At the end of the day…

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I never thought I would be sharing these words. As a matter of fact, 19 months ago I would not have said I had ever been stabbed in the back. But, in fact, I have. I have been lied to and betrayed and left to heal alone by the person I relied on most for safety and security. Even though that person regrets what he has done, and swears he will never do it again, the point is, he did do it. What was once whole is now broken. What was once stable is now on shaky ground. He knew he was hurting me and that thought was not enough to make him stop. It will not in the future be enough to stop him if he doesn’t heal himself, learn to love himself, and realize there are no excuses for not being the person he wants to be. But that is all about him.

His betrayal opened my eyes to the reality that he could and would and did hurt me. I gave him the power to do that and now I need to take it back. He not only hurt me, he devastated me. He stabbed me in the most vulnerable spots and then he stabbed me some more. I had no idea how vulnerable I really was because it had never crossed my mind. I never sat there and thought, if my husband betrays me, lies about me, lies to me, can I handle it?  What will I do? Who wants to think about those things? No one. I was blindsided. I am not so naive anymore.

At the end of the day, it is true that I am the only person I can truly count on. It still hurts to say it… I can’t count on my husband to be kind to me and not hurt me again. I have no idea what he will do. He is not me. He does things I would never ever do. He is going to do things that hurt. I need to be able to handle it. I need to be strong, for me.

33 thoughts on “At the end of the day…

  1. Good post. It seems to be the hardest for me accept. The idea that someone I’d loved so much could choose to do this to me. I don’t trust anyone and he knew that and I feel like my husband exploited that. He wants us to recover but I struggle with the ‘how?’ How does he expect me to come back from that? From the knowledge that he chose to take the steps to cheat, knowing the consequences and he just didn’t care?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know. We have to literally abandon a big part of who we are because of their choices. It just does not seem right and it messes with us. It messes with me every day… the unanswerable question, how could you do this to ME! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey CK, sounds like you’re going through a shitty time, trying to make sense of everything when you already have most of the answers to your questions. You have been through an incredible amount of stress, more than most people will know in their entire lives. You have come through the worst of it battered but alive. I take my hat off to you every single day because most women would have fallen apart at the level of betrayal you have endured. I’m sorry you are suffering so much, I wish I could offer you more. I’m going through a tough time myself at the moment. We’ll both get through it, being the troopers we are, but the realisation our lives will never be the carefree ones they once were is hard to take sometimes. Sending you love. SWxo

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    • Thank you, SW for the vote of confidence. I am sorry to hear you are likewise going through a tough time. It doesn’t end, for me the episodes get fewer and farther apart and they are different. Whereas before I would have deep aching pains within and long periods of crying and lots of questions with questionable answers, now I just have doubt that creeps in in terms of what I really want and if I will be able to achieve it. Sundays are especially difficult for me for some reason. It is so shocking to realize how easy it was to be happy and carefree before and how difficult it is now. Something feels off, but I cannot figure out what. Things I used to love to do, just don’t do it for me anymore. I hate to blame it all on hormones, but there is something going on.Thanks for the love. Lots of love and hugs back. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • And agreed, the episodes do get further apart, but when they hit, they hit. The downward spiral still exists. But like you said, it’s no longer tears and despair, but the seeping sadness that things will never be THAT way again. It’s too much sometimes. SWxo

        Liked by 1 person

        • I agree, It’s an awful feeling knowing we will never have that carefree, life is so good, feeling we had before.

          The best thing about the Whole30 in my opinion is waking me up to what is really on those labels and trying to do without anything that has any of the bad stuff in it. The sugars and preservatives in everything is insane. Food colorings in foods that should already be that color??? That carries forward even without the eating plan. Also, making really good protein choices without all the nitrites and antibiotics. Hopefully you have naturally cleaner living where you are. In America, things are terrible. The cheapest foods being eaten by the largest part of the population are the most processed and the least healthy. It’s all a money making business. A sad state of affairs.

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    • Oh, and how did the Whole30 go??? I felt so much better on it, I am going to go for another dedicated 30 days beginning August 3. No travel for us for a full month. With proper planning and mindset, I am ready. I feel like if I committed to logging everything on my blog for a month, I would have some accountability and also a planning schedule for meals/recipes. I did great for 27 days last time. Thirty seems like a reasonable goal for this time. 🙂 .

      Liked by 1 person

      • I went 16 days. Felt good to get the sugar out of my system! Since then, have been on an even more restrictive cleanse and dropped about 4kg. My husband, who was also on the same cleanse, commented the other day that he was now under the 90kg mark. “I don’t even remember when I was last under 90kg,” he exclaimed. “Yeah? When do you think you were last under 90,” I asked. He paused. “I don’t know,” he said, “maybe 18 months ago,” he mumbled. I stopped in my tracks. Then it hit me. “I CAN TELL YOU WHEN YOU WERE LAST UNDER 90KG, 20 MONTHS AGO WHEN YOU WERE SEEING THAT HOME-WRECKING WHORE.” Fuck me, how stupid is my husband?? SWxo

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        • I know… how easy is it for them to just forget about all they have done and everything that was wrapped up in it. Sometimes my husband’s cologne is a big fucking trigger. He doesn’t wear it regularly. I smell it and at first I think, “oh wow that smells good,” then my mind immediately flashes back to the times when he wore it in the past and I think, “he must have been wearing it for a reason… ” I will say, however, that the last time he really worked hard on himself in terms of looks was for his 30 year high school reunion. It was before d-day, but there was no acting out associated with it. Just him trying to make himself feel better about himself in front of old friends. What about me? I am the only “friend” who has been there for him for EVERYTHING, and yet…

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    • I don’t think we can ever truly be in another’s shoes, we can try, but we will never really truly know. I have learned that through my husband… and very recently at that. I have humility and I do not judge too hard. I do know myself, however. I am the only person who does, after all. The pain and trauma from the years of lies and betrayal are what I am dealing with, not judging other people for cheating at this point. I do understand and empathize with other people’s situations, but I actually won’t ever cheat on my husband. I do know myself that well. I am not saying I am better than anyone else, I just know what I will and won’t do. A few followers have commented in the past about me not being too confident in myself regarding cheating. I have actually written a post about it. I have been duly warned. I don’t understand why people feel so compelled to try and convince me that I would cheat on my husband. At this point I am working on the pain he has caused me and why it is so difficult for me to get past and whether I want to be married to him. The addiction does play a part. Any time people have a difficult time understanding their own motivations and do things that hurt other people, it is a red flag. I am assuming you are keying off the comments, because my post was really about believing in myself. I don’t need the affection of a man in order to do that.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I wasn’t trying to say you’re not humble or that you judge.
        I was sure I was humble and I would never cheat on my husband.
        I would have put money on it.
        I had to work trough the pain and the hurt of the betrayal…omg…was the hardest thing.
        I did judge the other woman…so hard…judged my husband and was incredibly hard on him even thou he is working so hard ,to this day,to gain my trust.
        I said…I’m made of different kind of fabric cause I would never cheat on him…anyone that knows me would say…huh? No…she would never cheat…
        Guess what…shit happen and almost 2 years after our healing process started…I fell in love with another man…it wasn’t just sex…it was a 6 months long love affair.

        His wife found out ….he is divorcing…it confessed to my husband.
        He..my husband asked if I was testing him…
        So yeah…I’m not trying to convince you that you will cheat…
        I’m just sharing my experience.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I get it. I really do. We are all different. We all do what we need to do to survive. Of course in my pain I have judged the other women and I have also felt sick in my gut knowing they cared for my husband and they were also lied to and betrayed. There have been so many stages of this process so far, and I have blogged about a lot of them. But I need to focus on myself. Did I think I would ever slice my arm wide open and require 16 stitches, because my heart was in so much pain I thought I would have a heart attack and my body’s defense mechanism was to cut myself. OMG, NO!!! If someone asked me if I would do that I would have said, NO WAY! But that was a spur of the moment, heat of the situation reflex, and that is also why it scares the hell out of my husband and the therapists. Cutting myself that bad was, in fact, a matter of circumstances. Something I call an accident because the severity was never intended, but others scoff when I say it was an accident. I don’t really care if they don’t understand me or what I did. It only matters that I do. Becoming involved with another human being is a long process and I do intellectually understand how it happens. It is not in my template. I know that, but that doesn’t make me better, just different. It is also one of the most difficult things for me to understand about my husband and some days I feel I will go insane thinking about all the times he rationalized and compartmentalized his acting out behaviors. There was so much prep that went into it. So much lying. It boggles my mind thinking about how many lies he told me. I would never ever be able to lie like that. I would crumble after the very first lie. That is me. No doubt that training comes from my childhood, but after 52 years. I’m pretty sure I understand how it would go. I actually don’t need it. Not once have I ever looked to the arms of another man for any comfort, ironically, my husband is here for me. His affairs were not about love or emotional attachment and I know that. They were about feeding an addiction. Certainly if I really truly at this moment felt like he couldn’t meet my needs, I would walk away. I have no idea whether I would even date or want another long term relationship. I have not thought much about it because so far, I am no where near that point. Again, who really knows what the future will hold.

          Liked by 1 person

          • You’re right….
            I have to tell you…
            It was so easy to lie to my husband and to see my lover.
            It was hard for me emotionally and mentally…but it was easy for him to believe me.
            He actually had to ask…”when did you have time to have an affair”…. I felt ashamed and guilty and I thought…I am a master manipulator. …it scares me…that’s NOT the woman I am.
            I am blessed to have my husband here for me and my affair partner insists he lives me…I believe him… but I must make a decission…
            I am so dissapointed in myself for allowing me to take this road. ..but then I look at the lessons I learned….
            I don’t know what’s in the future…but I don’t want to feel pain no more.

            Liked by 1 person

            • We all have choices and being mired in past actions doesn’t help the healing for anyone. That is why when the therapists bring up the cutting incident I have to leave it behind and put it into perspective for me. I won’t let it define me. My husband has a very difficult time leaving behind his past… his secret behavior shaped him from a young boy. I want him here in the present with me now, but sometimes he just can’t do it. I hope you are able to make decisions you are proud of because again, we really answer to ourselves first and from there is a ripple effect to those around us. We all have regrets, but they are not all the same. I wish you peace and enlightenment on this scary and painful journey. ❤

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  3. I have certainly had many opportunities in my life to cheat on my spouse and although the thought of it does bring about feelings of excitement I always realize that that there is a big difference between with someone I truly love and being with someone for sexual release. I always make the decision based upon the fact that this is not something I want to live with the rest of my life even if my spouse never finds out. It is not only a moral issue but an issue of the heart.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ditto, simple. My experience and thoughts precisely. It is about your own “moral centre.” Never about being found out. I always knew it was something that would kill me inside if I did something – even secretly and never discovered – so selfish and self harming.

      Liked by 3 people

    • Yeah, I have never actually consciously made the decision not to cheat, because it has never crossed my mind to do such a thing. I’m sure there were many “opportunities,” but I just never thought of them as such because I have always been a strong, faithful, honest kind of gal.

      Obviously my husband is a completely different person from me, and a completely different person than I thought he was. I guess it is the charade that is the most astonishing part of this. How someone could keep such a large part of who he is hidden from most everyone around him. It is mind boggling. I never could nor would nor would want or need to do that, so it is very difficult for me to understand. Even though I know it is not about me, I guess because I put so much value on honesty and integrity, I feel I have been in some horrible accident and parts of me are missing and I cannot seem to heal from it. I cannot imagine being so damaged that I would do something so deliberate that it would hurt the most important person in my life. It is indeed an issue of the heart.

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      • Once the bond of trust is broken it can never be permanently repaired. There will always be a part of you that questions his intentions and love for you. When it happened to I made the decision to end it. It was hard an hurt really bad but I know I made the right decision. I deserved so much more and eventually found happiness once again.

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        • I agree. Once that trust is broken, there will always be lingering thoughts of what they are capable of. Because we never thought they could or would do it in the first place, how could we ever know they won’t do it again. At this point that is not really my dilemma, I guess. If I thought he had had feelings for the others, that would be a deal breaker. No point waiting around for second best. At this point, I still feel second best to an addiction. Patience is a virtue if we are patiently waiting for something worth waiting for… My concern lies in all the other stuff that goes along with the relationship. Is he doing enough for me to be happy with him now that I know who he really is. Does he have it in him to be more than what he was, the guy that was lying to everyone. I guess we shall see.

          Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah, I don’t feel so amazing today. I have come to realize Sundays are incredibly difficult for me. I guess the thing that scares me most is how amazing I already thought I was. I could handle pretty much anything and got over difficult moments quickly and gracefully. I handled so much, with so much skill. This situation is like nothing else and I am still sort of sitting here wondering which way it will all go. Almost like I don’t have control over it, it is that devastating. ❤

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      • You don’t know how amazing you are until you are tested. Now is your biggest trial my friend. I have no doubt you are going to ace it! And yes, you will have some mega awful days (I had a moment yesterday 😖), but in the end, you are going to prove yourself capable of more than you ever thought possible. ❤️

        Liked by 2 people

        • Ah, C. Please keep reminding me. I need it. Sorry about your moment yesterday. I know we are dealing with two different scenarios, but I am sure the deep pain is the same. I guess I just want more now. I don’t want things to try and go back to the way they were, or normal. I want better. I want him to be able to understand how his actions (or lack thereof) affect me. I am having so many weird illnesses and symptoms and every time I go to look them up on the internet (I know, scary) the first cause is always STRESS. Well, yeah, stress… there is that. 😦

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