This is bullshit

Dreaming of Beach House Sunsets

Full disclosure. I wrote this title and the first few sentences below, but I don’t remember doing it. I sat down to write a post today, and here was this. I was going to write about something different, but after reading blackacre’s Post + comments, here I am.

Blue Eyes is very aware of my blog, he’s a subscriber. Sometimes I actually think he is scared to read my posts because he thinks I’m going to divulge something crucial that he doesn’t know, like I’m leaving him, or something. Ridiculous. If I was going to leave he would know, and then I would. I would walk right out the door and head to the fanciest hotel in town, and write about it later. I would blog after I arrived to my suite and ordered a lavish room service dinner, maybe I’d draw a hot bath, lol! The next day I would start shopping for a lovely penthouse condo, with a fabulous view! 😜

I am really tired of the addict driven poor me attitude. I bend over backwards to support my husband but when I’m struggling he brings out the “you’re planning to leave me” garbage. I find this a destructive and cowardly tactic. Prior to discovery of his secret life, I gave and gave and gave and asked for very little in return. That was my big fat mistake. Things are different now. Now I basically ask for common decency, for him to take responsibility for his half of our relationship. Imagine that. Imagine his shock and consternation at having to take care of himself and think of someone else, AT THE SAME TIME! 🤯

I should be able to continue to voice my concerns without him shutting me down by changing the subject and getting all freaked out. He should want to openly voice his opinions and concerns without running and hiding. Isn’t that pretty critical for a successful relationship? I think it is.

Sure he wants it all to go away. I want it all to have never happened. Neither of us is going to get what we want under the circumstances. I’m starting to sound like a broken record for the number of times per month I suggest he get his own living space. I actually like my houses and he can go find a place where he doesn’t have to answer to anyone. Some days I can’t take the level of self absorption and deflection. Addiction is a selfish disease.

I very much feel like Blue Eyes is keeping score. But he seems to only account for the positive things he has done. His tally sheet only contains one column and it’s for him, his good deeds, things he should receive “treats” for. And if he doesn’t receive those treats (acknowledgment, thank you’s, sex, whatever) well in his mind then, he just can’t win, no matter what he does. Bring on the pouting, anger, ungroundedness, distance, silence, disdain, whatever the negative emotion flavor of the day.

In a healthy relationship there is no scorecard. This isn’t a game. And if our relationship was a game, a game about making good, selfless decisions, about keeping vows, being kind and loving, compassionate and forgiving, compromising while maintaining inner strength, well, I guess we know who wins that game. But again, not a game. This is real and my feelings can’t be tucked away in a box with some cards and dice, and a W in the column of my non-existent scorecard.

46 thoughts on “This is bullshit

  1. “You’re planning to leave me” = attempt to manipulate you.

    I wonder if the abandonment issues in these guys ever *can* be resolved. I feel badly for them, but I’m not going to sacrifice myself.

    My husband has been dealing with some MAJOR paperwork detailing his suicide attempt, on-going therapy, recovery, etc. He has *had* to pour over it all in preparation for a hearing. He got really pissy one day (toward me). I knew exactly what it was about. He was triggered, badly, about his choices and how his career was trashed due to not taking care of himself. I confronted it straight up and told him i won’t tolerate him projecting his shit and pain onto me; that’s why he has a therapist!!!

    Now BOTH of OUR lives are out in the open as he cleans up his messes. Things are looking up for him, so I’m happy for him in that regard. I was stunned to see what was in his medical / psych records about our marriage. This is now in the hands of 3 different states. After another month (his hearing) – I will need some closure on this and I will be making valid complaints to a Bar Association, a Medical Board, and an Attorney General. It will take up some of my time, but these “professionals” should be called out on THEIR actions. I’m no longer staying silent regarding human rights and abuse of people with mental illness.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t begin to understand all you two have been through, beleeme, but it sounds like you are ready to fight for what is right. We have to. I feel like sitting in isolation and letting the world define who and what we are, or what our husbands are or have done, doesn’t do anyone any good. It’s been a while since I’ve seen someone make fun of sex addiction, but I know it still happens. Unfortunately it is far from a joke. Addiction is driven by deeper issues, it doesn’t matter if the drug is alcohol, heroin, gambling, shopping, eating, or sex–it can all be destructive to the addict and everyone around them. Wishing you both strength on your continuing journey. xo

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes, Kat. It’s not a joke. Any addiction or compulsion or whatever-we-call-it is caused by severe pain in that individual.

        What really gets to me is how my husband was treated by one state medical board (and the attorney for that board) while he was an inpatient for psych (suicidal ideation). My husband never had any of his behaviors cross over into his career. Ever. Glowing letters from his 3 previous employers. He never had any complaints to the Medical Board. My husband became very, very ill with Major Depression shortly after he resigned a position in preparation for an out-of-state move (where he had another, less stressful, job already lined up – contract signed).

        The bottom line is that he became very ill, sought treatment, self-reported, as req’d, to the state’s medical board, and frankly, the board’s attorney questioned him and threatened him (and his medical license) while he was very unstable in a locked psych unit. WTF!?! It’s just wrong on so many levels. It’s a very long story, but I’m going to expose it, and my husband approves and will join me in the complaints.

        It will help me with closure. It *may* also help some of these “untouchable entities” start to think about how they treat ill physicians who’ve not harmed any patients. This is why physicians don’t seek help for mental health – they can and do lose their license if thy report any type of mental health issue – even anxiety or depression, which can be treated, especially if they seek treatment early. My husband didn’t seek treatment when he should have (he admits that), and he only wanted to harm himself to end his suffering.

        In our current state (NY), my husband wouldn’t have been treated like a criminal for getting sick, calling 911 and being admitted to a hospital. In our previous state, docs were punished legally for developing depression, anxiety, etc. It’s a human rights issue. Some docs are starting to keep stats on doc suicides, and they are starting to stand up for themselves. Fortunately, I was able to stop his suicide attempt, but he could have been another statistic.

        Like

        • That’s so horribly unfair, beleeme. Not sure what the situation is for doctors here in Oregon, but for attorneys the Oregon Bar has great free programs for depression, addiction, etc… I realize it’s a different industry, stressful but not the same kind of stress, but it should all be about human compassion and kindness. I can’t believe he was questioned by an attorney inside a psych ward. Did they think he was going to try to practice medicine inside the psych ward? It couldn’t wait until he was treated and released. So sad that our world has come to this. So much judgment and criticism for mental illness, still.

          Good for you for doing what’s right and exposing the system for its flaws! Also, so glad you were able to get to him in time. xoxo

          Liked by 1 person

          • One doc leading the human rights cause for humane treatment of docs is… from… Oregon! She’s speaking all over the country. She works for herself now, advocates for physician health, and she offers up her free time as a suicide hotline for docs. Dr. Wible MD I follow her stuff.

            Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Vacation Mulligan – Betrayedwife.net

  3. Is it fear of you leaving or him manipulating the situation (even if its subconscious)? The reason doesn’t really matter, I suppose. Just something I wondered.
    Navigating life with an addict sounds exhausting and draining and that it could easily consume you as well if you aren’t careful. You seem to have set some healthy boundaries for yourself.
    Hope he is able to grow to a point that he no longer uses this behavior.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I think it is a bit of both, H2H. He has lived in fear his whole life, especially fear of abandonment. He has also deflected as a coping mechanism. Rationalization (versus confronting his own reality) was a way of life. Breaking all those bad habits and gaining inner strength is gonna take a lifetime. I get it. I’m just tired of it all on some days. I do have boundaries and resources, but it is frustrating. I’m sure he doesn’t want to cause me pain and frustration, but I am there through good and bad, so sometimes he does. xo

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m not sure whether my husband keeps score, but I do know that the pouting, self-absorbed act is his go-to response whenever I dare express that my feelings are anything less than sunshine and unicorns. I’m tired of it too. He caused this. My response is neither unexpected or unusual. In fact, it’s entirely predictable. If he didn’t care to deal with the fallout of his actions then (i) he should have gotten treatment or left the marriage when his addiction reared its head during the marriage and/ or (ii) he shouldn’t have gotten caught. Neither of those things happened so… yep… he’s got to deal with the consequences of his actions. I’ve developed a thick skin and a deaf ear to most of the pouting, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t still infuriating. That behavior isn’t tolerated from our kids so I’m unclear why he thinks it’s okay from him. It’s not just unattractive and unappealing, it’s pathetically immature.

    I am sorry you are dealing with this too.
    xo

    Liked by 6 people

    • Pretty sure he doesn’t have a literal score card, but it feels like it sometimes. Honestly, they do act like children. It is annoying. Grown men who are so accomplished in many aspects of their life turn into brooding, angry, sulking little boys when confronted with the reality of their misconduct. It seems they never learned about consequences. xo

      Liked by 3 people

  5. I have been reading your posts for some time. Quite honestly I am amazed that you stay. But at the same time I am amazed that I stayed as long as I did… I am sorry your addict is not able to show empathy towards you and your feelings, that he brings it back to being about him, how is it going to affect his life. I get angry for wives who have been loyal, faithful wives and get this treatment. I would like to go on tour around the world with a really large skillet and just hit many, many men upside the head! 🤕 But in all seriousness I hope he some day soon “gets it” and is able to let you express yourself without making it all about him.
    I started to blog about my own experiences, and hope to get back to it soon, but because of legal issues I paused. I may or may not have to testify against my ex husband, and thought until a resolution is reached I should keep my silence. Best of wishes and I will continue to follow your journey.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hi Luci! I think you are smart for holding off on the blogging. I have definitely known wives whose blogs have worked against them in divorce court. Hopefully you will blog when that nastiness is behind you.

      If all you have is my blog, then I can certainly see why it seems crazy that I stay, and frankly it is emotionally draining, exhausting really, living with a recovering addict. It sounds like you have done that, so you know. Deciding to stay isn’t stagnant, it’s a fluid concept, re-evaluated often, but far less often in year 6, than in say, year 3. A good portion of the time my husband is the same man I fell in love with, totally fallible, but more whole, less broken. When he is struggling, stressed, tired, etc… he loses it and now he doesn’t have his addiction to fall back on, so the “poor me” child emerges. Usually his resources (12 step, therapy, mindfulness) carry him through, but sometimes they don’t and there I am. Call me a masochist, but I love him more than I don’t and I know he’s trying. At this point he definitely shows empathy towards me, but he fails sometimes to get out of his own head. We both get up and try again, much less battered and bruised now than previous years. Progress. xo

      Liked by 3 people

      • I am divorced already. The court I spoke of is Federal court, he was downloading some really vile stuff. Yes it was child pornography, it was hard for me to come to terms with that. We are not talking almost of age, but very young children. I used to be ashamed of that. But I now speak very freely, because someone else might be in my shoes. I was embarrassed, mortified anyone would find out. Afraid they would blame me, because I wasn’t a good enough wife, you know the drill. I very seriously contemplated just ending my life. I am glad I got myself help, and I want any other woman out there who feels the way I felt, that there can be joy and peace again, hold your head up high, and hold on! He is facing many years in prison. He is being offered a plea deal, but he is arrogant and may think he can beat it, so it may go to trial. If it does, I will be called to testify. After the first D-Day I stayed for six years. But he was not interested in recovery. I never got any empathy from him. But I got better. I am enjoying my life now! I was afraid I would be lonely alone, I was lonelier when I was married, crazy…

        Liked by 3 people

        • Your journey sounds heartbreaking. I can only imagine all the emotions. For sure some sex addicts are also offenders. If your ex has no remorse and doesn’t want to get help, then surely he is toxic. I am so happy for you that you have taken your life back. His demons are his own.

          My story is different and my husband has been in treatment and 12 step for five solid years. The thing is though, and the reason I continue to write on this blog, addiction doesn’t just go away… it’s there forever. Some can manage it, but it’s not easy. Being the partner of an addict likewise (as you know) can be its own kind of hell. There are many reasons why I stay, but fear of loneliness isn’t one of them. I definitely couldn’t say that in year 1. Now, I cherish my alone time and would be fine. I go away for part of the year to center myself, be healthier, focus just on me. Last year it was 12 weeks. We also have 2 houses. I could easily leave any day. I know there are a lot of women that can’t say that, for many reasons. Thank you so much for commenting and giving hope to women who may be in the same dire predicament you were in.

          Liked by 3 people

        • Lucy – I am so happy for you in regaining your health. I’m sorry you wanted to take your life. That’s such a low place to be. My husband almost ended his life right in front of my eyes, and I still have PTSD from what I saw and felt. I’m glad you are doing better – you were true to yourself – if a man is not interested in recovery or dealing with his “stuff” then the only thing we can do is save ourselves.

          My husband is working on recovery and though it has gone slower than I’d like due to his major depression, I see progress and he’s been sexually sober. He’s finally gaining some good traction (especially w/ empathy) b/c he is working with a therapist certified in APSATS and she is a CSAT. We also have an Emotionally-Focused marital therapist who has worked in the SA field for over 20 years. She has been so helpful to both of us and our coupleship.

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh wow. Sometimes your world just hits me right in the feels. I have been sad. I have been feeling a lot of poor me lately, like maybe life would have been easier if I hadn’t chosen to leave. But this shows me such a real view. The work never stops. You aren’t free of the weight even when husband works very hard, he is, at the heart, having to work hard at what comes naturally to a lot of people. And that means it’s not easy. Nothing is ever easy. I’m poor. And jobless, and anxious as fuck and lonely in a way I thought I never would need to be when I got married. My friends are 30-45 minutes away in every direction, if not 4 hour plane rides. I definitely think … I still have it easier, because I am not repairing two people together. I’m just working on repairing me, and trying to get me afloat again.

    I’m happy you guys choose to repair together, because there is obvious genuine love. Do you have like… an emotional safeword with him, when you don’t want to delve into how you need to reinforce and remind and love and live for his addict needs- when you need to say ‘I’m tapping out, because I’ve already reinforced you and I’m still here and I’m not feeding the bubble gum machine again.’

    My friend who has terrible OCD and anxiety actually uses me as an external brake. She knows her OCD personality is a voice that whispers in her ear and makes her think the craziest things will occur. I very early on in our friendship would say ‘that’s not a thing’ about things when she would say it out loud. I have never lied about her penchants, I only say it when it’s really true. She didn’t leave the stove on. That’s not a thing. She didn’t leave her drink at our table while in the bathroom and now it’s poisoned. That’s not a thing. She didn’t have perfectly safe sex with a few low risk people over the summer and somehow got every std even though her test came back negative. That’s not a thing. She now uses that verbal cue that she trusts to stop her brain. When I say that’s not a thing, she puts it away. She can call me anytime and I will listen and tell her that’s not a thing and prevent panic. It’s not perfect but her panic is way worse, so I will do this for her. And it works. And she has started to talk herself through it. It’s not a thing. She can trust it. This is not entirely similar to what I’m suggesting but reality is this: this isn’t your work to do. It’s his. And he’s never going to feel totally safe until he starts learning to trust it. And that won’t happen until you have a quick and dirty way to shut down the thought process without making it a big discussion.

    Sometimes my friend kelly or her siblings is being a bratty and rude or mean or acerbic with her mom. Her mom when she’s at her wits end will say ‘your {Kennedy} is showing’ – her kids last name. Where their dad has massive mental health struggles he doesn’t deal with, his siblings are all narcissistic and self serving, rude. She has worked to endure the imparted mental health issues of a cheating deserting bi polar ex, and the genetic bomb they planted in her kids. They do therapy. They are medicated for depression or handle whatever else in their own way. She worked hard on it as they grew. Once they were teens, she started expecting them to self manage enough that saying that ‘your {Kennedy} is showing’ as a ‘you’re on thin ice. you better fucking check yourself because you don’t want to hear my opinion on how ridiculous you are acting. I love you and you love me and I expect you to be cognisant that you don’t treat people like that without me pointing to the rules like you’re a child’
    Making it a code kindof means they don’t have to hear the whole spiel. And mean she doesn’t have to cater it to every situation. It’s like a release code from a hypnosis.
    And maybe a bit cheaper than another house he can go to when he’s gone full peacock and needs to realise he should actually be ottering

    Liked by 3 people

    • You are a good friend, CR. It sounds like your OCD friend is lucky to have you.

      I can tell you what I did two nights ago when BE freaked out and yelled at me, “I just can’t do EVERYTHING by myself,” which was a really weird and unnecessary response as all I had asked him to do was sign one work document (he’s an attorney). I told him I didn’t want him with me and I drove to the beach house by myself. I slept in that luxurious king size bed all by myself and then went to a hair color appointment the next morning… and I went blonde, well, blonde for me.

      I don’t baby him or stick around to see what comes next. I’m just sad that scapegoating me for his shitty feelings seems to be one of the most difficult bad habits for him to tackle. Before dday he just medicated. Now his emotions are out and raw and he doesn’t have great coping skills. On the other hand, he’s an accomplished businessman, lawyer, CEO, etc… but a lot of that happened on the back of his addiction, and now on my back, it seems.

      There is a lot of genuine love between us, 35 years of it, 3 pets, 2 kids, 2 houses, a business and a whole lot of shared memories and experiences. I choose to stay, but on some days, it blows! xo

      Liked by 6 people

        • I think my biggest issue is when he’s struggling and not coping well, he tends to act like a belligerent child with me. And yet, when he had his addiction, he became a sex crazed lunatic (not with me of course, it had to be other women or porn). Isn’t there some happy medium???

          I hope you are having a good day, CR ❤️

          Liked by 3 people

  7. Did you watch that program called “Dirty John?” I did and something really resonated with me. It was something about the narcissist “reversing the roll,” when they have been more or less called in the carpet. They’re always the predator…then suddenly, they’re the prey. Does that make sense?
    Sounds to me like you need a trip and some “girl time.” LOL

    Liked by 3 people

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