I let the hot water wash over me in the shower this morning, and as I watched the steam float slowly to the ceiling, I wrote these words in my head. The feelings were strong in me. The desire to flee, the desire to be free, the desire to be alone. As if they were seared in the forefront of my mind, they come back to me now, hours later. Some days I want to go back in time. Some days I want my youth back. I want all the decisions back that were made by others but that impacted me and my life. I want all decisions that affect me, to be made solely by me.
Some days are just like this… some days I want what I cannot have.
I want to walk away from this place some days
I want to catch a bus or a train or a plane
and just go, some days
I want to be free and soar and float above the clouds, some days
I want to feel the air as it suffuses my lungs
I want to liberate the desire to be something to anyone
I want to relinquish the obligation of my existence
I want to close my eyes and see nothingness there
I want to walk among strangers and not care
I want to release my head from the pain of remembering
I want to cut free my heart from the devastation of feeling
I want what I cannot have
I want the ability to change the past
I want to be free and soar and float above the clouds, some days
and just go, some days
I want to catch a bus or a train or a plane
I want to walk away from this place some days
❤
try not to cry on my rainbow 
My boss made me see that if there was any moving out to be done, it was by him. She said, “you’ve done nothing wrong. Your home has been made by you, your love, your children and your pets. Make him leave.” I did that. Three times. I am now in a better place to leave when the time comes. And it was hard in a farming situation, where you live where you work. But I think she was right. He had to leave. To help him absorb his selfishness.
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I go back and forth on whether I would go, or have him go. The house brings with it A LOT of responsibility and chores and work, all things I have been doing for 20 years. I don’t want the responsibility anymore, so leaving solves that. Also, my leaving seems like a fresher start for me. However, I would miss my pets, my house (just not the work), etc… It’s a bit of a toss up I guess. My daydream above, however, included a lot more than just moving out. I have those days sometimes. I think it is part and parcel to my dissociation, so I try to turn it into a meditation of sorts. I can’t walk away from my life, even if I wanted to. xoxo
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Agreed. I think I just needed time to absorb how and where, etc. Why would I want to stay in the house/s they fucked in? The bed he messaged her from every morning as I drove out to work, etc? Time and work on myself have helped me move along to something different. The dissociative mindfulness, whilst necessary, is its own mindfuck sometimes!
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Kat, I was feeling this at one point and so I moved out. I thought I would go and live in a cute little place, central to work and not have a thing to worry about. For the first few days it was strange. I concentrated on work and good food but my mind kept playing me sadness. I was constantly besieged by text messages from H. He would drop by after work just to see if I needed anything and on weekends he would text constantly to meet me for a coffee if I was not working. It sort of drove me crazy because I was lonely and I did miss him and I really missed my cats and the girls and my garden. So I went home.
But I know how you feel and I know now it was not an answer for me even though I thought it might be.
It was an experience and for me I need experiences to learn. The experience is that it will be there with us forever but we need to learn to live with it. Somehow.
So many hugs to you Kat. Xxxxx
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Yeah, CF. I understand exactly what you are saying and I know I would feel the same way sometimes if I moved out. I talk to my pets all day, I would take them with me, at least some of them… maybe not Stinky, the biggest complainer of them all. 🙂 I think where my mind was and the place I was at that kind of stuck with me for the day and is with me sometimes is I want it all to go away. I want to go off to a place where no one can reach me and no one knows me, if that makes any sense. It is not necessarily a good thing that I have these thoughts, but sometimes it clears my head of all the garbage, just to think about it. To think about just being in a forest, or on a mountain top, or on a secluded beach, or in a village far away, where no one knows me. Not sure the painful thoughts would go away, but I like to dream that they would. ❤
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It is ancient history now, but let me be clear that I did not actively choose this life. I was running very fast and very hard from a shitload of pain and loss and disappointment. And once I passed through all the stages of that, I realized how happy I was that I am free of responsibility for anyone else. You know about my story with my friend, and I can say with absolute certainty that I am glad he was not free when I met him (still isn’t, will never be), I would have gotten tired of spinning around him long ago. I get tired of it now, and just take off when I do.
Going to a family Thanksgiving, which is always completely drama free…nobody cares about politics except my brother and me, and we don’t discuss it because neither is changing the other’s mind :). I am bringing Israeli salad, noodle kugel with apples and raisins (would not be allowed in without it), pumpkin quickbread from an ancient Philadelphia Cream Cheese cookbook (it opens right to the recipe page!), and my FAMOUS carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. The baking is done; will make and par-bake the kugel tomorrow and make the salad. I have been asked to bring it “undressed” which is ridiculous, but I am respecting the request.
Lol about Bruce. We are getting a tour (woohoo) next year and if he comes to your town I will let you know!
I wish you peace for the holiday. I have a dear friend who will be enjoying her last Thanksgiving on this earth tomorrow, and being her witness has been extremely sobering, and is a strange and amazing gift.
xo
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I figured you were going to your brother’s and it does sound like you are bringing the delicacies. I have been eyeing a recipe for a while, I am making it this afternoon. I will post it once I have made it, and tasted it! Pumpkin Cake with Chocolate Ganache. Anything that has chocolate ganache on it is good in my book. I do love a good carrot cake though. Drama free is nice. We have had many drama free holidays, even those sound overwhelming to me at this point, but I know you have put in the time in your healing. Maybe some day I will be better at handling life again. Do keep me posted about Bruce. 🙂
I am sorry to hear about your friend, but glad you have such an amazing view of it all. ❤
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The thing is this (with the benefit of hindsight, and I do believe I have learned the lesson well)…at any given moment, on any given day until you die, you can choose life, choose happiness, choose freedom, choose peace. It takes a tremendous amount of will and perserverence through the guaranteed challenges and setbacks. But if you keep your eyes on the prize you can do anything you choose. I observe your struggles here and often want to just say “get out, I promise you will be better than fine”. Maybe it is similar to giving up an addiction? Maybe a question for you to think about is whether you are addicted to anything about your life, and if so imagine a future free of that addiction? I don’t know, but it might be a fresh way of thinking about it.
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That’s really the problem with this kind of blog, B. What prompts me to write, are the struggles. It’s a bit of a problem, but it is the reason I started the blog in the first place. The blogs I have had in the past have been overwhelmingly positive. Of course, I was a lot happier back then without the pain of infidelity and betrayal, but even events that caused me anxiety or pain were turned around. I made light of my fears. After d-day, I didn’t have the strength or the desire to make light of anything. I desperately needed the outlet and I wrote it all down, all the pain. This process of being in trauma and healing alongside an addict is difficult and doesn’t happen overnight. I feel like I am working towards something that I don’t really want to give up on at this time. And that is why I stay. I could write all the time, about all the good stuff we do and all the happy times we still have, but that is just life to me… the pain of what has transpired is what I don’t understand and what is so difficult. It is foreign, I have never had a painful or unhappy life, just moments. Yes, walking away would be easier. I do not doubt that, but is it really what I want? Easier isn’t necessarily better. I could say that after spending 32 years with one person by my side, I am more addicted to the relationship than in love with it, but that wouldn’t be true, at least not to me. So I keep working at it and I write out mostly pain here. I could balance it all out, write about good stuff, but it doesn’t feel right to me. I feel like I can choose all those things you mention, life, happiness, freedom, and peace with or without my partner and that is the goal. Trauma is my road block, not addiction. I do appreciate you giving me things to think about, and believe me, I think about walking away, a lot. I am not afraid of it. I am more afraid of quitting on something I really really care about. xo
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I don’t think of this conversation as indicative with a problem inherent in blogging. I am not judging. But of course I can only comment on what you choose to expose.
xo
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Another way to look at my thoughts: I asked my friend who is dying what advice she would give her younger self (I couldn’t ask “what do you regret?”, just not compassionate). What advice do you think your 70 year old self would give your 50 year old self (not necessary to answer here!!)?
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Yeah, I have been asked this before, just in general and I think it is an interesting question. We learn as we go. We wouldn’t have the knowledge we do at 70 if we hadn’t gone through what we did. I have asked myself, even on my blog, whether I would change anything about the past 30 years of my life. There are a few things, but mostly in what I allowed BE to get away with in our relationship because I thought it was making him happy, I thought he was fulfilling his life, not destroying it. This may sound conceited, but I feel good about the decisions I have made for myself and the way I carried myself. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am far from perfect and I am not being defensive. I just think carefully about what I do and how I do it. Since d-day, I have struggled to get that part of me back, what used to come so naturally. The main thing I think I learned over the past 20 years, is regarding parenting and I guess it could apply to my current situation, and most situations… let go of my expectations of others. Often times they are based on societal norms and unrealistic expectations of wanting others to be like me. Accept people for who they are, or walk away. I am doing better with this. xo
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I am RIGHT THERE with “him” right now. Totally agree that the most healthy and self-preserving way is to accept what is, or let go and walk away. He hurt me in his usual (meaning, self-absorbed) way on Monday, I reacted angrily but immediately regretted it, because I have sworn to myself that I am going to accept him as he is. I know him pretty much as well as if I have lived with him. I thought about this a lot while I was on my trip last month, and realized that my failure to accept him as he is (emotionally, not situationally) causes way too much bad feeling for both of us. He has been very very clear in acknowledging his emotional limitations. So I immediately apologized, declared a time-out, and went quiet. I hoped for no contact at least til next week while I YET AGAIN decide whether I can accept him as he is, but of course I got a text about 15 minutes ago. Deliver me…
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I know! We want some people in our lives, but they make it so difficult sometimes. It is all about us and our expectations and hang ups. We do have the choice to walk away (for example with my in-laws and your mother), but we stay sometimes (my sister, my husband, your friend). I don’t always think it is self torture. We keep them for a reason. If we trust ourselves, do we automatically assume our reasons are good? I think this is what people are talking about when they say we don’t really even know ourselves sometimes. It bugs me, because I am a control freak, but yeah… it is worth a thought or two or three. Good luck as you once again navigate the waters.
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Oh, and I think you are getting me right to where I was when thinking those words in the shower, above. I want to walk away from all of it, not just BE. I can’t and I won’t, it is literally like walking away from life when we find it too difficult. But dreaming of the emptiness sometimes, is ironically soothing.
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It’s hard sometimes to know what is appropriate for us to expect from others vs what is “entitlement” in a narcissistic sense. i am particularly sensitive to that having had a raging Narcissist for a mother!
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Absolutely beautiful. I also want to be alone some days. I felt that way even before his affair. I think its just human nature to sometimes long for what you don’t have.
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I was alone a lot throughout our marriage, and honestly most times it was nice. There were no expectations that anyone else would do anything around the house, or for me, or with me. I am an incredibly organized person. When my whole family was gone, it would take me a day or two to acclimate. To not be lonely, but after that, it was freeing, to have every minute to myself, no one asking me for anything. But I always knew they would be back, and so there was that. This feeling I have had randomly since d-day is a little different. It is the feeling that I don’t want anyone to know me. I don’t want to answer to anyone. It’s a desire to wipe everything away. To start a new life completely. I agree, it is human nature to want what we don’t have. I think mine is a desire to be solitary, but without all the pain. Definitely a dream that will never come true, unless I get amnesia. Hugs.
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More apt today than most, beautifully written.
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Thank you. I hope healing is taking place where you are. ❤
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Beautiful KC. Staying is so hard some days ❤️
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Indeed, staying is hard, and the thoughts that bombard our brains all day, are hard. I want a blank slate, but know I will never get it. xoxo
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And I want to feel loved again … Desperately. The grass isn’t always greener. I have more aloneness than I could ever handle. Sometimes I enjoy it. Sometimes it just feels lonely ❤️
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I agree, C. The grass is not always greener, but I still long for the nothingness. To feel nothing, I guess and not have to trade a lot of pain and sorrow for a little happiness. Most days aren’t like this, thankfully. It all feels lonely once we have been hurt to this extent. The healing journey is a hard fought battle. Hugs from across the country. xoxo
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Yes the healing battle is something we do alone.❤️
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Being alone is awesome. Emes.
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I know you love it and have mastered it. I believe that is your truth, B. Impressive. Mine feels more like I am trying to run away from the pain rather than deal with it, and that is why I don’t go… at least not yet. But, I do get it. I hope you enjoy the holiday. Will you be cooking up some vegetarian delicacies and listening to Bruce? I am looking forward to a peaceful day. xxx
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