Blue Eyes reads this blog. Every entry, and most comments. I am always bluntly honest with my feelings, the feelings I am feeling at the time I sit down to write. Feelings change, people change (yes, they do), but I guess what I am saying is, what you read here is the real deal. This blog is my journal.
So when I write a post like my last one, and admit to being in a good place where I am now able to stroll through airports unencumbered by those feelings of being watched and followed, and I can travel to cities he visited with his affair partner and not feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach when I pass a building, or burst into tears in the middle of a restaurant, where I can actually socialize like a real person again, without feeling like I am living some kind of counterfeit life, it’s all about me. I did this. I get to take credit for my healing. Why am I making this point? you might ask. Well, last night Blue Eyes read and liked my entry. He then told me he read and liked my entry. He seemed quite happy with himself. I know he is glad for me, but I also believe he is happy for himself. The thing is though, my happiness, and my healing have little to do with him. He is far from healed and far from recovered. I was always on my own journey.
Right now I am being lazy. I am writing out my feelings here in lieu of having this conversation with Blue Eyes. He’ll read this. I know he will. I don’t want him to feel bad, but I want him to understand where I am coming from. He doesn’t get to take credit for my happiness just like he never should have felt shameful for my pain. He always needed to take responsibility for his actions and how they affected himself and others. That’s it. That’s his part in this. Partner betrayal is agonizing. Being lied to, and gaslighted, and manipulated, is devastating and life altering. Our symptoms are genuine. It’s astonishing how similar the manifestations of the betrayal on our minds and our bodies. All we have to do is read a few WordPress blogs to know we are not alone. This is real, folks!
Some people can tamp down their feelings, attempt a quick exit, move out and away from the painful relationship. But just separating ourselves from our betrayer doesn’t necessarily heal the pain. Some people would have us deny our feelings and trivialize our trauma. But betrayal induced PTSD isn’t fiction. It’s not made up. It can be devastating. Stay or go, we all make our way through a healing process. When I first started blogging, I read a blog written by a betrayed wife. She hadn’t written in a while, but I was playing catch up and her story seemed so real and current to me, especially in my own trauma. Then one day, the husband wrote one final entry on behalf of his wife. She had committed suicide. He was devastated. He completely blamed himself. I stared at the screen for what seemed like an eternity. This shit is real. I knew right then that I had choices to make about my own health and happiness. Our emotional health is a culmination of everything that happens to us and how we deal with it. It’s not just one event that leaves us devastated. It’s not just one lie, or one affair, or even one person.
I guess I wanted Blue Eyes to know…. he is very important to me. He is a piece of my happiness. If I really sit down and think about it, I love him more than any other person in my life, but my loyalty will always be to myself. That’s how life works. People come and go. I guess I have to admit, love comes and goes? We don’t have a limited capacity to love, but we do love people in different ways. When the trauma therapist asked me early on, very pointedly, whether I loved myself I think I was taken aback mostly because I had never thought about my feelings towards myself in relation to love. Love was something I bestowed on others. Being kind and loving and generous to others is important to me. It makes me feel whole. I have learned that what I send out into the Universe does not always come back to me, and I have to be okay with that.