Let me be clear

Blue Eyes reads this blog. Every entry, and most comments. I am always bluntly honest with my feelings, the feelings I am feeling at the time I sit down to write. Feelings change, people change (yes, they do), but I guess what I am saying is, what you read here is the real deal. This blog is my journal.

So when I write a post like my last one, and admit to being in a good place where I am now able to stroll through airports unencumbered by those feelings of being watched and followed, and I can travel to cities he visited with his affair partner and not feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach when I pass a building, or burst into tears in the middle of a restaurant, where I can actually socialize like a real person again, without feeling like I am living some kind of counterfeit life, it’s all about me. I did this. I get to take credit for my healing. Why am I making this point? you might ask. Well, last night Blue Eyes read and liked my entry. He then told me he read and liked my entry. He seemed quite happy with himself. I know he is glad for me, but I also believe he is happy for himself. The thing is though, my happiness, and my healing have little to do with him. He is far from healed and far from recovered. I was always on my own journey.

Right now I am being lazy. I am writing out my feelings here in lieu of having this conversation with Blue Eyes. He’ll read this. I know he will. I don’t want him to feel bad, but I want him to understand where I am coming from. He doesn’t get to take credit for my happiness just like he never should have felt shameful for my pain. He always needed to take responsibility for his actions and how they affected himself and others. That’s it. That’s his part in this. Partner betrayal is agonizing. Being lied to, and gaslighted, and manipulated, is devastating and life altering. Our symptoms are genuine. It’s astonishing how similar the manifestations of the betrayal on our minds and our bodies. All we have to do is read a few WordPress blogs to know we are not alone. This is real, folks!

Some people can tamp down their feelings, attempt a quick exit, move out and away from the painful relationship. But just separating ourselves from our betrayer doesn’t necessarily heal the pain. Some people would have us deny our feelings and trivialize our trauma. But betrayal induced PTSD isn’t fiction. It’s not made up. It can be devastating. Stay or go, we all make our way through a healing process. When I first started blogging, I read a blog written by a betrayed wife. She hadn’t written in a while, but I was playing catch up and her story seemed so real and current to me, especially in my own trauma. Then one day, the husband wrote one final entry on behalf of his wife. She had committed suicide. He was devastated. He completely blamed himself. I stared at the screen for what seemed like an eternity. This shit is real. I knew right then that I had choices to make about my own health and happiness. Our emotional health is a culmination of everything that happens to us and how we deal with it. It’s not just one event that leaves us devastated. It’s not just one lie, or one affair, or even one person.

I guess I wanted Blue Eyes to know…. he is very important to me. He is a piece of my happiness. If I really sit down and think about it, I love him more than any other person in my life, but my loyalty will always be to myself. That’s how life works. People come and go. I guess I have to admit, love comes and goes? We don’t have a limited capacity to love, but we do love people in different ways. When the trauma therapist asked me early on, very pointedly, whether I loved myself I think I was taken aback mostly because I had never thought about my feelings towards myself in relation to love. Love was something I bestowed on others. Being kind and loving and generous to others is important to me. It makes me feel whole. I have learned that what I send out into the Universe does not always come back to me, and I have to be okay with that.

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12 thoughts on “Let me be clear

  1. I too am a caregiver. Have been all my life. It really hurts that all the things I did for my OH went unnoticed or were taken for granted, yet a few words of empty praise from the OW were clung to as “a melding of minds” by him.

    It really galls me now to praise him for anything after all the hurt, but I do it, because “Words of Affirmation” is overwhelmingly his Love Language. She gave him the validation he craved, whereas I only gave him security, safety, trusting love…and my fragile heart to smash to pulp!

    When I did the Love Language test, it came back that I am fairly equally weighted in about 4 of them. I like to think that makes me a more rounded person, but what do I know? *LOL*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Falling Ash. I did the Love Language test a while back, of course after the betrayal and not before, and my results were pretty equal with quality time, physical touch, and acts of service garnering most of the weight. Words and gifts scored very low. I am a pretty self sufficient person, or at least I thought I was. My husband has not done the test, but I know how his results would turn out. I have always innately known what our love languages are. I’m not sure anything would register on his results other than physical touch and words of affirmation. Those are the things he did not receive as a child and those are the things he seeks on a daily basis. He has trouble providing himself with understanding and affirmation. I get this and I always got it. I honestly thought he would mature and that he would grow into a healthier adult than the 20 year old I met. I had no idea he was so mentally affected by his childhood or that he is an addict. I wanted his time, his help in the partnership (especially parenting), and his touch. Before discovery, I realize pretty obviously now (hindsight being what it is), that I wasn’t getting any of those in the quantities I needed, and no matter how much touch, affection and affirmation I bestowed on him, it would never be enough because his needs were always driven by his own emptiness and disgust for himself. I also admit that I held back because I thought it would help him mature and be more self sufficient in those areas. I was wrong. Still no excuse for his behavior, but I can do better.

      I hope you are now getting the love you deserve from your husband. I hope he has figured out the reasons why he sought another woman. I hope he truly cares about your love languages as much as you care about his. Somehow I have missed reading your blog. I’ll go check it out. xo

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  2. Thanks for another wonderful article. I love this quote in the comments, “I think we can still love someone, maybe in a different way than before, but if the relationship is not lifting us up to a better place, things must change.” That pretty much sums up where I am at this point.”

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    • I wish you much strength in finding that tranquil space. One of the epiphanies, for me, in all this was that I needed someone who could be there for me as much as I was there for him. I spent so much of my life being a caretaker. Now I know, I can be strong for myself, but if I am going to be in a partnership, that person needs to lift me up, not drag me down. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    • Absolutely! I think we can still love someone, maybe in a different way than before, but if the relationship is not lifting us up to a better place, things must change. We need to understand ourselves enough to know when we must walk away. We also have choices. We can acknowledge that a relationship isn’t everything we thought it would be, but it is something else, and that something else is good. When I was young, I never thought about getting married. It wasn’t something I sought at 20 years old. Falling in love just happened. When I got married I never thought about betrayal. I knew myself well enough to know that I would hurt knowing I was hurting someone else, so I would not do it. I had no idea who Blue Eyes really was. Now I know. I accept him for who he is now, but I will always have choices about my own life and my own happiness, because I do, in fact, love myself! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    • It’s true Cynthia. If love is the word we attach to how we behave towards ourselves and whether or not we lead a life of honor and dignity, then love it is! In another context… The Golden Rule. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” At least that’s how I remember it and it has always been extremely important to me. ❤

      Liked by 4 people

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