guy who adores my husband and he wanted to come visit us and stay with us before he heads back to his home country. It’s just for one night. I thought it would be okay.

We did some sightseeing today and everything went fine. I managed to hang in there without too many triggers or moments where my mind just floated away into nothingness. Sometimes I start cycling and it gets to be too much and I just seem to disappear. Today was okay though. At least for a while.

Being around other people and pretending that things are normal is really difficult, but I do not know any other way. What would people do, or think, if I just burst into tears, all the time? I do not know how difficult holding everything in is, until I get back home and then all that I was keeping inside just sort of tumbles out of me. Usually a flood of tears, sometimes there are words.

Tonight was one of those nights where I got something stuck in my head and I couldn’t get it out. I kept thinking about the trips he had admitted to taking with “her.” I knew there were trips to Asia, and Europe, and domestic trips as well. Last count was 9 or 10 trips or something like that. At one point during discovery he mentioned Sweden. My husband does not regularly travel to Sweden, but he does on occasion. The last time he was in Stockholm was quite some time ago and our son was with him. It was so long ago, I think it was even before his 8-year affair. So Sweden was kind of stuck in the back of my mind, because I just couldn’t reconcile it.

The reason Sweden is a big deal to me, is because my Mother’s family is from Sweden and I have been wanting to make a trip there for a while. We had briefly stopped in Stockholm on a cruise we took with the family in Summer 2005. I had been thinking about it and mentally planning a trip there in my head for some time. And then it came to me.

He had been a presenter at a week long conference in Gothenburg, Sweden in May 2011. I had planned to go on that trip with him. It was just after my birthday and even though I knew he would be in the conference all day, there would be time for me to go sightseeing, maybe even to some neighboring cities, and then see him in the evenings, eat meals with him, etc… We had even planned to schedule the trip over the weekend so he could do some sightseeing with me. As the trip approached, it became obvious that our younger son wanted to attend a music festival in a neighboring state over that same time period. We have had some safety issues with our kids at this particular music festival in the past, which is about a four hour drive from our home. If our son decided to go to the music festival, we would have to make sure someone would be available in case of emergency. Our son was still in high school at the time. We found out the festival was sold out. I was relieved. But then, my husband decided to purchase our son very expensive after market tickets to the festival and proceeded to work away on me and my mommy guilt. In the end, “we” decided I needed to stay home and make sure our son was safe. “We” didn’t want to leave that responsibility with my parents. They are my children after all and my most important job in life. I have lived with this as my mantra for the past 23 years. I was sad and disappointed, but knew there would be other trips to Sweden in my future.

As it turns out, she went to Gothenburg with him. The trip I had so wanted to go on. The trip I had planned to go on. The trip I had researched and prepared for, but was unable to go on due to my desire to keep our children safe and properly parented. How long did it take him once I bowed out to call her and give her the details. Was it an hour, two hours, a day, or 15 minutes. Or had he indeed already planned to go with her knowing I would fall to his plan once he purchased the festival tickets. How excited was he that he was going to be able to share this trip with her. It did end up being a long one too, and over that weekend I had planned for. He must have dreamed of the sex for weeks. How did his heart feel when he met her at the gate at the airport, after I had dropped him at the curb. How excited was he when she gave him a hand job on the plane. Was the hotel I booked for him nice enough? After sex, when their bodies were snuggled up together, did he long to be there with her, or did he have this remorse, shame, and regret he talks about. When he neglected to contact me during the entire trip even though I emailed him numerous times, did he ever think of me and what he was doing to me and our relationship and our family? Did he realize how lonely I was, home by myself. It was over a holiday weekend, everyone else was off with their families and he was off with her, and I was alone.

On this fateful night, when I realized he had taken her to Gothenburg, I wanted to die. I literally wanted to leave my body and never return. There is only so much one human being can stand. He has taken me to the limits of my self. He has stripped me of everything I was and every dream I had for my past, present and future. He has destroyed me. I went into my office and began obsessively going through the calendar for the past five years. Looking at every business trip he took, wondering about how many more discoveries I was going to have to endure, how many more lies he was still keeping. I started sobbing, uncontrollably. The sobs were coming from a deep place inside me. A place I did not even know existed. I could not stop the sobbing. I could not stop the pain. Our son came into the room and said, “mommy, you are going to wake the guest” and I screamed “FUCK HIM, I DON’T CARE IF HE HEARS ME.” This behavior is so unbelievably unlike me. Our son quickly exited the room. My husband was with me, trying to calm me down. And finally I did calm down, but not without knowing that another little piece of me had died.

Later, my son came back into my room and gave me a hug and told me I was going to be okay. I hope he turns out to be right. I really do.

I did not get up this morning to make breakfast for my husband and his guest. I slept in. Well, I stayed in bed with the door closed. Sleeping has become a thing of the past. They did just fine without me. I am sure our guest did not hear me last night. The guest room is two floors below my office. My husband says our guest thanked me for a wonderful day and cannot wait to come back for another visit…