December 3, 2015

And just when you think he gets it…

Blue Eyes is working his step nine:

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. (sa.org)

Step eight was making the list (I always thought step eight was the making amends step), but step nine is the actual “doing it” step.

Since he is on step nine, Blue Eyes has already made the amends list. I have not seen it nor asked to see it. Like he does every Tuesday morning, Blue Eyes had therapy two days ago. I don’t ask him about it anymore. Today before leaving for work, however, Blue Eyes mentioned he is trying to get ahold of his sponsor. Since he really only contacts his sponsor about the steps, I asked him what step he was working on. He said, “step nine, making the amends.” Hmm. Okay.

He and The Shrink had talked about step nine Tuesday in therapy, he said. I started getting a weird feeling. Even though Blue Eyes and I have talked sort of generally about who he intends to make amends to, he has pretty much just said he needs to continue to make amends to me and the kids, which he has been doing all along. He also made quite a few in-person verbal apologies to friends and family that he lied to and deceived, repeatedly.

Previously, Blue Eyes promised to write a letter to Colleen’s sister, Colleen being my friend (who I have almost no contact with anymore) who he had written those personal and inappropriate letters to way back when and who he already apologized to earlier last year. During that whole apologizing process, an incident with Colleen’s sister had come up. When Blue Eyes and I had been visiting Colleen at one point, years and years ago, like late 1980’s, and Colleen was living with her sister, Colleen and I were heading out to run an errand. We asked Blue Eyes if he wanted to go, but he opted to stay back with the sister. No big deal. Apparently while we were gone, Blue Eyes and the sister were watching a movie together. At one point, Blue Eyes started rubbing the sister’s neck, massaging it. I don’t even remember whether anything inappropriate was said, or how it started, but the sister was very shy and completely inexperienced with boys, and she was so uncomfortable with the touching that she had mentioned it to Colleen later. Colleen brought it up last year to me. Not sure if it had come up again when Colleen found out Blue Eyes was a sex addict, or whether she just remembered the incident from all those years ago. Blue Eyes does not remember it at all. Not surprising as he did loads and loads of inappropriate things. He decided that when it came time to do his amends step, he would write a letter to the sister. So now, 21 months later, he is at that step. He will write a letter to the sister. I also suggested he write a letter to Colleen. Even though he apologized in person all those months ago, I think it is fair that he write both of them an amends letter, being completely open and forthright about the fact that I know about the letters…. this time.

I said it sounds like a good exercise in apologizing to someone that he wronged, even though it will be uncomfortable to do so. I thought maybe he should do that for a couple of the women he pursued, the innocent victims that actually were strong enough to tell him off, or not participate in his self serving secret life, but not send them as it would harm them. I had a couple of those women in mind. He said The Shrink said the same thing. I asked him how he had decided who should be on his amends list. He said he talked with The Shrink, and would talk with The Sponsor, and then, as an after thought he said, “and you, of course. I would talk with you about it.” Of course I am the after thought. I am always the after thought. He said The Shrink said he should write a letter to everyone he wronged, even if some of them Blue Eyes just burns or simply destroys. He says he has a call into The Sponsor (that’s where this whole conversation started).

I took a breath and words caught in my throat. I asked him what The Shrink meant by “everyone he wronged?” He said The Shrink thought it a good idea if he writes letters even if he doesn’t send them, but The Shrink actually didn’t look at the list, he was just speaking in general. From the look on Blue Eyes’ face, I could tell he was talking about the Other Women. He would write an amends letter to the other women, but not send them. I could feel the tears in my eyes before I even realized they were coming. I asked him if he was planning on writing letters to the other women? And what in the fuck would he say? Would he apologize to them for hurting them, for taking advantage of them, for lying to them? If he is never going to send them, why write them? It will just take him back to those places we have already been, over and over and over. I said his writing those letters would harm me. That we have already talked about this ad infinitum. That those women knowingly, willingly and happily stole from me and tried to break apart my marriage, regardless of what he did. It is traumatizing to think about what they have done, what they have stolen, and also what he would say to make amends. They are common thieves. That he would even think about apologizing to those whores, breaks my heart.

I know he could hear the pain in my voice and the tears were falling. He had already harmed me, with his ninth step, even though the step is designed not to harm anyone. It’s right there “except when to do so would injure them or others.” I AM the others. He said, no no no, he wouldn’t do it. He never said he hadn’t planned to do it, he said he wouldn’t do it. He knelt down in front of me and said he wouldn’t do it because it would harm me. I said he had already done the harm. By not realizing how I would feel by his writing those letters, he has harmed me. By not thinking of me, he has injured. By his apologizing (even if they never hear it or receive it) to horrible, culpable women he minimizes me and my trauma. Sometimes I just fucking hate The Shrink. How could he not address the fact with Blue Eyes that writing those letters to the other women (even if Blue Eyes destroys them) would hurt me. It negates my feelings by even thinking for one second that they were victims. I fought with myself numerous times early on regarding feeling sorry for those sorry bitches. My instincts are to feel sorry for them, I’m a fucking empath, but I have been counseled by every single therapist I have seen, those trying to help ME, that I should not feel sorry for them. That I am the only person I need to take care of now. They are criminals who perpetrated a horrible crime against me, at least in my mind and under my moral code. How could he not see that it would injure me to make amends to those women? If they are on the list, there should be a big “x” in the NO AMENDS column, where it says, I may have lied to them, and used them for sex, but they colluded and in so doing harmed someone I love, and they get no sympathy, no mercy, no nothing. Not even a thought.

He kept saying, “I don’t want to harm you.” Well, he already harmed me by once again not thinking of me. I asked him if The Shrink had intended that he do his amends letters privately, and not tell me? He said, “no of course not, that wouldn’t be open and honest.” Really? There was no right answer to that question. I hate trapping him, I really do and mostly I do not do it on purpose. By saying yes to doing the letters in private, he is keeping something from me. Even thinking about those women in the context of an apology makes me want to vomit. He would be going over what he had done, to them, with them, and apologizing to them. So of course he couldn’t say yes to that. If he was open and honest, and told me he was writing letters to them, it would minimize me and my pain. It was a very very bad idea. A no win situation. One that The Shrink put in Blue Eyes mind even though months ago Blue Eyes said he would never make any kind of amends to the women he had sex with. It wasn’t right. They are not victims. All of a sudden they are victims again. Fuck it.

I bounced back rather quickly, as I am apt to do these days. The pain didn’t stay, but the frustration did (otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this). I want to slap The Shrink for being so uncaring, for putting those thoughts back in Blue Eyes head, and for validating the madness, or at least not being astute enough to see where Blue Eyes would take the advice. You cannot speak in generalities to a guy that has fucked up his life this bad. And I want to slap Blue Eyes for not thinking of me when contemplating the outrageous idea of making amends to a bunch of broken whores. I used to care about everyone. Now I don’t. I don’t care about people who were so careless with their selfish behavior that they hurt me and my children and have no intention of making amends to me. They can go straight to hell.

And then I asked Blue Eyes to show me his 8th step list…

To be continued