Serenity Prayer:
Blue Eyes’ response to my previous post’s questions (from his blog, where he answered, not to my face by the way):
“If Crazy Kat died tomorrow, would I feel like I had been a good partner? Do I feel like I gave her the time she deserved? Do I feel like I loved her well? Would I have done anything differently the past 12 years, post dday?
good partner? I don’t think so. I have miles to go on this journey. My only consolation is the awareness of where I am and where I need to be.
do I give her the time she deserved? No I do not give her the time she deserves. Can I? Yes.
have I loved her well? No I have not loved her well. I have not been present for her in the way that she needs on a continuous basis.
would I have done anything differently the past 12 years? post dday. Yes totally.
Is today, tomorrow another day? Yes.
This is my answer for today.”
My response:
If the statement ‘opposites attract’ is even remotely true, my husband and I are poster children.
He is ADD, I am OCD. He is a snuggler. I am really not. He remembers crazy facts and quickly absorbs complicated concepts, I remember people, places and things that happen to me (like a steel trap). He is a left-handed dyslexic. I am right handed and detail oriented. I require calm and orderly. He lives in constant chaos. I am honest to a fault. He is a consummate liar. He loves sci-fi. I do not. And so and so on.
He tries to live by the serenity prayer. I understand it, but find it incredibly annoying when used as a tool for not just being and doing better.
We are all works in progress, of course I know this. But in order to make progress, we do have to actively work at it.
Kat, out!
I keep wondering why you are still doing this, especially with full emotional attachment. It seems like after all these years, he will never be a trustworthy, reliable partner. I would understand if you were together for other reasons. Not that I have to understand! I’m sure you’ve been through all this of course. From looking at it through your blog from the outside, you would be so much safer away from your husband.
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Well it’s been a while since I received a comment like this one. If you had mentioned that I don’t seem to be happy with the amount or quality of time my husband is spending with me, for example, and why keep doing this, I might be able to better understand. However, I’m confused about where my safety plays in here? At 42 years together, 37 years married, 12 1/2 years in recovery from addiction, two adult children, two businesses, three houses, etc… together for other reasons? We have a partnership and a whole lot goes into that partnership. Neither of us are perfect, marriage is hard, but safety is not an issue.
A good friend recently died of cancer, which has put both me and my husband into a bit of a funk. On a recent trip, I felt quite alone and this is where I come to write it out. I don’t think I would be safer or happier away from my husband.
I do appreciate comments. Thank you for yours. It gives me something to think about.
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Believe it or not, I came back to try to delete my comment because the second I sent it I realized it was dumb to post. I’ve been married 18 years and together 23 (so not nearly as long as you, rookie numbers lol). The gap between how I feel I’m treated in my marriage and how (I perceive) you are treated in yours is very wide. I feel I am respected and deeply loved. I feel my happiness is high among my husband’s highest priorities. He loves his work too but never uses it as an excuse to mistreat me or the kids in any way. This post seemed to shout at me that you are not getting the same kind of treatment.
Perhaps I am wrong! Perhaps I will feel differently after 42 years of marriage! I would never say this could never possibly happen. This is always a possibility, people change and grow. We try to grow together but nobody knows the future.
What I was really saying is I would not feel emotionally safe in your marriage. I said everything poorly and I hope I’m not projecting any shit on you. I sometimes have a visceral emotional reaction to your posts about your husband, because I like you very much. I do not understand how you can put your heart in his hands.
I hope I am not offending you. I hope you feel free to delete all this if I do.
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Whit, never feel like you need to delete a comment on my blog that was sent from your heart. It is very difficult to grasp a full picture from my very one-sided representation here. Even though I don’t know you, or your story, it makes me very happy that you feel loved by your life partner and the length of time you have together is substantial. You’re not a rookie. 🙂 The fact is that my husband is a safe space for me and loves me dearly and he tries but he is a workaholic, but more importantly, his work is very important to him and vital to his sanity. Probably one of the most difficult aspects of the first year after discovering he is an addict, was his inability to work. He had no drive, no passion for it and it was scary. All his behaviors, good and bad, were intertwined. They aren’t anymore. He runs two businesses and our businesses support numerous families. I’m glad he enjoys his work as I know a lot of people don’t. But sometimes he does still take me for granted, especially when traveling. He has always had issues with balance. But we do have a loving and nurturing marriage. Sometimes I want more, and I want it the way I want it. He can’t read my mind obviously and he doesn’t have my instincts for others emotions. But he isn’t a monster. He’s not cruel in any way. If you sat down with him for 15 minutes you would understand. He is very charismatic and kind. He loves meeting people and he would love nothing more than if I went to every meeting with him. I choose not to. Even though I am technically still a managing director of our business, I’m an introvert and meeting all those people is not my cup of tea. It’s okay. You are not offending me in any way and I appreciate you!
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