I do find the subject of sexual acting out choices fascinating. I can now very easily remove my personal feelings from the shit my husband did during his years of acting out. He’s sober now six years and we are a little over a day away from the anniversary of discovery of his secret life. Seriously, I’m good. I really am. 🙂
I’m sitting here in the ICU. I have the 8pm-8am shift at the hospital. While everyone else is home sleeping I’m here in a chair next to my Dad’s bed listening to the monotonous sound of his ventilator. They tried to take it out this afternoon, but stopped when his heart rate escalated. They have backed way off on his sedation and a few minutes ago they dialed way back on his fentanyl. I got my hand squeeze. He’s resting now, so I will write.
So as mentioned here before, Blue Eyes’ acting out included porn and masturbation throughout his 40 years as an active sex addict. Once the world wide web was invented, he graduated from soft core paper porn (like Victoria’s Secret catalogs) to online porn. The porn wasn’t illegal or even deviant. He’s not attracted to younger women, no school girl fantasies. He’s more looking for middle-aged voluptuous women of color and very gentle bdsm scenarios. He’ll read this blog, eventually, so yeah, he’ll know I’ve divulged another one of his “secrets.” Along with the porn, there was grooming. I think as he got older and if there was an interested woman, he got bolder. He always flirted even way back in college, but I never thought much of it. I wasn’t insecure.
The first “affair” happened after years of talking with the woman on the phone through work. She was unhappily married and Blue Eyes would eventually find out she was an attractive (and voluptuous) hispanic woman of our age. Again, as described in previous posts, he got hits for years from mere phone contact with this woman, without even meeting her. When he finally did meet her, and after months of continued flirting with no sexual component, the whole thing ended once they had sex. But by this point, Blue Eyes was 25+ years into his sexual addiction, and the sex was an escalation. Once he knew he could do it, he added it to his repertoire but it was by no means the goal. I actually think he got a lot more hits thinking about the sex than he ever did actually having the sex.
The second “affair” was with the less attractive and obese hispanic secretary. She was older than Blue Eyes by a few years and once she asked for anything other than sex, she was gone.
With the third “affair” partner (garnered from the Craig’s List Ad) Blue Eyes had entered a whole new ball game. I have written plenty about this woman, but again, Blue Eyes admits that the hits came fast and furious from texting, sexting, emailing and phone calls. She required that their contact be more than a “quickie” because she felt like a “whore.” I hadn’t heard the term booty call since the 70’s until Blue Eyes mentioned that that is what the other woman kept asking if she was. Yep, she was! 🤷🏻♀️
Their contact was infrequent. By the time she made the phone call, Blue Eyes’ sexual acting out behaviors were de-escalating. I think he actually realized what he was doing, so different from what he knew was right, or what he wanted to be doing, had a cause and although scary, he wanted to explore it.
Sexual addiction on one hand is very simple, and yet on the other, quite complicated.
“Compulsive sexual behavior is sometimes called hypersexuality, hypersexuality disorder or sexual addiction. It’s an excessive preoccupation with sexual fantasies, urges or behaviors that is difficult to control, causes you distress, or negatively affects your health, job, relationships or other parts of your life.” (mayoclinic.org)
That’s the simple definition. What people do to get the hits, however, can be complicated, risky, expensive, illegal, and downright cruel.
For Blue Eyes, his behaviors fell within his own fucked up guidelines. In some respects he was completely delusional. He didn’t hire prostitutes, because that’s illegal, but he had sex with his subordinate secretary, for which he could have been sued. Sex addicts do not usually think straight, in my opinion. They become obsessed with their fantasies and nothing else matters. The questionable part to me, however, is how, if they’re so caught up in the addiction, can they be so effectively deceptive? How do they get so good at lying and hiding? It’s messed up!
I did not know, until January 2014, that my husband was a sex addict. I thought we had a truthful marriage. I thought our sex life was good, and relatively normal. Now I know there is no normal when it comes to sex addiction. We had a lot of sex, but no matter how much sex we had, he would always be able to convince himself it wasn’t enough. I was in a no win situation.
But what I wasn’t, was a prude. When our kids were in middle school we went to Las Vegas with friends. They have one boy, The Pragmatist’s age. We all got to do things we wanted to do. Their son wanted to go to the shooting range (minimum age: 11!!!) so some of us did that. Not me or the Pragmatist, but the Peacemaker was really into it, ugh! Those damn violent video games. The guy that worked there said our 12 year old could do his job!!! Nooooo. We ate great food, took in a show or two. The other couple did some gambling. Then John, the other Dad told us there was one more thing he wanted to do, go to a strip club. He had heard that Spearmint Rhino was a pretty “classy” place. Blue Eyes did NOT want to go, at all. I said, “could it be any worse than the shooting range???”
In the end, we set the boys up in their beautiful room at The Wynn with a rental movie and all the room service they could eat, and we headed off-strip to the club. It wasn’t late, and it was mid week between Christmas and New Years. The club was pretty dead, at least in the main room. We were told there was a VIP in the private room who, with his friends, had grabbed up a bunch of girls. The guy kept trying to get me to figure out who was in the next room… he said it was definitely a name EVERYONE would know. I told him I couldn’t care less.
He sat us away from the stage and brought us drinks. It was clear from the get go that John wanted a lap dance. Pretty sure John had been to a lot of strip clubs. There was a dancer who had just completed her routine on the pole, and he called her over. I was intrigued that he seemed to know a lot about how this whole thing works. His wife seemed unconcerned. Blue Eyes was mortified by the whole affair. So John got his lap dance while the rest of us chatted. It was kinda dark in the room, but light enough that I could see the other men. About a half dozen of them sitting very close to the stage, a few drinks deep, drooling over the girls with cash on the table. I guess I’ll never understand all the ways people throw their money away.
John came over and told me he wanted to buy Blue Eyes a lap dance. I told him I didn’t care but I thought we should pick a different girl. I told John this particular girl he had chosen wasn’t Blue Eyes’ type. I said Blue Eyes would probably like a girl with more meat on her bones. John seemed angry and said, “oh, you mean like YOU.” I said, “no, not like me… someone with big breasts.” John just walked away from me and did what he wanted. He gave the girl the money for a lap dance and she approached Blue Eyes but he was so not into it. He was so uncomfortable I thought he was going to throw up! I called the girl over to me. She said, “oh you want the lap dance?” I laughed and said no and asked her to sit down next to me. She said she wasn’t allowed. I said, well we paid the money? So she sat. I asked her how she got to be a stripper. She said she was a student at UNLV and she had student loans and no money and one of her girlfriends introduced her to stripping. She’d been on the dance team in high school in rural Washington state. Stripping was easy money. I asked her how close to graduating she was. She said she had dropped out and was stripping full time. I asked her why? She said she liked the money. She was 23. I told her strippers can’t strip forever. She acknowledged I was right. I asked her if her parents knew. She said no. I suggested she go back to school full time and if she couldn’t find another job that paid her as much, she should strip part time only until she finished her schooling. I suggested she move out of Vegas as soon as she could. She hugged me and walked over to a group of young men who had just arrived. At one point one of the strippers offered me a lap dance and told Blue Eyes she could satisfy me better than he could. She was a bold one. I did find a beautiful black woman with large breasts who I invited over for a lap dance with Blue Eyes. Even though she was definitely what I would learn is called a “template,” he was having none of it. Of course he wasn’t. His compulsive behavior was about secrecy and control. Me handing him this gift, wasn’t a gift at all. I shrugged and thanked the woman.
That’s our one experience with a strip club. I know Blue Eyes hasn’t been to another. I believe him when he says he hasn’t. It’s too public, costs money, it’s just not his thing.