I never thought I would be sharing these words. As a matter of fact, 19 months ago I would not have said I had ever been stabbed in the back. But, in fact, I have. I have been lied to and betrayed and left to heal alone by the person I relied on most for safety and security. Even though that person regrets what he has done, and swears he will never do it again, the point is, he did do it. What was once whole is now broken. What was once stable is now on shaky ground. He knew he was hurting me and that thought was not enough to make him stop. It will not in the future be enough to stop him if he doesn’t heal himself, learn to love himself, and realize there are no excuses for not being the person he wants to be. But that is all about him.
His betrayal opened my eyes to the reality that he could and would and did hurt me. I gave him the power to do that and now I need to take it back. He not only hurt me, he devastated me. He stabbed me in the most vulnerable spots and then he stabbed me some more. I had no idea how vulnerable I really was because it had never crossed my mind. I never sat there and thought, if my husband betrays me, lies about me, lies to me, can I handle it? What will I do? Who wants to think about those things? No one. I was blindsided. I am not so naive anymore.
At the end of the day, it is true that I am the only person I can truly count on. It still hurts to say it… I can’t count on my husband to be kind to me and not hurt me again. I have no idea what he will do. He is not me. He does things I would never ever do. He is going to do things that hurt. I need to be able to handle it. I need to be strong, for me.