Journal Entry: July 3, 2014

Email today to my friend, D:

Well, June is over. Do you feel more relaxed yet? Blue Eyes and I are home and enjoying a quiet holiday week. He is struggling more, me a little less. We are moving forward, because sitting still is depressing. Blue Eyes is in a kind of emotional withdrawal. He is raw with his feelings and realizing the magnitude of his addiction and his actions.

Once we reunited in Santa Barbara things for both of us were pretty rough. We’re just starting to get back in a groove, but we have only been home for a day and a half. We can talk more about it all the next time we get together. Enjoy your weekend! Love you. Kat

After my husband’s intensive sex addiction treatment program, it was time to say good-bye to Los Angeles, at least the Los Angeles that includes The Institute, and The Director. I came to realize I needed to conclude therapy with my LA trauma therapist. It wasn’t that I was “cured” of my trauma related to my husband’s betrayal (clearly from my last entry a couple days ago, I am far from “over it”), it was just that I needed to find a way to continue my process of healing, at home. As much as I love Los Angeles, and beautiful hotels, and never ending blue skies and sunshine, and perfect temps, and palm trees, and swimming pools, and cabana boys, and warm, sunny beaches, the out of town therapy was becoming quite expensive. All the back and forth plane flights and days of therapy made it difficult to get anything done work-wise, plus our home life was in shambles. Our son was struggling, our pets missed us, and plants in our yard are dying from lack of water. In addition, Tee, my wonderful trauma therapist, is directly tied to The Institute and The Director, and my husband is ready to cut ties with The Director, for good.

We have been back home for a couple days now, and my husband has been diligently working to find a new local sex addiction therapist. I have a therapist I have been going to one to two times a week since May. She has been working in tandem with the LA therapist. Now we will go it alone.

Earlier this week, The Director called Blue Eyes to tell him he had revisited the celibacy recommendation and felt like three months abstinence would be a better place to start. After three months, they could reevaluate his situation together. Well, what was done was done. There was no one in my husband’s life that could understand the one year celibacy rule, not me, not his 12 step guys, not his sponsor, not his regular therapist, not my therapist, no one. Not only could people not understand it, they were as shocked as we were by such a recommendation by a supposed leader in this field. My husband realized he had no respect for a man who would make such an irresponsible demand. He made up his mind to end his relationship with The Institute.

This morning, Blue Eyes found a new sex addiction specialist who comes highly recommended. He spoke with him on the phone and feels very good about their conversation. Here forward I will call my husband’s local sex addiction therapist, The Shrink. When Blue Eyes called The Director to let him know he had found a local therapist and would be continuing his therapy at home, The Director actually asked my husband if he had maintained his celibacy. It’s like the guy is obsessed with whether we have sex or not. And for the record, we never stopped having sex. I am not going to stop having sex with my husband until I find some legitimate and sound advice that makes sense to me. My husband is raw enough, and I don’t want to give it up either. My husband decided to ignore The Director’s inquiries and just let him know that he would no longer need his services and this is what The Director said (verbatim, I kid you not):

“OH, OKAY, SO WHO’S YOUR DADDY NOW?”

I know, a little unbelievable. My husband has issues with giving over his higher power to others who definitely do not deserve it (yes, his actual Daddy immediately comes to mind), and The Director knows this, and obviously in his frustration (or whatever, the guy IS a bully), he has decided to exploit this weakness and make my husband feel small and worthless, the very behavior that instigated my husband’s addiction and bad behavior in the first place. My husband had remained strong on the phone, but when he got off and relayed the conversation, he was starting to break. I reminded him about not getting sucked in by what other fallible people do to inflate their own egos, and to try and let it go. It is so hard to remain calm with my hysterical husband, when I just want someone to take care of me, hold me, and tell me everything is going to be okay. We are such a mess.

So now, for anyone keeping track, 3 therapists and 1 wive’s support group for me, and 2 therapists, and 1 institute gone by the wayside, for my husband. And we keep marching on…