Amends, part one

December 3, 3015

And just when you think he gets it…

Blue Eyes is working his step nine:

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. (sa.org)

Step eight was making the list (I always thought step eight was the making amends step), but step nine is the actual “doing it” step.

Since he is on step nine, Blue Eyes has already made the amends list. I have not seen it nor asked to see it. Like he does every Tuesday morning, Blue Eyes had therapy two days ago. I don’t ask him about it anymore. Today before leaving for work, however, Blue Eyes mentioned he is trying to get ahold of his sponsor. Since he really only contacts his sponsor about the steps, I asked him what step he was working on. He said, “step nine, making the amends.” Hmm. Okay.

He and The Shrink had talked about step nine Tuesday in therapy, he said. I started getting a weird feeling. Even though Blue Eyes and I have talked sort of generally about who he intends to make amends to, he has pretty much just said he needs to continue to make amends to me and the kids, which he has been doing all along. He also made quite a few in-person verbal apologies to friends and family that he lied to and deceived, repeatedly.

Previously, Blue Eyes promised to write a letter to Colleen’s sister, Colleen being my friend (who I have almost no contact with anymore) who he had written those personal and inappropriate letters to way back when and who he already apologized to earlier last year. During that whole apologizing process, an incident with Colleen’s sister had come up. When Blue Eyes and I had been visiting Colleen at one point, years and years ago, like late 1980’s, and Colleen was living with her sister, Colleen and I were heading out to run an errand. We asked Blue Eyes if he wanted to go, but he opted to stay back with the sister. No big deal. Apparently while we were gone, Blue Eyes and the sister were watching a movie together. At one point, Blue Eyes started rubbing the sister’s neck, massaging it. I don’t even remember whether anything inappropriate was said, or how it started, but the sister was very shy and completely inexperienced with boys, and she was so uncomfortable with the touching that she had mentioned it to Colleen later. Colleen brought it up last year to me. Not sure if it had come up again when Colleen found out Blue Eyes was a sex addict, or whether she just remembered the incident from all those years ago. Blue Eyes does not remember it at all. Not surprising as he did loads and loads of inappropriate things. He decided that when it came time to do his amends step, he would write a letter to the sister. So now, 21 months later, he is at that step. He will write a letter to the sister. I also suggested he write a letter to Colleen. Even though he apologized in person all those months ago, I think it is fair that he write both of them an amends letter, being completely open and forthright about the fact that I know about the letters…. this time.

I said it sounds like a good exercise in apologizing to someone that he wronged, even though it will be uncomfortable to do so. I thought maybe he should do that for a couple of the women he pursued, the innocent victims that actually were strong enough to tell him off, or not participate in his self serving secret life, but not send them as it would harm them. I had a couple of those women in mind. He said The Shrink said the same thing. I asked him how he had decided who should be on his amends list. He said he talked with The Shrink, and would talk with The Sponsor, and then, as an after thought he said, “and you, of course. I would talk with you about it.” Of course I am the after thought. I am always the after thought. He said The Shrink said he should write a letter to everyone he wronged, even if some of them Blue Eyes just burns or simply destroys. He says he has a call into The Sponsor (that’s where this whole conversation started).

I took a breath and words caught in my throat. I asked him what The Shrink meant by “everyone he wronged?” He said The Shrink thought it a good idea if he writes letters even if he doesn’t send them, but The Shrink actually didn’t look at the list, he was just speaking in general. From the look on Blue Eyes’ face, I could tell he was talking about the Other Women. He would write an amends letter to the other women, but not send them. I could feel the tears in my eyes before I even realized they were coming. I asked him if he was planning on writing letters to the other women? And what in the fuck would he say? Would he apologize to them for hurting them, for taking advantage of them, for lying to them? If he is never going to send them, why write them? It will just take him back to those places we have already been, over and over and over. I said his writing those letters would harm me. That we have already talked about this ad infinitum. That those women knowingly, willingly and happily stole from me and tried to break apart my marriage, regardless of what he did. It is traumatizing to think about what they have done, what they have stolen, and also what he would say to make amends. They are common thieves. That he would even think about apologizing to those whores, breaks my heart.

I know he could hear the pain in my voice and the tears were falling. He had already harmed me, with his ninth step, even though the step is designed not to harm anyone. It’s right there “except when to do so would injure them or others.” I AM the others. He said, no no no, he wouldn’t do it. He never said he hadn’t planned to do it, he said he wouldn’t do it. He knelt down in front of me and said he wouldn’t do it because it would harm me. I said he had already done the harm. By not realizing how I would feel by his writing those letters, he has harmed me. By not thinking of me, he has injured. By his apologizing (even if they never hear it or receive it) to horrible, culpable women he minimizes me and my trauma. Sometimes I just fucking hate The Shrink. How could he not address the fact with Blue Eyes that writing those letters to the other women (even if Blue Eyes destroys them) would hurt me. It negates my feelings by even thinking for one second that they were victims. I fought with myself numerous times early on regarding feeling sorry for those sorry bitches. My instincts are to feel sorry for them, I’m a fucking empath, but I have been counseled by every single therapist I have seen, those trying to help ME, that I should not feel sorry for them. That I am the only person I need to take care of now. They are criminals who perpetrated a horrible crime against me, at least in my mind and under my moral code. How could he not see that it would injure me to make amends to those women? If they are on the list, there should be a big “x” in the NO AMENDS column, where it says, I may have lied to them, and used them for sex, but they colluded and in so doing harmed someone I love, and they get no sympathy, no mercy, no nothing. Not even a thought.

He kept saying, “I don’t want to harm you.” Well, he already harmed me by once again not thinking of me. I asked him if The Shrink had intended that he do his amends letters privately, and not tell me? He said, “no of course not, that wouldn’t be open and honest.” Really? There was no right answer to that question. I hate trapping him, I really do and mostly I do not do it on purpose. By saying yes to doing the letters in private, he is keeping something from me. Even thinking about those women in the context of an apology makes me want to vomit. He would be going over what he had done, to them, with them, and apologizing to them. So of course he couldn’t say yes to that. If he was open and honest, and told me he was writing letters to them, it would minimize me and my pain. It was a very very bad idea. A no win situation. One that The Shrink put in Blue Eyes mind even though months ago Blue Eyes said he would never make any kind of amends to the women he had sex with. It wasn’t right. They are not victims. All of the sudden they are victims again. Fuck it.

I bounced back rather quickly, as I am apt to do these days. The pain didn’t stay, but the frustration did (otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this). I want to slap The Shrink for being so uncaring, for putting those thoughts back in Blue Eyes head, and for validating the madness, or at least not being astute enough to see where Blue Eyes would take the advice. You cannot speak in generalities to a guy that has fucked up his life this bad. And I want to slap Blue Eyes for not thinking of me when contemplating the outrageous idea of making amends to a bunch of broken whores. I used to care about everyone. Now I don’t. I don’t care about people who were so careless with their selfish behavior that they hurt me and my children and have no intention of making amends to me. They can go straight to hell.

And then I asked Blue Eyes to show me his 8th step list…

To be continued

 

 

6 thoughts on “Amends, part one

  1. Would it be possible for you to go to the next therapy session and explain that waiting at home is you(collateral damage) and BE should not be encouraged to ever think about those women. It would be the same as constantly discussing drugs with a drug addict. It is going to take your husband a long time to retrain his brain and his drug of choice should be the last thing he should be focused on.
    Hope things get better.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes, Let Go. I think the therapist was negligent in not realizing how little my husband actually “gets it” at this point. The Shrink never looked at the list but instead spoke in generalities, which left big gaping chasms for my husband to, once again, fall to his own demise. I am writing part two of this… it kind of got worse before it got better, but it did get better. These kinds of things affect me much less deeply now than they did a few months ago. Step work does take hard work and addicts seem to be clueless sometimes. Thanks!

      Like

      • Oh Kat, his therapist is supposed to guide him, as is his sponsor (I think). OW are not victims, not if they willingly and knowingly participated. I know this was not malicious on BE’s part, but clueless for sure. Do you think he was overthinking it, confusing that someone felt bad from his choices (ending it) with someone who felt bad because they were an unwilling participant (a victim). You are so right, this is where the therapist and sponsor need to step-up and step-in to guide him in seeing and understanding the difference. I hope you can have a visit with the therapist to discuss!

        Liked by 2 people

        • I guess the only thing I can really hold the therapist accountable for at this point is not realizing how Blue Eyes thinks. Unfortunately, I know all too well. I immediately knew that he took the therapist’s benign and general statements and applied them to the other women. The therapist is not really supposed to be working with BE on his steps. That is the sole job of the sponsor. The sponsor has years and years of experience with men just like BE. BE can be very clueless and no, it was not malicious, but it hurt nonetheless. He was overthinking and under thinking all at the same time, which he is apt to do. I guess the part I still struggle most with is how obvious these things are to me and how flustered Blue Eyes is with what appears to me to be very simple tasks. I guess that is why I am not an addict, and he is. Thanks so much for your comment. I try to avoid therapists these days although as soon as BE has his hip replacement surgery I will be taking him to his therapy appointments. I guess I could join in on one of those and remind The Shrink just exactly who he is dealing with 😉 ❤

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing. Esp the part of rubbing the neck. My Writer did that to my tenant, wigged her, and he claims innocent and it was not sexual at all.. Lies, simply unaware, or otherwise, helps to see that others transgressions also run the gamut from “minor” on up too. Keep up the writing and healing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • If guys cannot tell when a woman does or does not want to be touched, they are in denial and rationalizing bad behavior. What might have been minor to my husband was not minor to my friend’s sister, and her feelings, under the circumstances, are what matter. Thank you for your encouraging words.

      Liked by 1 person

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