journal Entry: July 30, 2014
Today is the anniversary of the last time my husband had sexual relations with a woman other than me. Nearly 30 years after we started dating, and one day after our 24th wedding anniversary, my husband had a “quickie” sexual liaison with his eight year affair partner, for the very last time. It was not the last time they spoke, but it was the last time he gave her something that belonged to me. Instead of harping on this last encounter, which I touched on a couple posts ago, I am going to document here what I know about my husband’s sexual partners. Who were they? How did he know them? Why did they have sex with my husband? I do not know any of these woman personally and I have not met any of them. I have seen two of them in person and have seen pictures of all three. This is my version of their story based on what I know about them and what my husband has told me over the years (before I knew they were affair partners) and more importantly what he has shared with me over the past few months, post discovery.
I will preface the stories with the fact that my husband has been a sex addict since he was young. He has obsessively masturbated to porn since he was a teen, including our entire marriage. I knew he masturbated and watched porn when he traveled on business. It never bothered me. I did not know he had a problem. His porn addiction escalated (as it often does for sex addicts, apparently) to full blown “affairs.” I hate to even call them affairs because an affair sounds like something much more interesting and romantic, still wrong in my opinion, but titillating none the less. As you will see, these “affairs” just aren’t very romantic, and for the most part, are very very sad. The things that define my husband as a sex addict (versus a chronic sex obsessed cheater), are the fact that he has serious childhood wounds and has been hiding his obsessive sexual behavior since he was a child, that he felt shame and remorse after every sexual encounter, that his behavior was risky and went against who he really wanted to be, or how he thought of himself, and the fact that he had no feelings for his acting out partners, and every time he had an encounter with an acting out partner, he swore to himself that it would never happen again and that he could manage his own behavior. When I found out about his secret life in January of this year, he had certainly been out of control and completely unmanageable.
I will call the first ‘acting out partner’, Ashley (after the affair website Ashley Madison):
In the mid 90’s my husband worked for a large company that had offices all over the world. Our children were preschool age and I had my own small bookkeeping business. We were both hard working people trying to make ends meet and raise two small boys. My husband hated his job. He had graduated law school and then the economy took a dive. He couldn’t get a decent job with a law firm so he ended up working for a large company in a job he didn’t like. For his job, he was in contact with multiple offices and he struck up a phone “friendship” with a woman, two states away, named Ashley. At the time, Blue Eyes and Ashley didn’t really talk about anything too personal, she was just a friendly voice on the phone. Apparently he “thought about her” occasionally even though he had no idea what she looked like. Blue Eyes then went to work for a different large company and lost contact with Ashley. By the late 90’s my husband was out on his own working as an independent consultant. Most of his clients were in California, in the very town where Ashley lives. She was married with two daughters. Blue Eyes traveled to California up to 23 days of each month. His travel schedule was brutal on everyone, especially our boys since he was barely home. I begged Blue Eyes to figure out a way to work from our home city. If not for me, and our marriage, then for his sons. Since my husband’s father was never home, and he and his brother spent very little time with their father, his schedule didn’t seem unreasonable to him, plus trying to figure out a way to duplicate the income he was producing in California didn’t seem feasible. By this time, our boys were firmly ensconced in their school, a highly regarded language immersion program, so we didn’t want to uproot them. Also, we live in my home town, near my loving family. We were lucky to see Blue Eyes on weekends. What I know now, that I didn’t realize fully then, was that my husband was incredibly stressed out all the time trying to keep all his clients happy. His porn addiction was at an all time high. Adding even more stress, was his decision to put together a venture fund that he could run from our home city, but that meant, on top of all the other consulting work he was doing, he would have to solicit investors for his fund. With his stress at an all time high, and his addiction escalating, he called Ashley and asked her if she would help him with prepping the paperwork for the fund. She, apparently jumped at the chance. What did he offer her in terms of compensation? Absolutely nothing. Apparently she was very happy to hear from Blue Eyes and happy to help him on her free time, for free. They met for coffee and discussed the fund. Ashley turned out to be a beautiful, and voluptuous woman of hispanic descent, who bleached her long dark hair blonde. They reacquainted and over time, Ashley started sharing with Blue Eyes about her failing marriage. She told Blue Eyes how her husband was inattentive to her needs. How her husband didn’t seem attracted to her anymore and their marriage was failing, and she was unhappy. Blue Eyes gave her the much needed stroking we all want in times of need. He told her she was extremely attractive and he told her how much he enjoyed their time together, how smart she was and how he enjoyed their conversations. The more Ashley and Blue Eyes met, the worse her marriage became. Eventually, Blue Eyes asked her if she would visit him at his hotel room. She said, yes. They had sex once in Blue Eyes hotel room in Spring 1999. She left his room after the sex. Their relationship changed. He no longer used her for the fund, but he casually kept in contact with her by email and phone. She wanted more, he said no. She tried to make it work with her husband. A few months later my husband was working for a company that provided him with an apartment. It was a few hours drive or a short plane flight away from Ashley’s home. Ashley begged to come visit Blue Eyes. She purchased a plane ticket. He took her back to his apartment where they had sex for the second and last time. She cried and told him how miserable she was in her marriage and begged Blue Eyes for a more serious relationship. He reminded her that he was a “happily” married man with a wife and kids back home and there was nothing between them, except sex. He drove her to the airport in the middle of the night, in tears. While he was feeding his addiction, she was having her heart broken, again. They saw each other on occasion, but never had any sexual contact again. He let her bring her daughters to his apartment to swim in the pool. What a guy. Years later, she called my husband at his office here in our home town and asked him what had happened all those years ago, between the two of them, and he said, nothing. And he asked her never to call him again.
I will call the second partner, Monica (after Monica Lewinsky), also known on this blog as the Slutty Secretary:
Blue Eyes did eventually pull together his venture fund and in 2001, he returned to our home town. He no longer worked away from home, but he did continue to travel to California, and Internationally, mostly Asia. It was at this time in our marriage when my husband decided to become much more secretive with me. Prior to the fund, I had always kept his books, paid the bills, did the taxes. He said with the fund, he needed to end my involvement in the business. Legitimize the business more… i.e., not have his wife working with him. He told me he was working from a start up company’s offices downtown. They had provided him with his own work space and he could utilize some of their staff. I cannot even remember how he struck that deal. He did work out of that downtown start up office, for a while. What transpired, at this company downtown, was the nurturing of the “relationship” with his second acting out partner, Monica. Monica was a VERY CURVY, and single woman (who told my husband she was younger, but wasn’t actually). She had very large breasts and a very large everything else. My husband likes to call her voluptuous, but I think obese might be a better word for her. I will say, she has a cute face. She is also of hispanic decent, like his first acting out partner. They flirted mercilessly with each other. Then, Monica was laid off from her job at the start up. Blue Eyes decided to hire her and tasked her with finding him a reasonably priced office that she then furnished with used and mismatched furniture. She turned out to be the highest paid mediocre secretary in the city. They continued to flirt once they were together in his new office space. My husband lied to me and did not tell me anything about his new office space, or his new secretary. In the Fall of 2001, Blue Eyes and Monica began a sexual affair that never left his little downtown office. Nice way to legitimize a business, eh. They had sex about once or twice a week, when he was in town, over a period of about three months. I asked him, why not more sex… he is a sex addict after all, with a built in slut. Why not have sex non-stop, kind of like his masturbation obsession. He said because he did not want to be having an affair. That he had sex only when he couldn’t control himself. That he always felt shameful and every time told himself it would be the last. Then, Monica asked for more. She asked if they could go out to lunch together, or go on a real date. Realize, Blue Eyes’ office was only three miles from our home. I am not a suspicious wife and I had no idea my husband was having an affair, but I do go downtown, and we do know a lot of people. And that is when he called it off. Blue Eyes ended their sexual relationship, just like that. Over. He told Monica she needed to go find her own man that would love her and treat her right. Someone that belonged to her. And she did. She proceeded to join a bunch of online dating sites and was engaged within two months. No doubt her profile pictures showed off those huge breasts, maybe her biggest asset. My husband said the most interesting thing about her was that she could suck her own nipples. How sweet. In the meantime, a friend whose husband had had lunch with Blue Eyes informed me that she wanted to redecorate my husband’s office. She is an interior designer. I said to her, “what office?” Then, while Blue Eyes’ obnoxious sister and brother in law were in town visiting, Blue Eyes was seen at the bar in his office building playing darts with Monica, draped in her scarf, and draped in her. Once I found out about his office, and his slutty secretary, not only did he act like it was no big deal, but he also asked me to go buy her a Christmas gift. WTF? Apparently with people so skilled at compartmentalizing, once the affair was over, he could very easily and adeptly act like it had never happened. I had cause to believe he had acted inappropriately, but never suspected a full blown affair, and certainly nothing as disgusting as sex on the old, cheap used sofa the slutty secretary had chosen for just that purpose. After the first of the year, my husband fired her. Just like that, she was out of our lives. She still lives here. She is still married to the same guy from the dating site, and she now works for the IRS, and she references working for my husband’s business for four months thirteen years ago as previous “work” experience on her LinkedIn account. What a prize.
I will call the third partner, Camilla (after Camilla Parker Bowles), also known on this blog as the old, hoarding, smoking, alcoholic whore:
I have talked a lot about Camilla on this blog so I will keep this brief. My husband put in a Craig’s List Ad and Camilla answered it. My husband and Camilla had an ‘on again, off again’ relationship lasting for approximately eight years. My husband spent eight years lying to Camilla in order to get her to have sex with him when he wanted it. He gave her very little else, lies and sex. There was no real relationship. She is a pathetic woman who obviously has no self esteem. She desperately tried to break up our marriage and spent months stalking me. She is 58 years old, heavy set, with gray hair dyed red previously, bleached blonde now. She is mean and evil and blackmailed my husband for years. He brought it all on himself and he got his drug when he needed it. She is a self professed nymphomaniac and has drawers full of sex toys because she has no man in her life, except my husband for the handful of times that they were together over the years. No doubt she spends time in the online sex chat rooms pretending like she is a beautiful young sexy thing. She apparently orgasmed every single time she rode my husband (cuz whores never lie). Part of their ritual was a blindfold for my husband and I can certainly see why. My husband concocted elaborate rituals by which they were rarely seen together in the towns they traveled to and if someone came to their hotel room, she hid in the bathroom. When I asked what he would have said if someone saw them on a plane together, or walking with each other, he said he would have told them it was just some old lady he didn’t know, or maybe an old aunt, or older sister. He didn’t really care because he didn’t think anyone would believe he was “with” her. And he was probably right.
When I learned about my husband’s acting out partners, I was dumbfounded. He risked everything for what I have described here. What a waste.
12 thoughts on “Feeding the Beast: my husband’s affair partners”
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It makes me shudder with a chill when I think of the lies that he has told about me. Always that small kernal of truth that is the base of their story and then the added features to really make it good add a little sympathy for the poor, poor victim and you have the receipe they use in the grooming of new playthings. Sick and twisted if you ask me.
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“Apparently with people so skilled at compartmentalizing once the affair is over, he could very easily and adeptly act like it never happened”.
I think you hit the nail on the head with this one. Made me realize that’s kinda it – he acts like it never happened -ever. Probably why he never wanted to talk about it he thinks it didn’t happen. Like the line in my poem “His Birthday Cake”
“Thinks that he has done no wrong,
as sure as I sit in this chair
Certain that if you did ask him,
he thinks he did not “affair”.”
What an ass mine is to walk around like he is so angelic, never done a thing wrong in his life. Poor baby, my victim needs to be saved by the harem. He doesn’t know some of the things that I DO know and the other things I suspect. I do know that while my co-dependancy issues fuel his addiction, despite the fact I know it’s not my fault. It’s tough to break tje co -D habits when you’ve been raised as one my whole ( hole) – lol life. Yep groomed throughout my child hood from my dusfunc family of origin. Like the Pink song says:
“Why do I do that, why do I do that?
I call it the OJ Simpson complex. Somehow they literally talk themselves out of the crime they committed. The mind is a powerful thing. I know, because I have had a hard time controlling mine since this whole nightmare began.
And I love Pink, and especially that song, and that line.
I absolutely LOVE all of Pinks music. Was lucky enough to get to see her two years ago for my birthday. She was incredible-the acrobatics and to be able to continue to belt out those songs was amazing. She always inspires me to keep my head on straight and not give up on myself.
Lucky! I am not a big concert-goer, but I would go see Pink. She was here in our town a couple years ago, but we were out of town :(.
I have been very lucky when it comes to concerts and seating -have had some awesome seats at many. 4th row center Rolling Stones, 1st row center Ray Charles and also the Rightous Bros. & Santana, Tina Turner, & Brooks & Dunn & Paul McCartney (the last event at Candlestick Park) to name a few. Since I was a teen i’ve been to over 100 concerts-i love music but now have to watch for those damn triggers. If she (Pink) comes back your way definitely try to go – you won’t regret it -one of the best shows i’ve ever seen.
Wow, those are some great concerts. I sent my husband with my boys when the Stones and Paul McCartney were here years ago. Also really amazing seats. I already had anxiety around a crowd of people like that before dday. Not sure what it would be like now. If Pink comes back, I will definitely go. My PTSD will just have to take a back seat 🙂 .
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Wowch. I hope you never run into any of these women.
I am curious though – are you still as mad at them for his behavior as you were in July? I know I had a tendency to want to blame some of the women my husband saw. But he lied to and manipulated me all the time. I’m pretty sure none of them really knew how badly he was hurting me. Addicts are the best liars.
I was never actually mad at them. Frustrated with the whole damn situation, yes. Mad at my husband, YES. I tried for a long time to understand them and I believe that I do, understand them. They were lonely, hurt, vulnerable women, all three of them. My husband is to blame. He is a predator. I have written about this a few times. Would I do what they did, nah, but that’s me. I cannot live in another’s shoes. I have people that think my life is perfect. We have money, we travel a lot. We have a lot of “toys.” That all means nothing if you don’t have trust and integrity in a marriage. The third acting out partner did stalk me and does blame me, but c’est la vie. At this point I am just trying to figure out what my path is. She has her own shit to deal with. ADDICTS ARE THE BEST LIARS! I totally agree with you there, sister. With the third AP, I just kept asking my husband what he told her to keep her coming back (and eventually blackmailing him). It could not have been the sex. I’m sorry, but no. After eight years, it was not JUST SEX. Finally, after a couple months he admitted all the lies he told her about ME. She was obsessed with me, and why he would “need” her. What was I doing wrong and so, over the years, he laid it on thick. She now believes I am mean, abusive, neglectful, frigid, and not nurturing. You name it, she believes it. No closure there, obviously. She will die thinking my husband loves and needs her, and I will die knowing my husband was willing to lie about me to get sex from an old hoarding alcoholic whore. Life ain’t fair.
Btw, I read with intrigue your situation. I hope 2015 IS the year you gain the strength to fight for what you know is right in your life. You deserve to feel safe and be loved. I hope you find the one (or ones, whichever the case may be). :). Thanks for reading.
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Ashley, Monica, Camilla. What a miserable bunch (love the names, hilarious!). I know you must look back and think “How the FUCK did I not know what was happening?!”. Especially with Camilla – wow, what was the attraction THERE? But they become excellent liars, they hide evidence, the learn to act ‘normal’ when with us. It really is like one day discovering everything you knew to be true is a fucking sham. You feel like you’re in some weird alternate reality. It really does rock your world. SWxo
I do look back and say exactly that. How the FUCK did I not see ANYTHING. With Ashley, of course it all happened out of our state while he was away, and she did do work for him (I kept waiting to receive a bill from her), so he could mention her without too much suspicion. He made up all kinds of things about her, but mainly, of course, she was happily married with two kids. Also, he told me she worked for an attorney friend of his, so she was skilled at what he needed, work wise. LIE. I knew Monica was a problem, but not that they were having sex, in the office, ew. It’s just so weird how he said he needed to legitimize everything for his investors, put on a more professional look, then he proceeds to hire a large, slutty, trashy woman for his office. Yuck. I never saw her in person, but I have seen pictures. I saw one picture and I was like, wow, she is large and my husband’s response… wow, she looks really small in that picture! I was clueless about Camilla. The attraction to Camilla was completely addiction driven. She had the lady parts and was willing to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. It was about the secret life, not the woman. She is just too broken and pathetic to get that. It is HUMILIATING to me. The first thing I asked him after discovery was, you were willing to trade everything you have in your life for THAT? I told him I felt like a piece of garbage. Of course, for him, it had nothing to do with what we looked like. Just that one of us was his wife “in his real world.” And the other was his whore in his sick, twisted, messed up, demented, fake addict world. It didn’t matter what she looked like as long as she fed him the drug. I still wake up and for a split second forget how fucked up my life is. Also, now, all these months later, everything he did to keep himself “acting normal,” is all out of whack. Hello detox. Ugh.
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