He’s there, right now, sitting at the edge of his own sanity. He’s unable to hide it, or even deny it.
It’s not coming from nowhere. It’s muscle memory. It’s those feelings of having been here before. Not in this exact place, but something, somewhere similar.
A bustling city, a lonely hotel room, life crashing down around him. So far behind, so many people needing so much from him. His drug is somewhere nearby. It’s always nearby. A short term fix to a long term affliction. The disease is palpable.
His malaise is debilitating. A worm in his brain causing destruction, and pain. His focus is gone, his output stalled. He’ll take the path he has been traveling for decades. His drug is there, willing, and able.
Blue Eyes is working like a demon. He has so many irons in the fire, it’s all going up in flames. We’re traveling back east this week, then LA this weekend, business meetings on a Sunday, arbitration next week. Not enough time, not enough hours in the day.
I sit back and watch. Yesterday Blue Eyes worked from 8am to midnight, straight on through. Lunch was a meeting, dinner was a very brief break, with me. Food delivered in. The rest of our office is three hours behind, that extends his work day by at least that. And even when the west coast people are long gone, home with their families, Blue Eyes works.
At one point yesterday he collapsed to his knees, hands on my legs, head in my lap, trembling. He said it was just like before. He could feel those old feelings, those old behaviors creeping back in. He could feel the destruction of all he had done, and yet he wanted his drug, he looked desperate. I cannot help him in these times. I want him to be honest, to put a voice to it all, but I can’t fix it.
I won’t fault him or punish him for expressing a desire he can no longer have. I get that there is a hole there he wants to fill. I understand traveling, working long hours, and juggling a mountain of stress sends him to that place. I feel for him.
But I also feel for me.
I think I would feel less alone if I was by myself.
Does that make sense?