Amends, part two

December 3, 2015

Later that evening…

I knew I was going to do what I did, I just really really wished Blue Eyes had taken our discussion in the morning and done more with it. I wish it had mattered enough for him, that he had taken a good look at that step eight amends list and revised it appropriately before I asked to see it. He lied about it being complete. Once he lied, I wish he had realized that he should at least properly complete the step eight list, like he had said he had done. Yeah, I know, wishes don’t always come true.

So, I did, ask to see it. It was handwritten in his scribble and it was the most confusing and disturbing thing I had seen in a while. It included friends from childhood that Blue Eyes had supposedly been “mean” to. It included old girlfriends and girls he had lusted after while supposedly studying in the library at law school. It included women he had tried to seduce, but failed, and it included women he had been grooming when he was diagnosed as a sex addict. It included most of Blue Eyes’ friends from high school and college. It included Blue Eyes’ family, the ones that perpetrated so much shit on him, AND, it included his acting out partners, the women he had fucked, behind my back, repeatedly.

I am not sure what was more disturbing to me, that he had listed children he had supposedly been “mean” to when he was like eight years old, or that he had listed girls he had lusted after that didn’t even know about it, or that he had listed his sex partners, clearly intending to make amends to them (and one of their names was MISSPELLED). I bet “Ashley” would just be thrilled to see that. Anyway, I do think in the end the most disturbing for me was seeing the law school girls that he had lusted after, first and last names. Wow, that was maybe 25 years ago. First and last names. He cannot even remember the names of some of my sisters and yet… Not only that, but he was supposed to be listing people he had harmed, people he theoretically needs to make amends to. How were these oblivious girls studying in a library harmed? I lost it. I became hysterical. All I could think about was what was going on in his brain as he was writing down, “Susie Smith” and “other girl in library.” What the fuckety fuck fuck fuck. I am married to an insane person. Basically he was creating a list of everyone he has ever known, AND everyone he has ever wanted to fuck. One being a huge pity party, look at me I am such a bad person that I need to make amends to absolutely every person I have ever met, and also let me take this opportunity to feed my brain memories of women I lusted after. It hurt. I hurt. I crumpled the list. I yelled. I cried. I screamed. I swore. I told him he was an idiot and that even I could understand a simple step that basically says make a list of the people you have harmed with your addiction. I wanted him to go away. He left. I slammed the door. I pounded on the door. I wanted him to leave forever and send back the other guy. The guy that has common sense and understands basic human decency and would never ever hurt me. Oh yeah, that guy doesn’t exist. I don’t want a guy who uses any opportunity to think back over his sick and lustful ways and then creates a lust list full of women he lusted over with lust in his heart.

I could feel my blood pressure going through the roof. My chest burned. I had to calm myself down. I focused on my breathing. I did not speak to Blue Eyes for the rest of the night. I went to sleep sad and discouraged.

Today.

This morning, other than the puffy eyes, I was fine. Blue Eyes had his early morning 12 step meeting, then fellowship, then the get together with his sponsor to discuss the 8th and 9th steps. He then had meetings and I had an appointment and he sent me a bunch of text messages throughout the day talking about how sorry he was, and how he needs to make further amends to me. Blah, blah, blah. I didn’t want to be completely rude, so I answered his texts with ok, ok, ok.

Blue Eyes returned home from work and told me he had spoken with his sponsor. I asked him what he had said. Blue Eyes went on and on about being more present, about not lying, about making amends to me… I was like, “yeah, I know all that, I am not stupid, I just don’t understand why you don’t instinctively know that stuff. I am asking you what he said about your 8th step amends list.” Blue Eyes said that his sponsor had been advised by his own sponsor that no person who colluded with Blue Eyes or that willingly had sex with him should be on his amends list, at all. That it is harmful to the wife. And then the heavens opened up and a bright light shone onto Blue Eyes and an epiphany was born. No the fuck it didn’t, and it wasn’t. What happened was, I said well, “gosh, if only you hadn’t lied about your 8th step. If only you had talked with the sponsor before telling me it was complete. If only you had used your brain and thought of that yourself before writing those names down.” But that would be way too fucking easy and Blue Eyes likes to make his life as complicated, convoluted, and miserable as possible.

As far as his 8th & 9th steps, my work here is done. I now know more than I want to know. The thing I was impressed with during this 8th step amends list fiasco, however, is the list of positive behaviors Blue Eyes will participate in in order to make amends to himself. Among other things, he will be writing an article about sex addiction for a bar journal, and volunteering his time to a couple of local charities. He will take time he would have been acting out and put it to good use. That, I would like to see.

23 thoughts on “Amends, part two

  1. I cannot imagine what it is like for you. Betrayal is one thing. Betrayal coupled with a “sickness” is another. I don’t think I could ever justify that kind of behavior in my mind. Wishing you the best.

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    • This has definitely not been an easy or fun path, and it is not over yet. I guess this is not really about me justifying his behavior, but really about deciding whether I believe in him or not and whether I want to stick it out with him or not. Questions I am faced with every day. I will never be able to justify his actions. Thanks for the wishes.

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      • I don’t know much about sex addiction. I know about alcohol addiction from my ex, my son and my former monster-in-law. If you have the strength and the will, then you will succeed in whatever decision you make. I hope it will work out for you if you make the decision to stay but I will be afraid for you….not for any kind of retribution but for more disappointment. Some addicts never completely recover.

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        • So very true, some addicts never recover and in fact, I actually believe I understand addiction far better than my husband, even 23 months into this! I know lots of people who would walk away. I respect their decision. Certainly my husband is not who I thought he was, such a shocking revelation after 30+ years. The thing I have learned so far, is that he will disappoint me again (does it all the time, my expectations have always been quite high), but I have the power to let it hurt me, or not. I’m working on it. I think we all must be independently strong and healthy in order to have a productive relationship with anyone. I stay because I believe in happiness with my husband. Addiction is incredibly scary. Even if he never acts out with another woman again, he is still an addict with all the underlying wounds and brokenness. At this point, the good still outweighs the bad and he is committed to the process, and so am I. We both have many obstacles to overcome. Day by day. xxx

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  2. As crappy as it gets, I’m envious. Mine goes to the counselor to avoid my going to the police. I doubt any healing is taking place and have lost hope. I am envious wishing mine were willing to make a list, even if it did go back to childhood.

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  3. Oh Kat, that would hurt, no doubt! I am glad his sponsor was able to step-in and help him see the error of his thinking. I know it is the actions that matter and there have been plenty of verbal apologies from MC, but sometimes written words can be a healing balm too. MC’s apology letter to me is still something I value greatly. Would BE write an amends letter to you?

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    • Oh my, TL, BE loves to write… letters, amends letters, apology letters, poems calling me his little bird, etc… There have been many many verbal and written amends made to me (I could make a book out of them). Long ones, short ones, all kinds. I appreciate the sentiment, but this was really about having to think about all the women he lusted after for all those years, and even a moment’s thought that the colluding and willing partners were victims, because they were all carelessly scribbled down on a piece of paper, by him. It hurt. I doubt he thought I would ever ask to see the list. I am guessing there will be lots more written amends, plus loving and caring acts, plus more verbal amends as well, all coming my way. The whole world thought Blue Eyes was the most romantic and sensitive guy… now many of us know the truth. It would be nice if the facade became the real man. He’s working on it. xoxo

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    • Thank you so much, Rac. I don’t really hold on to this stuff for very long anymore, which I guess is good. I feel totally over it, just tired. I was happy to be vindicated by the sponsor, just wish BE would stop hurting me. Maybe some day. I try not to let his missteps hurt me, but some days I am blindsided. xoxo

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