I was doing so well

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And this is the way it is going to be, for a very very long time. I was doing well. Accepting of my new and hopefully temporary role of being the caregiver to my husband. I had honestly, pre surgery, been doing well with our roles reversed for a change. I enjoyed kicking back and not having to worry about every meal of the day, or cleaning up every dish, or doing any laundry. Since Blue Eyes hasn’t traveled overnight by himself since d-day, I have not had long stretches of time where everything family, everything relationship, and everything business, falls on my shoulders. I liked this new way of our marriage. I wished it had happened a long time ago… not d-day and what transpired, but the sharing of more of the household responsibilities. To put it another way, I wish Blue Eyes had given a shit before. I wish he hadn’t spent most of his “free” moments thinking about all the conjured stressors and resentments in his life, which led to thoughts of his next hookup. I wish he had thought more about me and my needs and the needs of our relationship and our family. Maybe I should change the name of my blog to stop wishing for things that will never come true.

After days of doling out medications, bringing him cold drinks, hot drinks, meals, ice packs, more medication, propping pillows, helping with showers, trying to make sure he didn’t take a tumble, or that he had the television remote handy, or his books, I was sort of in a groove. It wasn’t all fun and with cooking and cleaning up three meals a day, I was beginning to enter exhaustion stage, and my hands are dry and chafed, my back is achy from all the bending over the dishwasher, but it wasn’t all bad either. My sleep was a bit disjointed as Blue Eyes needs to sleep in a position that is not only comfortable for him, but with his head a bit elevated. Sleeping on his sides was difficult and when he sleeps on his back, he snores. Add in medication, and he snores a lot. The thing is though, we could sleep in, and even nap if we want, because we had no where to be and other than medication schedules, we had nothing to do really. Maybe that was part of the problem. Maybe I was going stir crazy.

We were able to sit and relax in our cozy warm bed and watch Christmas movies together. I made some really tasty meals, which I have sort of missed over the past two years… cooking and cleaning every day went by the wayside for much of that time. We enjoyed some really quiet time with the dogs off playing at the ranch and the boys off doing their thing. There was pure relaxed peace and quiet… when I wasn’t jumping up to take on and off the ridiculously tight compression socks he has to wear for six weeks to prevent blood clotting, or to pick up something he had dropped on the floor. It started to feel like I was babysitting a toddler who was purposely throwing things on the floor for attention, or because it is fun. For the first few days, the only smiles I received from Blue Eyes were in a drug-induced haze. As he started weaning off the meds, there were a lot less smiles, and a lot more quick glances of resentment. I know they are not directed at me, I did not cause him this pain, but I am the only one around to see them.

I think the straw that broke the camel’s back was when his 12 step buddy texted him, and Blue Eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. I know he hates being cooped up. I know he misses his meetings and his new friends. I know it is fun to get a nice, thoughtful text from a guy friend saying he hopes you are feeling better and he loves you. That is a very cool thing. It is not really fair that it pissed me off. I realize this. But it did. Not the friend texting him part, but Blue Eyes’ reaction… as if that guy is the only person that really cares about him. I tried to just let it go, but Blue Eyes kept going back to his phone. It’s been a while since the phone was a trigger to me. That is a good thing. I wish I was bullet proof. I wish I was perfect. I wish none of this mattered to me anymore. I wish I could wave a magic wand, and POOF, I was healed forever. I wish, I wish, I wish.

And then things kind of snowballed for me. When I feel like I am being ignored or taken for granted, my brain often takes me back to times that are vivid in my memory. They meant little to me then, but mean a lot to me now. It is part and parcel to Blue Eyes acting out all those years, but it leaves me with a used and worthless feeling that when I am not doing well, is difficult to shake. This particular episode took me to one of his out of town trips. He was leaving for a long business trip to Japan. He was having a particularly disorganized morning. Blue Eyes acting crazy before out of town trips was not unusual, and actually, it was a “thing.” My brother and I talked about it often. How Blue Eyes seemed to “crave” out of town travel, like he was trying to escape, almost like he “needed” it. He would schedule, schedule, schedule. Sometimes up to 4-5 meetings per day as I have mentioned before. Many of the trips were taken with me or the sales guys. Some were orchestrated to feed his addiction. Often, when it came time to actually pack and leave for the trip, he was out of control. He was disrespectful to the employees and completely ungrounded with me and the boys. I always thought, and said, why does he plan these trips when they seem to cause him so much stress. They didn’t all seem necessary to the success of our company. I figured being hyper was his trying to get himself pumped up for the level of energy it would take to meet with and present to that many clients and potential clients. That to conduct business and be as successful as he was/is it takes a toll on a person. Especially a person like Blue Eyes. He thrives on it, but it sucks the life out of him. I still think that was PART of the story.

The other part, no one knew that Blue Eyes in fact was obsessively texting, calling, and emailing a blackmailing whore during this time. No one knew Blue Eyes was clandestinely meeting up with a woman at the airport and spending the entire trip sleeping with her in his bed and having sex with her as often as it worked into his crazy schedule and her crazy crazy crazy manipulative ways. It’s all fucking crazy. When I am not doing well, the crazy threatens to eat me alive. So, on that day way back when, I cannot remember the year, I think it was their first trip together, Spring 2008, and maybe that was why he was so incredibly ungrounded, I drove him to the airport. As we were driving up to the departures area, Blue Eyes was frantically going through his pockets, his carry on bag, his computer bag. He had forgotten his passport. He was beside himself frantic. I chuckled and said, “maybe you won’t be leaving today after all.” His look was pure daggers. Geez, not the end of the world. I told him I probably had time to run back home and get it if he wanted. He said, “yes, yes, I’ll go check in.” So, I took off for home on this beautifully sunny morning hoping in the back of my mind that I couldn’t find the passport. He said he thought maybe it was in his nightstand drawer. We live about 20-25 minutes from the airport on the best of days, so round trip 40-50 minutes. Even with time running into the house, I made it back in 45 minutes. He was waiting at the curb, ran over, grabbed the passport and as he ran back into the airport he yelled, “thanks, you’re a lifesaver.” I remember this like it was yesterday. I can picture him running into the airport. At the time I was sad I had found the passport, but Blue Eyes had been traveling for years, it was just another trip. What I didn’t know, remember me, the ignorant fool, was it was not just another trip. Thinking about how I rushed around for him so that he would not miss a trip out of town where he was obsessively lying to me and betraying me, is a painful lonely feeling, like no other.

After everything I had been doing, when I saw that look of pure happiness, joy, and gratitude on Blue Eyes’ face after a simple text from his 12 step buddy, my heart plunged to that horrible place. The passport incident flashed in my mind. Just me, again, feeling like a fucking tool. I had to cry it out. I hate when that happens. So does Blue Eyes. At one point he uttered the words that I have grown accustomed to despise, “what brought these feelings on this time… ” I’m tired, I’ve had a headache for two days, I feel cooped up, like a prisoner in a cell. I carved out an hour to write this post. Even though I feel like a big cry baby, I know some of you understand.

I think I need to get out of the house. Blue Eyes is doing much better. He is off the pain meds, the swelling has gone down, the bruising still looks intense, he is getting around fine by himself, even going up and down our treacherous stairs. We still cannot leave him alone, but the boys are helping as much as they are able. The bandage comes off today. Not looking forward to that. We are planning an early family dinner out at one of our favorite casual restaurants. We only have two more days with our older son. Other than driving, I imagine things will be looking pretty good next week for Blue Eyes. I know there will continue to be days like yesterday for me. How could a person just “get over” this kind of shock and betrayal. She can’t. I give myself permission to lick my wounds. Healing is a journey, not a destination. That’s what I keep telling myself.

25 thoughts on “I was doing so well

  1. This makes me sad for you. Is there any possibility that you could choose to practice radical acceptance of his limitations, release permanently and competely all hopes and expectations for more, and choose to live a marriage of convenience that allows you to keep your status, property, and material things?

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    • Nah, B. Not going to happen. He is changing and recovering and I can see that. Doesn’t mean there won’t be bad days. We all have limitations, there is no perfect human being after all, but I am not a marriage of convenience kind of gal. Honesty, kindness, respect, and open communication is what being a partner means to me. I’m not going to dumb it down.

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  2. Sounds to me like you need to go somewhere quiet, maybe eat some cheesecake and drink coffee. Seems like you’ve done tremendously well, seems like BE’s old habits are dying hard. His gratitude, patience, appreciation should be endless – no doubt it will be when he’s mobile again. Big hugs!! X X X

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    • I agree. His gratitude, patience, and appreciation should be endless, and he tries. I know he feels all those things, and I am inevitably the one that is with him all the time, so I see the good, the bad, and the ugly and vice versa. Pain and exhaustion brings out the worst in us. I do need a little break. I am plotting my escape. 🙂 Big {{{hugs}}} back to you, Owlie! I hope you are feeling better too. ❤

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      • Drugs, pain, stress and surgery make it hard to focus outside of oneself for the most naturally empathetic. It sucks nonetheless! Let me just send you and BE best wishes for as painless and speedy of a recovery from surgery as possible, for BE’s physical well-being and your emotional well-being. In the meantime, a hot bath, some herbal tea, and some tranquility for an hour or so just for you are in order.

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        • Thanks so much, TL. You are not the first to suggest the bath/tea combo. That seems like the most accessible solution at this point. I know I shouldn’t be resentful right now because I realize he is incredibly fallible and still early on in the journey and this surgery is a big painful frustrating hurdle, but I am glad I get to write it out here. Even when I know I am being a bit unreasonable, it helps. We all need a chance to reinvigorate the calm and peace within. We appreciate your wishes. I know in a month this will all be a memory in the rearview mirror… xxx

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          • Kat, I totally understand where you are coming from. When MC had his vasectomy, was high on valium and worried about the surgery, Mr. “To Do List” made a comment to the doctor about the house falling apart while he was on bed rest for a couple of days. I felt unappreciated and BLEW my lid. So, just to say, I understand where you are coming from and with a bit of distance from the incident, I can see how the valium, stress and worry of the surgery he was undergoing at my request, mixed with his OCD was deserving of perhaps a tad bit more compassion from me. Shh, don’t tell MC I said that. 😉

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            • Ha, I dare say I would have probably been more like MC than BE under those circumstances. I have the OCD and am the one that likes to have things in order (not that you wouldn’t have been able to keep things in order, but BE… well… 🙂 ). BE was more worried that no one would take care of him. Considering all the years I have taken care of everything while he did a piss poor job of taking care of his own (secret) life, I feel like his fears were totally unfounded, but really, most of his life has been about rationalizing and not living in reality. We also had a long talk last night about how he never would have had this surgery if not for my “encouragement.” It kind of made me feel like he was once again blaming me for his pain, but I know he has been in pain his whole life. I just need to let the self sabotaging feelings go. This kind of thing does put an already strained relationship under pressure. I could have/should have done a better job of keeping my emotions in check, but sometimes, I surprise myself in an unhappy way. Time for that bath now… ❤

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  3. Hello, I’m thinking of you and hoping that your today is looking upward. I appreciate your sharing to reach out to those like me that can relate. Today marks 23 years of marriage for me and the recovery process has its hills and valleys. The moodiness of my spouse is what drives me crazy. He happy one day, reclusive the next, and mad the next (flipping and flopping…I’m wondering who will he be today?). We are on a family vacation trying to make the most of what we do have. I am trying to remember to enjoy each day without the depressive thoughts of the traumatic parts of my marriage and the repeating triggering thoughts that involve worrying about tomorrow. Because of the resort quarters we slept in bed for the first time pretty much since D-day 09-30-2014 – still non-physical due to his sexual addiction — after spending so much on his recovery and him dropping by to see the AP this year (he admits no touch) and my fear of physical contamination. When will this crazy thing stop!?!? At times I feel like I’m going crazy. The divorce door stucks and the choice to remain sucks, too, at times. Life isn’t fair – TYLB14

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    • Well congratulations on making it this far, especially under the circumstances!!! I can totally understand your fears. I hope the crazy stops for you soon, but I know it can take a very very long time. The moodiness is part and parcel to their addiction and healing, and not about us, but I hate the fact that we not only are the betrayed and have to deal with the trauma, but we are also the ones that get the brunt of the fall out from them having to give up their coping drugs as well. You are correct, it sucks and is not fair, at all! A constant battle trying to decide if the staying is worth it. The one thing I do know after all this… I can definitely thrive on my own if that is the way this turns out. Most days are really quite good now, but when I am tired and feel beat down, it comes crashing back with a vengeance. I hope you are able to enjoy at least a little bit of your family vacation. I know, sometimes it just feels like pretending. Lots of hugs to you. xxx

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  4. Big big big hug Kat. It is a journey and there are going to be these rough patches. Getting it out and acknowledging it is important as we heal and part of it. Just sucks when we have these episodes…….and we all have them. Xxxx

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  5. Your husband needs EMDR therapy. It is repetitive and works. He is going to fight this addiction until he can let go of the childhood that wounded him
    Also, did he have anterior or posterior hip surgery. I had anterior, no compression stockings, was off a walker in five days and never had a pain.

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    • I have read about EMDR therapy. He has received many different types of therapy and has done some really good work. Bad habits don’t change overnight. Sometimes I think I am the one that needs EMDR. BE researched the heck out of the anterior v. posterior surgeries and talked to numerous people who had both. He went with the best surgeon he could find who does about 300 surgeries a year and he trusts him. Nothing he is going through is abnormal, other than due to his specific circumstances they had to cut numerous muscles that they wouldn’t normally and he has many internal stitches. He needed the posterior surgery. He can walk without the walker, but we like him to use it. Compression stockings are for blood clots, which they seem quite paranoid about these days, for all surgeries. We feel lucky that they are just knee socks and not the ones that go all the way to the waist. I have never heard of anyone having surgery and not having any pain… our neighbor had anterior and definitely had pain although he did recuperate all on his own with no one around. The pain BE is experiencing post surgery is far less than pre-surgery. He looks forward to being pain free very soon. Right now his movement is mostly about getting those muscles to work again.

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    • Thanks, C. That bath sounds nice. I’ll probably order my favorite green chile cheeseburger for dinner, that will be a treat! I just took a few moments to open the mail that has been sitting for days and there was a card from my favorite aunt. She says this in her card: “Hope the surgery is successful and I know you’ll be a great caregiver. Smiling is important.” Oh, the irony. If she only knew how much I needed that smile! 🙂 Time for a recharge.

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