As in, I was asked a question the other day by a friend. Why do I focus so much energy on the last acting out partner? Why is she the one who garnered so much interest, why was she the one I spewed vitriol over, why was she the most dangerous? Versus the others.
Although I do still think about her in the context of what my husband is, and what my husband has done, I don’t think of her anymore in terms of her having any value or redeeming qualities as a human being. I don’t feel sorry for her in any way. I do not consider her a victim. To me, she was a willing vagina, a vessel. She meant nothing good or salient to my husband, and she means nothing to me. As my husband completes his steps eight and nine, making amends, none of the women he fucked are considered victims. None of the women will be made amends to. They all entered into a sexual relationship with my husband of their own volition. They seduced him just as much if not more than he seduced them. Sex addicts, traditionally, are shy and scared to make the first move. They are insatiable flirts, but they are slow and methodical about the hunt, the pursuit. They crave the ego stroking and some never instigate sex. Often it takes the move by the willing partner to orchestrate the sex act itself. These women are not victims, they are indeed pursuers. Many sex addicts actually pay for sex, because it is a sure thing and they will, theoretically, not be judged.
So, why didn’t I focus more blame and hate on the first sex partner? After all, she was the one who opened the flood gates. She is the one who validated Blue Eyes’ sick sex-addicted sexual fantasy world, that someone other than me would gladly have sex with him. She pursued him as much as he pursued her. She agreed to have sex at his hotel even though she was also married with two young children. She played the game for many years too, even though their sexual activity happened at the end of the relationship and it was two quick times over a short period. The sex happened at the end because that was the pattern Blue Eyes’ conjured at the time. Their relationship was about feeding his ego and him secretly fantasizing about how a woman other than his wife wanted him. She wanted to talk to him and boost his ego. She was unhappy, and he was an addict and the two of them fed their own sickness without a thought to their spouses or their children or the impact their depraved acts would have on everyone around them. She was the one who begged to see my husband again and asked for a more serious relationship… the first one to ask my husband to abandon the promises he had made to me in order to satisfy her selfish needs. And, she was the first one to be summarily dumped because of her requests for something more. To my husband, the relationship was about ego boosting and clandestine sex, not about having a mistress or creating a new life. He liked the life he had with me and the boys. He didn’t really care what her motives were. He got his stroking. He eventually got the sex, and then the intrigue died. He walked away, but in the back of his mind, he knew extramarital sex was doable. Women would have him, and he could do it without getting caught. It was the ultimate drug. He never worried about her contacting me. He walked away unscathed. She helped nurture that sick part of him. Why don’t I blame her the most? Although she clearly has a misguided moral base and is self centered and willing to use people to meet her own needs, she was the most sad. If I were to actually think of her, an attractive and voluptuous hispanic woman, I would merely wonder if she ever found happiness. My guess is she did not. I really don’t think about her at all.
What about the second one? The slutty secretary who got a thrill from seducing a married man and performing depraved sex acts with him in the place where they worked together, ew Ew EW! Yes yes yes, I know, my husband did these things too, but we are not talking about him right now. He is forging a path to enlightenment and redemption. None of the women ever apologized for their deplorable, selfish, and cruel behavior. Blue Eyes has, many many many times over. The slutty secretary is a woman who lied about her age and clearly was desperate for the attention of a man, most likely any man. Frankly, for Blue Eyes, she made herself too easy. His desire for the pursuit for the most part went unfulfilled. He tired of her rather quickly and the entire relationship spanned a couple months.
Then there was that last one, the worst one, the one that elicits all my contempt, most of my disgust, and frankly, all of my confusion. The blogger friend who asked me the question, “why her,” mostly answered her own question in the very same conversation… “I see that she was the ‘most damaging’ in that it was long, she is disgusting, she disclosed, and she was a scary, stalking beyatch. But I see Blue Eyes as never once planning to leave. Never once comparing you to her. And that might not feel so great after all of the shitty stuff, but I think it explains why you have stayed. Why you still love him and believe in him.”
True, there was nothing romantic between them, any of them actually. He was not trying to replace me. He was sick. Their relationship was built purely on lies and secrets and disgusting back alley type sex. The kind where you immediately go, what the fuck was I thinking? There is one reason, for me, that makes this particular woman the worst, most destructive, most horrifying person in this entire sordid situation, and that is because I believe she knew and she represents the deterioration of my husband’s sanity and she took him all the way to rock bottom. She knew she was fucking an addict and she knew he was never going to give her anything more than a quick fuck, and she stalked and blackmailed, and reigned her sick, demented kind of torture on me, an innocent victim, and she did it all the while knowing she was feeding a sickness. I consider her the needle sticking out of the heroine addict’s arm as he lies unconscious in a rundown motel. I am not convinced she really wanted any more than a quick fuck. She was the ultimate selfish mean girl bitch. This last willing vagina represents the most despicable elements of what sex addiction is really all about. She did what she did happily and willingly, over and over. She ignited the destruction, and the pain, and the dysfunction over and over again. In the end, out of selfishness and hate, she called me to punish me. She wanted to punish me for my perceived win. She was out for good, I was in. The deal is, however, I was always in, and she was always out. I know she wanted Blue Eyes to come back to her. Not to come to her for a real relationship, something they never had, but to come back to her so she could continue her sick selfish game of manipulation and control. Of course I don’t feel sorry for Blue Eyes. He created this scenario himself. He fed the evil monster over and over again. But I do blame her for the manner in which I had to suffer. Her phone call still rings in my head, her voice and her words resonate in my nightmares. She did not say, for example, I want you to know what your husband has done. She did not say she felt bad about what she had done and she wanted me to know the truth. Instead, she tried to drive me insane. She insinuated I knew about her and I condoned the relationship. She implied their relationship was ongoing. She exaggerated the length of the relationship and she said my child’s name. She made it personal. She knew what she was doing. I consider the others selfish, abusive, cruel, and disgusting. I consider the stalker whore to be evil and she did not walk away. She stayed and tortured. I will never forgive her behavior.