Journal Entry: April 23, 2014

Warning: this is a venting post. I do not normally just vent with all the words and hate that go along with that, but today, today I need this. This is going to be a full on rant. I have to get it OUT!!! I feel better already.

As my husband and I discuss elements of his behavior, his illness, his acting out lifestyle, which we do every day now, the thing that really just burns my insides is the lies he told about me and our life. The lie they were living was built on lies about me. I know all cheaters do this. Even if the OW doesn’t ask for it, they do it anyway, to make themselves feel better about what they are doing. The sick fantasy world that was created in order for their relationship to go on like it did for as long as it did makes me want to scream and run around the house and break everything that will break, and take a knife and rip everything that will rip, then bust all the doors down and break all the windows and then set it on fire. Basically just destroy the home we built together because its foundation is one of lies. I firmly believe she knew he was lying to her all along, but because she is a weak slut who believed she could take something that didn’t belong to her and exploit it for her own selfish gain, use my husband to fill her empty vessels, manipulate my life because my husband is a weak addicted asshole, she ignored the obvious fact that she was feeding drugs to a drug addict, and getting off on it, and she blackmailed the fuck out of the situation and then for the bow on her truly evil bitch package, she called me and destroyed my life.

I am not (normally) a mean, angry or vindictive person. I know from experience that I do not want to hurt other people. As a child, I lived my life happily, in a happy town with my happy, middle-class family. The only real disharmony in childhood came from my sister, who is mentally ill. Even when I was an adult and being physically assaulted by said borderline personality disorder sister in one of her rages, I could do nothing more than fend her off, try and hold her back. I actually eventually broke away and ran into my room and locked the door, and sobbing, called my parents. They told me to call the police and I couldn’t. I know she is sick. I just wanted her to get past her rage, which actually wasn’t even caused by me, but I was the nearest target. My heart aches for her sometimes. But even though she hit me on the head with an old rotary phone, punched me, and then ripped a chunk of my hair out, I did not fight back. Our younger brother (who has a real fear of hair loss) later told me that if she had ripped his hair out, he would have killed the bitch. He was just kidding, of course. Hair that is meant to be there, grows back, and so did my hair. Actually, the only scenario I can think of where I believe I would go into full on ninja hate/murder mode is if someone was hurting my children. I have always thought (hoped) that if I had to save my children, I could be that crazy killing machine. Thank god I have never had to deal with anything like that.

This morning, my husband was going through some of what he has been working on with his therapist. He is delving into his childhood and the abuse by his parents. As I have said in previous posts, my husband’s Mom is a narcissist who basically manipulated and controlled her children into believing they could not live without her money and her approval, which she is flatly not willing to give… but her fucked up not so little children anymore still strive for it, at least the two that are left. Suffice it to say, my husband has real issues with Mommy and she has always hated me, so no love lost there. So… my husband is sharing with his therapist, and at one point in the “relationship” with the evil, hoarding, smoking, alcoholic old lady whore who lives on the wrong side of the tracks (i.e., the latest OW—acting out partner) she started in with a mommy/son Shtick. I just actually had to stop typing for a minute because I thought I was seriously going to be ill. Mommy needs to punish you, Mommy is going to spank you, Mommy is going to make me sick and throw up right now, FUCK! My husband has gotten to the point where he is willing to give details. YUCK! So now he is going on about how he thinks maybe this older woman is part of a mommy complex thing. FUCK ME AND ALL THIS PSYCHOBABBLE BS! She added this mommy shit to her repertoire a couple years ago, so I do not see how it is relevant to why my husband is so messed up. It is just one more thing. Actually his whole illness is mommy related. Mommy did not give him enough love and nurturing, so now he has an addiction. Now you go out and have sex with anyone that will give it to you, we know you are one fucked up mother fucker. Go ahead delve away, but do not give any credit to the whore for making you realize that. She was so willing to screw you up one side and down the other that you were bound to hit some nerves along the way.

Now for the real point of this crazy rant: I have spent the past 30 years trying to help my husband become the mature man I know he can be. I did not play into his immaturity. I did not condone his childlike behavior. I treated him with respect and I expected him to rise to the occasion. I hope he still can. Meanwhile, that cold-hearted bitch was working against me for the past 8 years. Giving my husband all the sick reinforcement he needed to grow and escalate his addiction. She knew my husband had mommy issues. That fucking bitch knew my husband was an addict. That fucking bitch knew she was messing with a sick man, and she messed with him anyway, over and over and over again. She did it because she is manipulative, and spiteful, and vindictive, and because she could. She said he ruined her for other men. Bullshit. She couldn’t find another man sicker than my husband that she could manipulate. I guess her punishment is that she never will find another sick man like my husband that she can fuck with, literally and figuratively, and therefore I hope she dies an old shriveled up lonely woman. She doesn’t deserve the death penalty, she deserves to rot in her own hell.