As in, I was asked a question the other day by a friend. Why do I focus so much energy on the last acting out partner? Why is she the one who garnered so much interest, why was she the one I spewed vitriol over, why was she the most dangerous? Versus the others.
Although I do still think about her in the context of what my husband is, and what my husband has done, I don’t think of her anymore in terms of her having any value or redeeming qualities as a human being. I don’t feel sorry for her in any way. I do not consider her a victim. To me, she was a willing vagina, a vessel. She meant nothing good or salient to my husband, and she means nothing to me. As my husband completes his steps eight and nine, making amends, none of the women he fucked are considered victims. None of the women will be made amends to. They all entered into a sexual relationship with my husband of their own volition. They seduced him just as much if not more than he seduced them. Sex addicts, traditionally, are shy and scared to make the first move. They are insatiable flirts, but they are slow and methodical about the hunt, the pursuit. They crave the ego stroking and some never instigate sex. Often it takes the move by the willing partner to orchestrate the sex act itself. These women are not victims, they are indeed pursuers. Many sex addicts actually pay for sex, because it is a sure thing and they will, theoretically, not be judged.
So, why didn’t I focus more blame and hate on the first sex partner? After all, she was the one who opened the flood gates. She is the one who validated Blue Eyes’ sick sex-addicted sexual fantasy world, that someone other than me would gladly have sex with him. She pursued him as much as he pursued her. She agreed to have sex at his hotel even though she was also married with two young children. She played the game for many years too, even though their sexual activity happened at the end of the relationship and it was two quick times over a short period. The sex happened at the end because that was the pattern Blue Eyes’ conjured at the time. Their relationship was about feeding his ego and him secretly fantasizing about how a woman other than his wife wanted him. She wanted to talk to him and boost his ego. She was unhappy, and he was an addict and the two of them fed their own sickness without a thought to their spouses or their children or the impact their depraved acts would have on everyone around them. She was the one who begged to see my husband again and asked for a more serious relationship… the first one to ask my husband to abandon the promises he had made to me in order to satisfy her selfish needs. And, she was the first one to be summarily dumped because of her requests for something more. To my husband, the relationship was about ego boosting and clandestine sex, not about having a mistress or creating a new life. He liked the life he had with me and the boys. He didn’t really care what her motives were. He got his stroking. He eventually got the sex, and then the intrigue died. He walked away, but in the back of his mind, he knew extramarital sex was doable. Women would have him, and he could do it without getting caught. It was the ultimate drug. He never worried about her contacting me. He walked away unscathed. She helped nurture that sick part of him. Why don’t I blame her the most? Although she clearly has a misguided moral base and is self centered and willing to use people to meet her own needs, she was the most sad. If I were to actually think of her, an attractive and voluptuous hispanic woman, I would merely wonder if she ever found happiness. My guess is she did not. I really don’t think about her at all.
What about the second one? The slutty secretary who got a thrill from seducing a married man and performing depraved sex acts with him in the place where they worked together, ew Ew EW! Yes yes yes, I know, my husband did these things too, but we are not talking about him right now. He is forging a path to enlightenment and redemption. None of the women ever apologized for their deplorable, selfish, and cruel behavior. Blue Eyes has, many many many times over. The slutty secretary is a woman who lied about her age and clearly was desperate for the attention of a man, most likely any man. Frankly, for Blue Eyes, she made herself too easy. His desire for the pursuit for the most part went unfulfilled. He tired of her rather quickly and the entire relationship spanned a couple months.
Then there was that last one, the worst one, the one that elicits all my contempt, most of my disgust, and frankly, all of my confusion. The blogger friend who asked me the question, “why her,” mostly answered her own question in the very same conversation… “I see that she was the ‘most damaging’ in that it was long, she is disgusting, she disclosed, and she was a scary, stalking beyatch. But I see Blue Eyes as never once planning to leave. Never once comparing you to her. And that might not feel so great after all of the shitty stuff, but I think it explains why you have stayed. Why you still love him and believe in him.”
True, there was nothing romantic between them, any of them actually. He was not trying to replace me. He was sick. Their relationship was built purely on lies and secrets and disgusting back alley type sex. The kind where you immediately go, what the fuck was I thinking? There is one reason, for me, that makes this particular woman the worst, most destructive, most horrifying person in this entire sordid situation, and that is because I believe she knew and she represents the deterioration of my husband’s sanity and she took him all the way to rock bottom. She knew she was fucking an addict and she knew he was never going to give her anything more than a quick fuck, and she stalked and blackmailed, and reigned her sick, demented kind of torture on me, an innocent victim, and she did it all the while knowing she was feeding a sickness. I consider her the needle sticking out of the heroine addict’s arm as he lies unconscious in a rundown motel. I am not convinced she really wanted any more than a quick fuck. She was the ultimate selfish mean girl bitch. This last willing vagina represents the most despicable elements of what sex addiction is really all about. She did what she did happily and willingly, over and over. She ignited the destruction, and the pain, and the dysfunction over and over again. In the end, out of selfishness and hate, she called me to punish me. She wanted to punish me for my perceived win. She was out for good, I was in. The deal is, however, I was always in, and she was always out. I know she wanted Blue Eyes to come back to her. Not to come to her for a real relationship, something they never had, but to come back to her so she could continue her sick selfish game of manipulation and control. Of course I don’t feel sorry for Blue Eyes. He created this scenario himself. He fed the evil monster over and over again. But I do blame her for the manner in which I had to suffer. Her phone call still rings in my head, her voice and her words resonate in my nightmares. She did not say, for example, I want you to know what your husband has done. She did not say she felt bad about what she had done and she wanted me to know the truth. Instead, she tried to drive me insane. She insinuated I knew about her and I condoned the relationship. She implied their relationship was ongoing. She exaggerated the length of the relationship and she said my child’s name. She made it personal. She knew what she was doing. I consider the others selfish, abusive, cruel, and disgusting. I consider the stalker whore to be evil and she did not walk away. She stayed and tortured. I will never forgive her behavior.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
I focus on the main event whore (the most recent and most serious one) more than the others as well. Perhaps, because it was her welfare housing I caught him in. Perhaps because, after a few practice whores, he basically tried to create a fictional “relationship” with her. Perhaps because she was the most recent, the most stupid, the most dangerous….who knows. But I would really love it if she would leave my mind forever because it’s awful to be haunted by someone who otherwise would have had no reason to exist in my life. xoxo
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I am right there with you, sister. I have said so many times “she shouldn’t even exist in my life.” If someone, at any point in time, told me I would have a stalker, I would have laughed at them. I have not lived my life in any way that would warrant someone being mean or vindictive to me. It is one of the most difficult aspects of all of this for me to get past… the fact that my husband would bring such danger into mine and his children’s lives. It is very sad. ❤
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stay, leave, blame, recover…its still all about him
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I’m not sure I understand your comment. Could you elaborate? If you are saying that I am blaming the other women for my husband’s behavior, I am not. I am blaming them for their behavior. They are far from innocent. The first two walked away, as they should have. What they did was sickening. I hope the experience was so bad that they never did it again. The last one, however, did not walk away. She tormented and stalked and attempted to exact vengeance on me and my family. She is a bitterly mean woman. I blame her for what she did. My relationship with my husband will always be about him and what he did, yes, of course. However, the other woman is a violent and vindictive woman who caused me severe trauma. She deserves to be called out and my writing about it here helps me cleanse those feelings, and that has nothing to do with my husband. He did not coerce her into doing what she did and he certainly didn’t cause her to stalk and threaten my safety.
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What about you?
Not him…forget about him. Or his various extra marital partners( yuk).
And I have no doubt that everything you say and feel about these women( this person) is true.
The other woman will always be just that, the other. You are probably brighter, more beautiful, kinder.
You can never change another person. This is his mess. He stays, he goes, he’s still somehow the centre of this conversation.
I’m just trying to suggest the only person you can ever control is you. Let her go( she’s meaningless), let him go. Hold yourself close.
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Thank you for taking the time to respond back. Aw, if only it were all that easy. This blog is one place I can safely write out my fears, my anxieties, my bitter feelings about people I do not really even know, but that altered my life forever.
I do wish things were different, and yes, you are right, I could make them different. I could walk away today, but I will always look back. I have more than 30 years with a man I adore. In sickness and in health. I am not a mean or hateful person. It burdens me to even feel compelled to write the words above, but it does help me too. It helps me to talk it out in a place where a lot of people understand. This is one of those experiences that you cannot really comprehend unless you have lived it. My husband and his other women stole something from me. It takes a while to heal from that… I mean REALLY heal. We all have baggage and mine was, I am a caregiver. I treat people with respect and kindness. I do not knowingly surround myself with people that hurt me, so it is taking me some time to really accept the fact that people knowingly did heartless and cruel things to me. It does matter to me.
Everyone has their reasons and I am a compassionate human being. I have written a lot about how I am the only person I can really truly know and the only person I can control. I am still learning. After many many months of disclosures and trauma and therapy and recovery, I have chosen to stay with my husband, but that does not mean that I am healed. For those of us who have been betrayed by remorseful husbands who spend every day trying to fix themselves and make it up to us, it is still a battle to forgive what was done. As far as the other woman, in my case, there is no remorse, no caring, no healing on her part and I have not been able to understand that, much less forgive it. That is indeed my burden to carry and I do the best I can. I have a sister with borderline personality disorder. I used to try and make her happy, with gifts and shopping sprees and trips and my time and companionship. I didn’t understand why none of it helped. Now I know. You are correct, we can only heal ourselves, however, the reason my sister has her illness in the first place has it’s own set of rules, causes, triggers. Now I know those feelings intimately.
I don’t know if that woman still thinks about my husband, but I doubt she thinks about me… or at least I hope so, because when she was thinking about me, all she wanted to do was harm me. Would it be easier if I didn’t have mentally unstable people in my life. Yes, but would it be better? I don’t think so. Trauma is an unkind companion. I do my best to move away from it and heal. It takes time. I give myself permission to write out my pain here. If it was all as easy as just walking away from my husband of 30+ years, the father of my children, my partner in business and life, I would. It’s not that easy, and it’s not what I want. This is my place to write about it, the good the bad and the ugly. We all have a journey. Thanks for understanding.
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A very beautiful and true response
Sending you all love and light for the rest of your journey
Thea
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Pingback: The “Victims” in My Betrayal | He Played Me
You totally got me wiled up! Your post made me think of a comment from our CSAT last week I forgot to right about but planned on addressing in our next session together. Thanks, as always, for accessing your truth and for sharing.
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I love it when someone else’s blog inspires me to write, and vice versa. You are welcome!
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Nice analogy.. The first few whores were his “gate-way” to the heroine that he easily supply his addiction. Apparently he settled for cheap stuff 😉
He knew he had a class act at home. And KC, you are! I sit hear behind my iPad and cheer for you. You have made such amazing progress and your healing is palpable in your blog and its progression. Sure the pain is there too.. But the healing shows.
❤️
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Yeah, it’s like he started with something half way decent (albeit totally wrong and disgusting) and then deteriorated to the lowest form of his drug. Like an alcoholic who starts out drinking Martinis in a club (although it was more like margaritas) and then eventually goes so low he is drinking cheap wine out of a paper bag in an alley. It is rough coming to terms with the fact that my marriage was poisoned, but I am coming out the other side, mostly in tact. Thanks for the kind words, rac. xx
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My husband had MANY partners. The last few me that I focus on is the only one I can put and a name and a face to. That makes her more real. They now live together, and she is becoming part of his family. It’s very hurtful. She is pretty (though not necessarily prettier), and about 15 years younger, and dumb as a piece of toast. I tend to focus a lot of my bad energy on her.
I think the question we need to ask is not “why her” but “why not her”? Our husbands weren’t terribly descriminating. This last one you dealt with was actually trying to threaten your marriage, so of course that puts you in a position of feeling like u need to defend yourself, and that is horrible. I hope it is something that we can one day get over this. Honestly there is not one day of my life that isn’t tainted by my ex’s choices. I hate that.
All we can do is try to let go. This hurts us so much more than it hurts anyone else.
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The sick choices of a broken man will never make sense to us. It is not fun to come to terms with and it is so difficult not to beat ourselves up over it. Yes, letting go of the sick and embracing the healthy is the only way to move forward. It hurts so much because we didn’t have a choice, and they disregarded us and our feelings. They are not who we thought they were, but we are the same, it creates a big imbalance. All we can do is take care of ourselves. Much love to you, C.
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Oh….I can just imagine that there is a likeness in that cute Japanese statue and a certain person. Well done!
I am just someone looking on from outside and as you know I have a very simple ( simplistic) view but there is also the fact that the first two women never went as far as to intentionally harm you in any way. The vile creature who when she knows does not get what she wants then goes all out to hurt everyone involved, well, that is just plain horrid, mean, nasty and full of revenge. At the same time she is not able to see what havoc she will wreak and she does not care. What the hell does this say about a person?
I am so sorry Kat that you have this disgusting abomination in your life. I bet BE at times wondered as well. It must have been awful for him to realise what she could possibly be capable of.
And the journey to healing continues and you are doing an amazing good job. Never forget that. You are an inspiration to so many people here in blogland.
Xxxxx
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I do think there is quite a likeness. I agree, CF. Although BE knows he hurt the first one, she moved on. She never rung me, she didn’t continue to stalk and pursue. The second one lived right here in town. If she thought there was a snowball’s chance in hell that BE actually cared about her and she had a chance to destroy our marriage, she could have. I think, like the rest, they knew they were a free sex toy. They wasted their breath and their energy on someone who didn’t care about them. The last one knew this as well, however, as you say, she is horrid, mean, nasty, and full of revenge. I think he was scared when he woke up and realized the monster he was having sex with. It kinda makes me laugh now when people insinuate they had a “real” relationship. What a joke.
If I can’t live in fantasyland, I can live in blogland. 🙂
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