Journal Entry: July 5, 2014

During my phone conversation with The Director a couple weeks ago, before my husband’s 9-day, he asked me some questions about Blue Eyes’ habits. He asked me to categorize my husband’s acting out behaviors as I now see them. These would all be behaviors I knew nothing about until six months ago. My husband has since shared his activities with me, and so I categorized them as follows:

• Obsessive porn and masturbation
• Nurturing covert relationships with the opposite sex
• Acting out with the opposite sex (i.e., affairs)

The Director asked me if Blue Eyes had any specific proclivities when it came to the porn he liked to watch (that I knew of). I said, in honor of full disclosure, he had showed me a couple of the porn websites he had been viewing. There was nothing violent, nothing out of the ordinary. Most of the porn was similar to fantasies he acts out with me, and some that he had acted out with his last affair partner. There is nothing painful or violent about his fantasies. As a matter of fact, all his fantasies seem very normal to me… silk panties/lingerie, being softly bound, being gently dominated.

Blue Eyes’ addictive behavior centers around using secret fantasy driven sexual encounters to cope with the anger, resentment, and loneliness he has never learned to deal with in his life. No matter how many people Blue Eyes has around him that love him unconditionally, no matter how much nurturing or sex he gets from me (or himself or others), he acts out because he is a sex addict. Blue Eyes’ behavior is not about what is real in his life, it is about a false reality he has created in his head to cope with the addiction. The addiction that stems from the abuse and neglect he experienced in childhood, and that left him with a sense of low self worth and a need to control a sick part of his life through manipulation.

During this long and painful six-month period of disclosure, I have learned a lot about my husband’s three acting out partners (affairs). I figured out very quickly that when my husband talked about his acting out partners, he would sink into this kind of strange fantasy driven haze. Blue Eyes lived a very secret, very unrealistic lifestyle. His entire addictive sex life was about fantasy, not reality. Unfortunately, these women live in a slightly different reality than my husband. They all wanted something more. They did want relationships, not just sex, most women do.

When The Director was asking me about my husband’s acting out partners, he was curious as to their ages. I am sure he was thinking they were younger, as younger women/underage women is a definite turn on to men in general and sex addicts in particular. I told him that from what I knew, the alcoholic whore, affair partner #3 is more than 8 years older than Blue Eyes and that I thought the first two were younger, but not by much, maybe a few years younger than my husband, at least that is what he told me.

After speaking with The Director, I became curious as to exactly how old the first two affair partners are. So I did a little digging. I found out that affair partner #1 is the same age as me and my husband. Almost exactly the same age, within a few months. My husband thought she was younger. More interesting is the fact that the slutty secretary, who my husband thought was a few years younger (big strong dominating boss fucks young, hot secretary) is actually more than three years OLDER than my husband. Somehow I knew this information was going to mean something to my addict husband.

I was having an exceptionally difficult day today. Yesterday was Independence Day and holidays have been pretty rough. Normally we have a party at our house, as we have a view of a large public fireworks display from our deck. This year I wasn’t in the mood, but I did make a rather large meal for my son and the 20 or so friends he invited over for the occasion. I was struggling with Blue Eyes and his seeming indifference to my agony and his recovery, so I decided to experiment a little with my ability to shock my husband out of his fantasy world. I had him go back, again (I am really not supposed to do this—at least according to my therapist) and have him describe his affair with the slutty secretary. I asked him a couple times how old she was and why he thought she was years younger. He said she told him so. I explained to him that women generally lie about three things: 1) age, 2) weight, and 3) orgasms. You would think a 50-year-old man would know these things. I told him the slutty secretary is actually more than three years older than he is and graduated from high school a full four years ahead of him. It is difficult for me to describe the look on my husband’s face when I told him that his “boss fucking the young, hot secretary” scenario was a lie. I would have to say, however, that the overwhelming feeling I got was anger. I am not sure if it was anger towards the slutty secretary (someone he has not seen for over 12 years) or anger towards me, for bursting his bubble, or both. My guess is a little of both. I had a burning desire to burst all his bubbles. To bring him to his knees with the realization that all these affairs he had experienced, and was reliving in his mind, were not real. He lied to them, and they lied to him. He was playing a very sick game and everyone was being hurt, but most of all I was being hurt because I was in a game I did not know about, and had never asked to play.

As the day wore on, I became increasingly distraught. Even though the first two affair partners are devastating to me especially when I think about our little family and how vulnerable we are and how he manipulated us, the aspect of all of this that bothers me most is the lies he told his third acting out partner in order to keep her coming back for more for eight years. He told her that I was not loving, that I didn’t nurture him, or hold his hand, or hug him, or kiss him, or give him sex. He told her he loved her and that she was beautiful and that she gave him the thing that he was missing in his life. He said he felt like she was the Mother he never had, except with sex… yeah, that grosses me out too, but back to my reality. I find it incredibly difficult to forgive him for bringing me into this at all. I cannot believe my supposedly loving partner of 30 years could sit in bed with another woman and blatantly lie about me. I wish he had just gone to prostitutes. They would not ask him why he was in their bed (or alley). They would not care. But he chose a really messed up woman who actually to this day believes I am a mean bitch who doesn’t like to have sex with my husband. Not to mention the fact that she is still stalking me with irritatingly random phone calls to my mobile phone. It is unnerving and scary and I don’t really even know what she looks like. If you google me, you get lots of pictures, links, my blog, Instagram photos, etc.. If you google her, nada. Well, you used to get one old head shot of her that I honestly did not even believe is her. I told him I was afraid and he suggested we hire a private detective to get photos of her and also make sure she is not following us in any way. I agreed, but then thought about it. Do we really want to spend our hard earned money on her? He suggested we go to her place of work and park near her car and wait for her to exit so I can see what she looks like and maybe that would make me feel better.

I said, “okay,” (I don’t think my husband thought I would) and that is what led to our evening reconnaissance mission to a local hospital. You want to go with us?