Dreamers

Some people think it is odd that I can remember my dreams with such clarity. I guess a lot of people can’t remember their dreams, and if they can, they can’t remember much detail. About once a week I have a really vivid dream that stays with me for at least a few hours, if not more time. I dream a lot.

Both Blue Eyes and I have had nightmares since discovery day. You know, prior to d-day I only ever remember having had two nightmares, my whole life. One was a dream where my mother fell off a mountain and plunged to her, well, it would have been her death if I hadn’t woken up right before she hit the ground. I was an adult at the time, with kids of my own, but the dream scared the crap out of me. My Mom is fine. She never fell off a mountain. She is a healthy 72 year old. The other nightmare I remember vividly was the one I had the night before my older son started kindergarten. Our kids attended a language magnet program across town, K-8. There was bus service that picked them up at the local elementary school about 1/2 mile from our house and drove them to the magnet school across the river. The dream was just awful and I can still remember it in great detail, which I won’t repeat all of here, but suffice it to say, the bus crashed and it was not pretty, and I never did find my son, in that dream. By the time he actually boarded that bus the next morning (and I have such a cute picture of him going up those stairs nearly 20 years ago), I was in a cold sweat and kept asking myself why I hadn’t just driven him to school. He wanted so desperately to ride that bus the first day of school with the rest of the kids, that there was no way I was going to let my nightmare get in the way of his little boy dreams. He arrived safely to school, and safely back home that day, and every single other day of those nine years.

Since that fateful day in January two years ago, nightmares haunt my sleep more than I would have thought humanly possible without a person going crazy. I cannot count the number of nights I have woken moaning, crying, or screaming, sometimes in a pool of sweat, after having been stabbed by the other woman, in the stomach, or stabbed by Blue Eyes, in the heart. I have dreamt that the other woman stole my kids from school, I have dreamt that the other woman broke into our house and held us at gunpoint. The worst of the nightmares happened the first year after discovery. Nightmares are few and far between these days but they still happen.

Last Friday morning I woke with the following dream vivid in my mind. In the dream I was suffering numerous symptoms (similar to symptoms I have actually been suffering from over the past few weeks) including stomach cramps, headaches, and upper back pain (like pinched nerves at my shoulder blades). I was anxious and stressed and feeling trapped by the pain. I drove myself to the hospital emergency room. They put me in a long rectangular chamber with hospital beds lining both sides of the walls, kind of how I might picture a military hospital after a war, but the beds were filled with adult women of all ages. While I was in a bed having vitals taken, I drifted away to a place in my mind where I was lying on a blanket on a large expanse of green lawn, like in a park. It was a sunny warm day and next to me was a young girl, maybe 8 or 9 years old. We each had a paper bag and inside our bags was a piece of cake. We were playing with the cake and molding it into fun shapes, like animals and flowers. I warned the little girl that we were not allowed to eat the cake (I feel like this part of the dream has to do with our restrictive diet and the fact that I had been craving cake for like, a week). I am brought out of my cake trance when I hear the nurse talking on the phone next to my hospital bed. She is clearly talking with Blue Eyes and she says, “we are going to send her home with antibiotics. Yes, she is perfectly capable of driving home on her own.” I look at the nurse and with tears running down my face I say, “but I cannot go home now. If I go home now, I will surely die as there is no one there to take care of me.”

And then I woke up.

The very same night, Blue Eyes dreamt that he and I were in my car on a cold, wet, dreary evening and we were heading to the other woman’s neighborhood. I was driving. I pulled the car up in front of her house. I went around and opened the passenger door and pulled Blue Eyes out of the car into the mud, and then pulled his suitcase out of the car and threw it at him, and drove away leaving him there. He stood there in the wet, cold sludge and thought he would rather die than go in her house and face the demon again.

And then he woke up.

Fear-Quotes-32

Fears are a funny thing. They have a way of permeating even our subconscious minds. I dare say from just these two dreams alone, it might be obvious what we are both most afraid of. We have a lot of work to do to fix what is broken, and we’re doing it. Not fixed yet though. Nope. Not by a long shot.

34 thoughts on “Dreamers

  1. I’ve been writing down the dreams that I can remember since D-day. Most of them are about my inability to trust. I think dreams are important and I have used them to help in my healing. I often share my dreams with my therapist and then we both try to analyze what my mind is trying to tell me. Your dreams seem to have very clear messages.

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    • Some of my dreams do seem to have obvious messages. That is great that you can talk about yours with your therapist. I kind of wish some of mine would go away, I feel like I could sleep better without them. Also, when I wake up, I can often remember them vividly, but sometimes they just disappear, poof, out of my mind within a few seconds of waking up. Some stay long enough to be planted in my memory. I wonder why? I wish I knew more about dreams and how I can learn from them. xxx

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      • I figure if a dream has an important message for me, then I’ll remember it in the morning. If I can’t remember the dream, then it’s no biggie. If dreams are subconscious thoughts, then I think they can give clues about things that trouble us. I hope you have sweet dreams from now on!

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  2. I had nightmares for years….waking up screaming and shaking. I will say that Loser usually just patted me on the shoulder (with the exception of the time I thought a spider was on me and decided to try to mash its body, and ended up pinching the shit out of Losers’ arm.)
    After the betrayal, I either stopped dreaming or just blocked them out of my mind like so many other things. I don’t think I trusted my dreams anymore….just like I didn’t trust anybody anymore.
    My youngest daughter told me that if you can’t remember your dreams, it means you are not in touch with your soul. I guess she’d be right.

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    • You have a lot of residual childhood trauma, so I am not surprised you had nightmares. I hope you get in touch with your soul very soon because you are worth the effort. I realize you have years of people telling you you are not worth the effort, but those people were/are crazy and mean and were playing the one up one down game. They had to put someone down in order to feel better about themselves. Sometimes we don’t even realize we are playing such a game because we trust people to treat us with kindness and respect and when they don’t, we are blindsided. I had this with my in-laws, so I know how it feels, but I wouldn’t even begin to say I understand what you have been through. You really are stronger now. You just seem to have up this impenetrable armor. I hope one day you can take it off, and feel again. Much love to you. ❤

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      • Do you ever want to just scream? I do. I have to fight it every single minute of every single day. I am so adept at acting like I’m okay and I can carry on with daily life but I can’t. I am so consumed with wanting revenge that I can hardly function in any normal capacity, except faking it….and that’s getting harder and harder. I don’t know how anybody can lose as much as I have lost and be okay….ready to “move on.” I think that post about “touch-starved” sent me back eons as far as emotionally….I’m just a mess.

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        • Yes, I do want to scream and sometimes I do, and sometimes I just cry uncontrollably. I don’t have to fight it all the time though, or even very often anymore, but again, you have been through so much and so much of what you had and knew is gone. I understand the revenge part too. The only person I have ever really wanted to “get back at” is the other woman. I have wanted something bad to happen to her and I am not proud of that. I think I do realize something bad has happened to her to make her do the things she has done, and of course she did not “win” my husband, so there is that. What a prize he is {{sarcasm}}. She had no idea what she was really fighting for because she didn’t really know him. I wanted her to feel the pain I felt, but that will never happen. No doubt she had her own pain, but it is nothing like mine. I wanted her to understand how horrifying it felt not being able to leave my house for fear that someone (she) was going to hurt me. She never felt that from me. I never did anything to disrupt her life or to scare or threaten her like she did to me. She never worried for her safety because of me or had nightmares about losing her children (she has none) or being stabbed, because of me. People say she knows the truth, deep down, but there is no way she could possibly know how she has made me feel. I have learned to control my emotions, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t cause harm. The sensible part of me knows that starving her of any of hers or my husband’s time, attention, energy, communication etc… was the only way to handle the situation, but I still want to write her letters. Tell her off. Put her in her place. I also think the meaning behind my husband’s nightmares are two-fold. I think he is scared that I am going to reject him for good. I also think he is scared out of his mind of having to see the other woman again because she represents the absolute worst parts of him, the evil, the demon. She represents his addiction.

          I am so sorry that you feel touch-starved and I wish the love and compassion we (as your blogger family) feel towards you could transcend computers and internet and cyber space and embrace you and help you feel physically embraced, not alone, and not starved. You kind of are a mess, but acknowledging where you are, and then, figuring out where you would like to go is a good start… a beginning. ❤

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          • This WTC makes sure that I know everything they’re doing…chiding me…telling me that Loser is taking her to spend time with my children for the holidays….taking her to Denmark to “meet his friends”…and I did write her a letter…telling her everything Loser said about her…”she’s kind of ugly”….she “puts out”….”she dresses tacky”….how he lied to her and sneaked off and met me…how he kept telling me he still loved me…and she didn’t care. He had already told her that I was a liar and a crazy person and she believed him. Why wouldn’t she? He’s paying her bills….her tuition….paying for a quick screw (when he can get it up) and companionship….he just can’t see that she has found her meal ticket and isn’t about to let it go. She tells him everything he wants to hear. The worst part is how he/she has successfully turned my children against me and now THEY think I’m crazy. If they’re not married already, they will be soon. As soon as she starts threatening him with leaving, he’ll be at the courthouse before you can blink. He will do anything to keep from being alone…. shacking up with a WTC is perfect for him…and her.
            I do feel the love and compassion from my blogger family. I don’t know what I would do without them. I truly think since I started blogging, it has literally saved me and I’m not sure I can ever repay. I just want revenge…I don’t care what form it takes…as long as it’s delivered. I’m just mean, I guess.

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            • You are not mean and I understand where you are coming from. Honestly, Loser and WTC (what does that stand for again?) have each other and that is what they deserve. He was never good enough for you. I don’t care how many degrees he has or colleges he attended or jobs he has had. They are awful people. I am sorry about your children, but it is a rough spot for them, feeling like they have to choose. Children don’t always choose wisely and unfortunately, it sounds like some of them have a bit too much of your husband in them. I cannot even pretend to know how painful that is, but as long as they are safe and healthy, you must let them be. If being around a woman like WTC, that helped instigate so much hate and bitterness and is a liar and a cheater and a gold digger makes them happy, they have quite a bit to learn about happiness. But I guess I would also say all you can do right now is take care of yourself and the rest will follow. Bitterness and anger are not healthy for you, and even if you don’t care about your health, deep down your children do and they can’t bear to see you angry at their father. It’s not right, their behavior, but it sounds like they lack some of the coping skills necessary to be truly empathetic. They want the party without the prep and the cleanup. Let them be for now and take care of you. Just my two cents, but I see a loving, talented lady who has been handed a really rough set of circumstances and has gone really far off the life path she was meant to have. Keep writing. Considering your dislike of reading, and your husband’s career path, it is ironic that you seem to be the talent in the family. Use it. Embrace it. xoxo ❤

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              • Isn’t that funny…..he was a lifelong newspaper man and I end up doing the writing? (he may be working on that illusive novel even as we speak) although I can’t imagine that she would allow the time he would have to spend not paying attention to her.
                What I wouldn’t give to publish a book and send it to him…not autographed but maybe just saying “to the biggest loser who ever lived.” Talk about retribution! That would be the ultimate revenge!!

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                    • Nuh uh, not going to take no for an answer. I know I am not the only person who has made this recommendation (I do read your blog and your comments). Just keep writing… it will happen.

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                    • During our entire forty year “marriage” I never wrote anything except a few emails. When I sent him his twelve page “goodbye” letter, he said “you’re a really good writer.”
                      I wouldn’t get my feelings hurt if I submitted something and it was deemed “not good enough”…God only knows, I’ve been treated like I didn’t matter all of my life…but I just don’t know how to go about even doing that. Whine……LOL

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                    • You are doing it right now with your blog about your life, but also your other stories. The seed has been planted in your brain now (by others before me) and eventually it will grow into that bigger idea. In the meantime, just keep writing the stories because I think it is helping you! You don’t have to think so much about the end product right now, just the process of writing. 🙂

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                    • I guess I’m sort of in a funk….having a pity party….Valentines’ Day is coming up and it is going to be so hard for me….reliving the ruination that Loser caused…twice. I wish I could sleep through it….and Christmas, too. UGH.

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                    • I have written about Valentine’s Day. I consider it a worthless commercial holiday. The OW orchestrated my husband taking her away to Asia on a business trip over Valentine’s Day in 2010. I figure if it meant so much to her to steal my husband away from me on that day, the day means absolutely nothing to me anymore. I say start a new tradition for yourself that is all about you. A divorced blogger friend is taking herself to NYC for Valentine’s Day and has lots of fun activities planned… for one! My husband and I will be going to a local spa hotel for two nights, but not because it is Valentine’s Day… that is pure coincidence. He has been promising me this spa day since before his surgery and this coming Monday/Tuesday is the first opportunity. Or, just sleep through it, that works too, LOL. ❤

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                    • Maybe I should send him a card…saying “oh, babe…..I didn’t do anything this year…on either end. It was just too weird. I think I’m just going to go home and drink my dinner.” And…then send him a picture of me with my arms wrapped around another man at a “Sweethearts’ Valentine Day” party in an airplane hangar! But….he’d know who sent it! LOL
                      (That’s what he said to me…and that’s what she DID to me.)

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                    • I remember… but they are crazy selfish lunatics and you, my dear, are not. Maybe make some voodoo dolls of the both of them and do evil things to them then burn them in your backyard. Or maybe make a quilt full of hearts for a baby in the neonatal care unit of your local hospital. There are so many options. 😉

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  3. Yes, it is strange how our fears show up in our dreams. Sleep is not even an escape sometimes… Maybe it’s gods way of telling us that we must face our fears.
    I am sad reading other people’s comments here. They have gone through so much pain for loving someone who did them wrong. None of us deserved this.

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    • Whether it is god, or our own subconscious higher power within, I do think it is a message to our conscious self. Indeed, none of us deserved this and even though the nightmares are painful, I do think it is an amazing phenomenon that our minds have this way of letting us know what kind of hindrance to our happiness resides deep within. At least that is how I feel about it for myself. I woke in tears and told BE my dream right away. He said he knows that I still feel like he is not really there for me and he absolutely wants to help change those feelings. I think he was also saying at the same time, just not overtly, that those are still my trauma fears and that he actually is there for me. I, however, feel like my subconscious is the warning system. He has a ways to go before I feel really safe again. ❤

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    • I hope writing about the pain will help you release it? In the wives of sex addicts support group two years ago, one of the women had been through a similar situation as you. Her husband had cheated numerous times over the years and she was aware of it. He didn’t want to leave her, he wasn’t looking for a new wife, he was just a chronic cheater (everyone thought). She was devastated, humiliated. She felt like it was her fault and she really felt bad about herself for staying. Once he was finally diagnosed as a sex addict, she was so tired and beaten down, she had no energy left to give to the relationship anymore, or even to herself. I feel a much deeper strength in you. I hope the EMDR therapy really helps attack those old experiences and feelings and brings you into the bright light of a much better place for you. My thoughts are with you and your healing. Sex addiction is such an insidious illness for which we are not in any way to blame, but we beat ourselves up anyway and want something more for our lives. I totally understand and I am listening… much love. ❤

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  4. Yep. You know my battle with the nightmares. Once I got through the initial sleeplessness due to shock, etc, I was then too scared to go to sleep because of the graphic violence I would produce. This wasn’t the only form of stress, there were kidnapping and ridicule nightmares, too. But the violent ones are the ones that still remain for me. More nights with them than without.

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    • I am aware of your nightmares, Paula and they are devastating. I so used to look forward to sleep in the most amazing way. Sleep was a place for absolute rest and rejuvenation. Not anymore. ❤

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    • I never had nightmares like this before d-day, even though I clearly worried about things, especially the kids. This betrayal based anxiety is so much worse than anything else I have experienced.

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  5. Kat…I am one of those people who don’t remember dreams. I do wake up still many nights in tears or screaming and when I have been triggered, cold sweats awaken me several times a night. I think this has something to do with my PTSD and the dissociation that I experience in an episode. I also don’t think it is actually a healthy thing. That you do remember your dreams is likely a good thing…I believe that is your brain processing all the crap…not just stuffing. That you are able to analyze your dreams in the light of day is a great tool for working through whatever issue your subconscious mind is dwelling on. You are courageous to acknowledge that is fear driven and face it head on. Good for you! *hugs*

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    • Thank you for the kind words. I hope the PTSD episodes will weaken soon for you and you will be able to live with less anxiety, pain, fear and stress. Obviously we are still working things through over here, but I do feel better with each passing month. ❤

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