Oh happy day!

There are a few reasons I am feeling much happier today. First, Blue Eyes and I had a long discussion this afternoon regarding taking a break from couple’s counseling. At first he thought we should continue because I seemed to be in a better mood when we left counseling each Tuesday afternoon. After I explained to him that I am tense and unhappy before couple’s counseling, frustrated and sometimes sad during the therapy sessions, and ecstatic after therapy because I am so relieved it is over and I don’t have to think about attending again for another week, he agreed we should stop for now. I could have just put my foot down and refused to go, but I wanted him to agree that it wasn’t helping me or our coupleship. I admit I am a stubborn person, and I am not going to take responsibility for the agony that is couple’s therapy. The truth is, I want Blue Eyes to not be a sex addict and to not have betrayed me and lied to me for decades in order to protect his secret sex life. Since, for obvious reasons, I cannot have that, I want Blue Eyes to be recovered already. Well, I can’t have that either because recovery from addiction is a long process and Blue Eyes still has months if not years of therapy and step meetings (I am guessing) before he will feel comfortable in his own skin and will be able to get through a day without feeling shame, guilt, anger, resentment, and most of all, fear. In the meantime, I want him to focus on doing just that. On getting better for himself and therefore, better for me and our marriage. I know there will be difficult days as I bounce off of his negative emotions. I acknowledge and accept that. I will do my best to stay as grounded as possible. The fact that I am so thrilled that we will not be attending couple’s counseling anymore (something I actually orchestrated because I thought it would help) says something about how little the therapy is helping and how much it is making me miserable. The deal with therapists who have been counseling sex addicts for many years is, at one time, the only recourse for the spouse of a sex addict was to basically be diagnosed as a co-addict and then handled as if we exhibited our own addictive symptoms (we were theoretically addicted to the addict and to his behavior?) that needed to be managed through a 12 step group in order for us to “get better.” A lot of people still associate with this model and a lot of spouses attend S-Anon. All of the other women in Ms. Second Chance’s wives of sex addicts support group attend S-Anon. It made me the odd wife out that I did not associate with that model. Co-dependency and S-Anon fit squarely into the old model that obviously (from our couple’s therapy sessions) Ms. Second Chance still embraces. Anyone who regularly reads this blog knows, I never associated as a co-addict and early on I received trauma therapy. I am grateful for that therapy and for the fact that there are people out there providing such treatment. I decided that rather than look for another couple’s therapist at this time, if I felt I needed help, I would call my Los Angeles trauma therapist and get her advice. I do not feel like I need to do that at this point. I will, however, back away from Blue Eyes and his recovery as he needs to be able to heal on his own. Watching him make progress on his own will be as good as couple’s therapy in my mind. I am lucky that Blue Eyes does take responsibility for all his actions, he does not blame me for any of his acting out, he immediately wanted to get help for himself and has done that, and he continues to attend both therapy and 12 step group every week. He still struggles with depending on me in a childlike way for security and comfort, and he does live in fear of me leaving him. Those are two things he needs to work on for our marriage to continue, along with all the other emotions and feelings associated with his addiction that he is working through. He has a lot of healing to do.

In the meantime, I feel so much better!!!

While watching my favorite tennis player, Roger Federer, in his second round match at Wimbledon this afternoon on TV (taped of course) I finished two paintings. I feel compelled to constantly put disclaimers on my art because I am so new to acrylic paints and I have been trying to break away from my desire to be a realist. All my previous paintings in the past 10 years have been realist style using oil paints. Total novice work, but I was getting comfortable with it. These newer paintings are less real and the acrylics are incredibly bright and I have wanted to embrace that and my workshop in April was amazing. This weekend, however, I do plan to go to the art store and replenish my oils as I honestly feel so much more comfortable with them. I gave the acrylics a try and I am sure I will do more acrylic painting, but I am dying to paint the Japanese Cherry Blossoms and I dream of doing that in oils.

In the meantime, I did finish the succulent painting (excuse the horrible photos and lighting):

succulents painting‘Esalen Succulents’, 11″ x 14″, acrylic on canvas

I also had been working on turning one of my Sumi-e paintings into an acrylic:

sumi-e bird pomegranate‘Bird Eating Pomegranate, no. 1’, Sumi(e) on rice paper

pomegranate painting‘Bird Eating Pomegranate no. 2’, 11″ x 14″, acrylic on canvas

Honestly, because it is so hot here, I have all the blinds closed and the colors on the photos on these paintings is off because I am lazy and using my iPhone, but you get the idea.

10 thoughts on “Oh happy day!

  1. I am so happy for you, if it makes you feel good, then you must be doing the right thing. I’m so happy now you can dedicate some o your energy to things you actually enjoy 😃
    *kisses from NYC*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oooh, I ❤ kisses from NYC! It looks like you are having a SWEET time. My favorite. 🙂 . I'm happy for me too. I know you are not enamored with cats, so you will appreciate this story… while I was preparing my water and paints to complete my succulents painting, I had it lying on my bed. I turned around to find my persian curled up and sleeping on it. By the time I got her off it, there was a big sag in the middle of the canvas, ha. Thank goodness I was using acrylics and they dry fast, and I don't take this painting stuff seriously!!!!

      Liked by 2 people

      • Just have fun, whatever u do. It doesn’t need to be a serious passion. If it makes u smile, that’s all that matters.
        Having tea and madelienes on Madison Ave *more NYC kisses*

        Liked by 1 person

        • Lucky you, Miss C. I am sipping a cup of mandarin orange tea in your honor. But, I am hot, dirty and sweaty after having been out in our “yard” for the past two hours watering and desperately need a shower, so no lovely photos 🙂 . We are heading towards 100 degrees again over the weekend. Wow am I tired of the heat. It looks really nice in Manhattan. The last time I was there over a major holiday (Labor Day 2013) it seems a lot of the locals left town for the weekend and it was nice and quiet. Your hotel looks adorable and very nicely located. What fun! ❤

          Liked by 1 person

          • Yes parts of it are very quiet. It’s lovely. Wish you were here. I’d even share my madelienes with you (you are one of the rare few lol).
            Hotel is teeeeeeny weeny but cute and inexpensive. Good if you are on your own and on a budget. Close to lots of yummy food too 😉

            Liked by 1 person

    • Hey Paula. I think that is what has me butting heads with the therapist so often. She seems to want to drag me down versus build me up (and she is constantly bringing up irrelevant things that she thinks might be hindering Blue Eyes and his progress, which is frankly, totally out of whack and really old school). I am not the broken down bumbling fool she thinks I am. I should write about our last therapy session, but frankly, I’m over it. I need a break, so I’m taking one. It feels good. You know how this therapy things goes… they are NOT miracle workers. We own our destiny, whatever it might be. Love ya, <3.

      Liked by 1 person

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