The question with answers that don’t make sense to someone who would never betray their partner. To someone who isn’t an addict and doesn’t have the need to fill such deep, destructive holes, nothing really makes sense.
Blue Eyes did a pretty good job of reflecting on the question that has been asked by me so many times… not so much why did you do it, but why that awful woman, and why so many times with that awful woman. If you’re going to cheat, put EVERYTHING on the line, why not upgrade to something that is at least decent looking? Someone who isn’t violent. Why an alcoholic, hoarding, violent, mentally ill older woman? What a sick game. UGH.
Anyway, I will always get it, and never get it, all at the same time.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
Maybe a lack of feeling of self worth? Maybe a self imposed penance? Maybe because she was the only one that responded to the ad. She wasn’t special, but I bet she thought she was.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, totally, A. All of the above.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think, at least in my case, that you may struggle to understand “why” because you are looking for an answer that makes sense or is logical. For some of us, we have to create an alternate reality to make our arguments to ourselves logical and convincing that what we are doing is okay. In the middle of the affair everything seems to make sense because we are operating in a separate reality. It isn’t until it all comes crashing down around us that we see how stupid and selfish our decisions were. Then it is hard to explain how we didn’t think logically about what we were doing. When reality shifts nothing makes sense.
I am not making an excuse for my decisions, I own those, but I am just trying to convey how hard it is to explain our decisions in a rational way. Nothing I did was rational when looking back, but seemed so at the time.
LikeLike
bac4sccr, thanks for your comment. That is basically what my husband has said over and over. “You are looking for a rational explanation for something that was not rational. I was not rational. I was mentally ill. Nothing I did was rational. Nothing.” He owns it all but that still doesn’t make it easier for me. Now that he does not live in his head in his fantasy sex world, he says it is hard for him to even talk about it. He can’t believe he went so far down that rabbit hole either. The wreckage in my heart and my 40 year marriage is permanent yet life goes on.
LikeLike
Hey, bac4sccr, thanks for commenting. I have heard so many reasons why someone cheats on their spouse. In the rationalization of the moment, it seems logical, to the cheaters. My dilemma is with my then undiagnosed addict husband who pretended to be a sane, rational, upstanding father and husband for decades (and in some respects, he was). I honestly cannot imagine the stress involved in keeping those secrets for so long. The “why” for addicts is potentially even more complicated (and non-sensical) than it is for someone who has an affair. For me, in that moment (last week), it was not so much why, but why HER? Again, no good answer other than what others have re-iterated here (and which my rational mind knows), that he chose the lowest hanging fruit. Someone he didn’t care about and that was easily manipulated. It wasn’t about the relationship, it was about the drug. I know he knew what he was doing was “wrong” and there literally was no rationalizing it, but he kept doing it anyway, no matter the potential and eventual consequence. Because he’s a flippin’ addict. His behavior was similar to an affair, but different, and no matter how astonished I am by the woman (women) he had sex with, it is what it is. In the end, it will always be about the lying, and lying is super easy to rationalize.
LikeLike
Kat, yes, how was it possible for my husband to appear “normal”for decades while living a double life? Partly it was because he traveled regularly for work which allowed him the freedom to hone his skills. Back in the day we had no cell phones and the time difference was oppressive, especially when I was working and raising young children. I was exhausted in the evening after everyone went to bed and I just wanted my sleep. Never did I suspect he was going to strip joints, etc. Never. I never checked his hotel bills for additional porn channels. Not once. He vocally abhorred men who cheated and he knew very well how I felt about it. Never did I suspect he could compartmentalize his fantasy sex life and hone his skills over the years as the internet came to be and his freedom expanded to CL and online adult shopping. All those little “rag” papers with backpage adds for sex made it so easy for him to access his poison. He lied to himself, he lied to me and he forever changed how I look at him. We may be together and we may be doing “fine” but I will never be caught off guard again and get crushed like that again. If he “acts out” (God I still hate that he uses that phrase because toddler act out and grown men lie and cheat) again he is gone and we are done. Case closed, door shut, good riddance. Even typing this sounds so cruel and heartless but I’m just not going to go through any of this again. I am just too old for this. He is making good use of his precious second chance and it shows daily. Good thing too.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Traveling did make it easier on my husband as well, although I’m sure it was still incredibly stressful, all those secrets and lies and filthy, shame filled nights, blech. He also still did plenty of acting out when he was in town too. He also set the precedent for not much contact with me while he was away. There were times, however, more recent, where phone calls and Skype and email were all a thing, but I am not actually the kind of woman/wife who required him to check in. I actually liked the schedule I was allowed with just the children and he did travel a lot. But, there were times when I needed him to call, and because of his set patterns within his addiction, he didn’t. It was cruel and I saw it for that at the time, but just didn’t understand. The time difference and the “I was SO busy” excuses sort of worked, but were still hurtful. Now that I know the truth, well, it was very very cruel. Also, once he didn’t have his dirty secret to fill the void, he would obsessively call/skype/whatever while traveling and frankly, it was not endearing. It seemed/seems desperately needy. I don’t like to feel like I am filling the void that has gone missing because he doesn’t have some free whore in his bed.
I know what you mean about the not going to go through it again. They obliterated our idea of what our life was, what our marriage was. The innocence is gone and with it, our patience for third and fourth chances. Nothing will wipe away what we now know about what they are capable of. xo
LikeLike
Amen
LikeLiked by 1 person
There is definitely a difference between what I went through (am going through) and what you are going through in dealing with an addict. The motives and approach is so different that my experiences would be hard to relate to him.
I can say that my wife had similar thoughts to why her. I don’t think I ever had a good answer and still don’t because I am not sure why her either… not that that really helps you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha, yeah, the affair cloud must be pretty thick sometimes. Honestly, I get that relationships are not all about looks, or hot sex, or whatever, but more about how someone makes us feel. On the other hand, you have my addict husband who admits that his acting out partner was a mentally ill abusive blackmailing alcoholic who constantly threatened him and actually physically assaulted him, but she had the right body parts. So yep, he chose someone who made him feel even worse about himself, but, if he ever ran into someone he knew, they would never believe he was “with” that woman, so WIN. ???
LikeLike
That is an interesting description and one difficult to comprehend. Why, if she made him feel worse about himself? But I guess that would be the nature of addiction.
I feel worse about myself but not because of her (granted she was crazy) but because of what I became and what I did. I still feel next to worthless but that is my cross to bear.
LikeLike
At a point, I would guess, you will need to move on from the feelings of worthlessness. We have but one life and all. I know with my husband I don’t at all want him to continue carrying shame and bad feelings about himself. I want him to step up and enjoy life, with me.
LikeLike
I wish it were possible. I just don’t see it happening. I wish you and your husband the best.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Same to you!
LikeLike
My husband is not a SA. He chose his AP because she was “the only one that would talk to him”. Broken people find broken people. Hard to wrap your head around when you aren’t broken. I am away for work right now and had the thought of how easy it would be for me to cheat right now. But that’s not who I am. So I still struggle with the actually going through with it part. Our relationship sucked so I get the appeal of something new. But actually going through with it and living the lie for almost 2 years? That part I will never be able to figure out.
LikeLiked by 1 person
We’re not like them H2H. It truly is difficult to understand something we would never ever do. Someone posted a quote to Facebook today, something like, “Love is kind. If it’s not kind, it’s not love.” Some people have no idea what love is. Sometimes I still believe this of my husband. ❤️
LikeLike
My SA husband sought out those who were – in his mind – obviously lesser than him. He was raised by racist parents so to him he thought he was superior to his stripper/whore/escort choices. Picked specifically by his racist mind as inferior to him. Rather like setting up a race with someone you know has no chance of winning. Pathetic when healthy people review it. Blue eyes chose same race but someone whose life circumstance was well beneath his. Not much different than my SAWH. For me this actually added to diminished respect for him. At least make it an even competition (not with me, I am definitely way above, as are you) but with your selection of AP’s. Don’t specifically pick beneath you knowing you will win.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, same here, but with non-paid partners. The first two were not same race. The third was white, but a HUGE step down, and yet when I asked him very early on, at least this is what he told her, pretty eyes, raspy voice (years of smoking and drinking), (horrible dyed) reddish hair reminiscent of his mother, and yoga thighs. DAMN, I wish I had it in me to post a photo. He was clearly temporarily insane. Ick. Yep, pick a sure thing no matter how out of theoretical character because no one will ever know, and plausible denial. What a sick game.
LikeLike
I very much understand your thoughts. To a non-addict, if you’re going to put your entire life on the line (both literally -your health- and your family, home, job, etc.) why wouldn’t you make it worth your while? Why not trade up? Punch way above your weight? I’ve concluded that even in their addicted state the addicts realize that those women are unattainable because they’d see the walking disaster coming a mile away. Yes, they might get lucky with a decent enough looking escort or sugar baby or massage parlor slave, but take the money/coercion out of the equation and those women wouldn’t give them the time of day. So then they make-do and delude themselves that the broken bottom feeders they latch onto are awesome.
I’m still haunted by my then deluded husband trying to convince me that his illiterate, high school drop out, greasy haired whore was someone I’d like if I’d just get to know her. And then there’s the other one he claimed I have “a lot in common with.” 🤦🏼♀️🤬🤬
Why indeed?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh my, they are quite delusional aren’t they? It’s a downright creepy situation. I also think there are decent women who are or could be duped, but it’s quite risky. They will and do want and ask too much. The more broken and needy, the easier they are to manipulate. 🤢Our SAs aren’t actually thinking about how destructive their behavior is to us, their spouses and families, until they’re out of the cycle and then of course, they’ve gotten away with it and will NEVER do it again… the absolute addict mantra. 😔
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think it’s because decent looking, well-adjusted, non-addict, healthy women usually can see a sex/porn addict for what they are. When I was engaged in trying to get women to bend to my will online back in 2013, I looked for the those types the way a hunter looks for a deer with a limp. It was less about the quality of the trophy instead of the simple fact that I got one. I hated writing that sentence. God bless recovery.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thanks, Joshua, for your honest reply. It’s so mind boggling to me, the whole process. My husband’s first acting out partner was actually quite attractive, but oh so broken. Also cheating on her spouse. She wanted out of her marriage and I think when my husband realized she could cause some trouble, she wanted more (they all do) he dumped her real quick. He sort of dumbed it down from there. Women he had no qualms using over and over. He groomed some women who were better matches for him (so weird I’m even thinking about this this much at this point) but they were just ego hits, I think. The dangers were too high to actually consummate, so he flirted obsessively. I saw it with my own eyes just never realized it was destructive, because, you know, he likes women. After diagnosis, he still flirted for a while, even in front of me, he didn’t even realize it. Once I realized it was grooming and not just innocent smiling, I started looking at the women, older, lonely looking, very overweight, sad… deer with limps as you say. This has been quite a journey. Thanks again.
LikeLiked by 1 person
SA rarely have the honest answer to that question. They don’t really know. On my husband’s last visit to a brothel in Hawaii, he paid his money and the madam lined up the girls so he could choose. Sick but that’s the way it goes for whore mongers. I asked him how he chose the little girl he chose. (my words and feelings about what he did) and his response, “She looked friendly.” WTF? In his overweight old man body all he could think of was choosing someone who “looked friendly?” I’m sure her little heart sunk when she saw who she had to fuck. Sick fuckers, each and every one of them. Anyway, this was the whore he thought gave him AIDS because she got to his little cock before the condom came out. Scared him straight. Good thing. Ugh, just no more words to you.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’m sorry Marie. I still look at my husband, usually when he’s not aware, and wonder what went through his head. They are sick, sick indeed. It’s one of the reasons I get so agitated when people “make fun” of what they think is sex addiction. It’s so far beyond simple marital affairs it’s simply not funny at all. 💔
LikeLike
I do the same Kat. I look at him when he isn’t watching and wonder what in the hell was going through his mind taking risks like that? Never gave it a thought that he might get arrested and blow up his life and his children’s lives. I am still shocked that he could lead this double life for decades. No conscience. Just a bunch of compartments that represented his life choices.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I totally get what you are saying, all of it. When I heard my husband met a woman on Craigslist at her house in a very questionable part of town (so unlike the man I know), without really knowing anything about her, alone, you could have knocked me over with a feather. He could have been assaulted, blackmailed, whatever. So much risk for a big chicken. It’s like he was literally two different people. It’s still shocking to me.
LikeLike