Journal Entry: April 22, 2014
I have been feeling increasingly anxious and depressed lately and I am not really loving my therapist. Some days I feel like I am living inside someone else’s head, someone else’s life. My husband has found a clinic in Southern California that specializes in the sex addiction-induced trauma model for partners of sex addicts. He is worried about me. Ironic that he is worried about me now, but pretty much disregarded me, and my feelings, for the past 15 years. When things get too painful or unbearable, dissociative behavior and self-harm have become my coping mechanisms. I spoke to the director of the California clinic today. He has encouraged me to come in for an intensive two-day session with their trauma specialist. He said they could probably fit me in next month. I am anxious, but hopeful.
On days like today, I really need someone who understands. I don’t technically have someone who understands, but I do have someone who cares. I’m so lucky she is always there for me.
Email to my good friend: Hi D, Thanks for the welcome home. I hope you had a nice holiday. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I haven’t been on FB much. We have been really sick. My sore throat is now about 6 days old and is accompanied by a horrible cough, headache, and laryngitis. Basically pain from ear to ear, even the back of my tongue hurts :(. Anyway, I’m not really well enough to get together, although I would love to see you soon. The trip went as well as could be expected, I guess. Every day I had a breakdown. It will not go down as the best trip we have ever been on, although the cruise itself was great and B loved the Panama Canal. I am still struggling, of course. I cancelled my therapy appointment for this afternoon mainly because I am sick, but I did talk this morning with the director of a clinic in SoCal. I am going there for intensive individual treatment designed for partners of sex addicts who are in trauma to see if I can get past this hurdle. I’ll be there for a couple days. I am concerned about the graduation next month. I just don’t want to have to deal with the in-laws and all their bullshit after everything that has happened. I have read so much about B’s illness and a part of me understands, but I am still feeling so traumatized. There is a big gaping question of how could he do these things and not realize it would kill me. What a horrible addiction. Every day is a struggle. I keep thinking getting away from him might help, but then I know I would just be ignoring the obvious problems and it will all come back as soon as I am with him again. I’m sure I could separate permanently from him and move on, but I think the trauma will always be with me and get in the way of any relationship I have after this. I’m not sure I could ever trust a man again. That, and I really do not want to give up on our marriage yet. I understand B is sick… and now he has made me sick. I need to get better. B is changing out his cell phone number today. She has been calling all the numbers. She is unable to leave messages on our cells. There were a few hang ups on the home phone when we got home, so I checked the call log and sure enough, a couple of them were her. When we got home and B saw that she had started calling the home phone again, he wrote her a letter and he mailed it about 4 days ago, so I’m sure she has it by now. We haven’t received any calls since we’ve been home. It would be nice if she finally did just give up. I’m sure she is just calling to torture me, and B. He picked a real winner. I guess if she had never called, I wouldn’t be in this pain, but B most likely never would have gotten the help he needed. I started the partner’s group last week, and it was awful, way too much to write in an email. I will tell you about it when we get together. I do not think I have the strength to go back. I thought it was going to help, to know there were other women out there like me, but it was heartbreaking and alienating to me. Love you lots. K
And the abridged response from my friend: I believe that you will be able to trust again. It may not feel the same but it’s not in your soul to stay in a state of despair and distrust. You are still in your infancy of recovery. Give yourself the permission to take the time to heal. I’m sure intellectually you know, but it’s still raw and emotional. I keep saying it, because I mean it, hang in there. Call me when you feel better. Love you. D
I love the moral support, but I don’t want to wait any longer to heal. I want to heal now. I am tired of being patient. Patience is not a virtue I possess. I do love my friend and it does make me feel better to know someone really cares, but what I need is someone who understands. It is a lonely place out here in the land of betrayed spouses. The pain and isolation is going to drive me insane.