Reconnecting with Blue Eyes… and with the trauma

It has been more than four days since I posted. That’s a long time for me. We have been busy. I was delighted to welcome my husband to Salt Lake City. It felt great being back in his arms. We both immediately felt more grounded and whole. This is a good thing. I desperately missed him and have decided that although we very much need time apart, for now, it will be hours apart instead of days.

My last day in Utah was spent mostly with my husband as we went out and purchased goodies for my sister in law for her birthday. We made breakfast for everyone of french toast with berries, her request. We also went on a long walk as the weather was gorgeous, nearly 60 and sunny! We had dinner with the birthday girl and my brother, even though she was tense about leaving babies behind and he was on crutches. Good food, good company, good times.

We didn’t get enough sleep before having to depart for the airport for our flights to Amsterdam. The first flight (to Chicago) was short and uneventful, with no anxiety at all. Not sure what happened to me, but after we got on the large 747 bound for Amsterdam, I started getting anxious. I had planned to take 1/2 of an Ativan after the meal and attempt to get some good rest as our early morning arrival in Amsterdam would prove daunting on 4 1/2 hours sleep in more than 36 hours. We decided to watch a movie while enjoying dinner, and we chose Horrible Bosses 2. I was leery of this movie. Sequels are so notoriously bad, and I had really enjoyed the first Horrible Bosses. I had this instinct the second one would be awful, but it was one of the only comedies available and I thought that would be our best choice. As I scrolled through the available movies on the screen in front of me, I started having those tense feelings that generally lead to a break down. An actress with Camilla’s real first name was in at least two movies as I scrolled, so there was that name staring at me from the bright screen, taunting me. It immediately made me think of all the long flights they shared together, two of them to Europe. I could feel my stomach churning and my chest growing tight, as I found the correct movie and loaded it to play, Blue Eyes chose that moment to reach over, grab my hand, and tell me how beautiful I looked and how much he loved me. You’d think this would calm me, ground me, bring me back, but it didn’t. When he does these things, little gestures of his love for me, especially when I am not in a great place, it tends to send me reeling. It makes me think about how he most likely did and said the same things to her when they were on planes together. I picture him looking into that horrid face and those selfish, greedy, blackmailing eyes of hers and telling her how beautiful she was and how much he loved her, which would then lead to sexual activity, in public, on a plane.

At first, last year when I found out about the sex on the planes, I hated myself for being so rigid. Why couldn’t I be so carefree? Why was I so concerned about other people seeing and about respecting the close space shared with so many others. But then I realized, they were sick. It is just not appropriate to perform sex acts on a plane in view of others, blanket or no. I am a responsible adult. What if there were children nearby. Were they even aware of who was around them and if they were being watched. Sex can be sexy without being crude. Sex can be exciting without doing it in public. Call me old fashioned, but I don’t want to see other people having sex in front of me (unless of course I choose to watch porn, which is no longer a part of our lives), why would I think they would want that. I realized I would NEVER want to be like Blue Eyes and Camilla. They are addicts.

I sat on the plane as the movie started playing before my eyes and the tears flowed. Everything was a blur. I tried to focus on something outside of the images flooding my head. I couldn’t quite get there. I couldn’t get to the calming images I had practiced in my mind. My husband reached over to take my hand and accidentally hit my remote and turned the movie off. Probably for the best anyway. This awkward movement further exacerbated the problems I was having around my feelings towards him and sent me deeper into the abyss. I cried it out going through all those old frustrating thoughts of why me? Why did this happen to me? Why did my life have to be forever altered in such a dramatically horrifying way? How could the man I loved do these cruel things? Why is there a terribly broken, angry, and vengeful woman in my life who thinks my husband is in love with her? How could he have spent so much time with her on planes, on trains, in taxis, in hotels, anywhere?

I managed to eat part of the meal that was placed in front me but I don’t really remember what it tasted like. I know there was salad, and they brought around a box of chocolates after dinner. I ate a delicate piece of chocolate, breaking most of my healthy eating rules in one fell swoop and I don’t even remember what it tasted like. Oh, the trauma.

It took me nearly an hour to gain some control over my emotions, but I made it through without too many stares from the flight crew. We did end up watching Horrible Bosses 2 and it was pretty much as horrible as I was expecting. Jennifer Aniston as a crazed sex addict didn’t quite seem believable to me… not sure why?!? By the time I got my wits about me and finished my dinner, I was afraid it was too late to take the Ativan. I have no idea what the side effects would be and with only 3 1/2 hours of the flight left, I didn’t want Blue Eyes having to order a wheelchair for me at Schiphol Airport. I tried resting for a bit, then just decided to watch the Paddington Bear movie. It was distracting and entertaining although I do not remember the Paddington Bear books of childhood being quite like that movie. Nicole Kidman turned out to be a very believable evil taxidermist. I ended up not sleeping at all.

I wonder if I will ever truly be over the travel trauma. I sure hope so. I have five more flight segments to navigate on this trip alone!

16 thoughts on “Reconnecting with Blue Eyes… and with the trauma

  1. Ah CK, if only you could see from an outsider’s point of view how far you have really come! We all have setbacks, moments when we question if this hell we are more living in will ever end. You are stronger than you realise. This sad, unbearable moment will pass. Remember you’re still heading in the right direction. Sending you love and warmth to reach a better place mentally. SWxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi SW. I do think I have made progress, but then I get so frustrated with myself when I have meltdowns. There are certainly far fewer sad moments these days than last year. I am grateful for that. Time is helping, but of course we will never forget and therefore, I will never truly be over it. Thanks for the love and warmth, it feels good! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. So sorry this all happened to you and I am also relieved to know that when I have my moments that kind gestures from my husband make things worse. I think you are brave to conquer your fears of what your husband did and of going on a plane to boot. Hugs to you.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I think you should enjoy another chocolate or luscious indulgence.

    Your strength and determination inspires me. Hoping new memories are formed and peace and calm surround you both. xo

    Liked by 3 people

    • I am planning more luscious indulgences in Paris. Thank you for your kind comments. Blue Eyes will be in meetings most of the days until the weekend in Stockholm and then we visit our son in NYC. Until then, I will enjoy my evenings with him and try to remain calm and breathe deep. Hugs.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. You are amazing. I had a breakdown in SEA about a month ago. I am glad I am not the only one who gets set into a fury when I am sad enough about life and M touches me lovingly or says kind words. I am all like fuck you, don’t touch me, shut up!

    Today I told him he makes me mad and he said I don’t make you mad and I thought funny he hasn’t in a
    Long time. He is loving, kind and just.
    All strange but good at the same time safe travels Kat
    ❤ NH

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thanks, NH. Yes, sometimes I want to scream “fucking don’t touch me because you touched her and now I will never feel the same,” but mostly I just feel sad that it isn’t special anymore. I hope some day to feel really really special again, someday. My husband is also loving, kind, and just and broken. I don’t ever want to hurt his feelings by not being loving and kind when he touches me. If only he hadn’t touched other women… at least I am enjoying my travels so far now that I am off the plane. Thanks for the support! Hugs.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I think that is key. Not special anymore. Of course you are and I know you know it, but sadly his actions make you feel “not special” to HIM. I feel this also. When there has ben faithfulness (I know because I had this fantastic wonderfulness of deep love and connection for more than twenty years) there is this warm and truly wonderful feeling of “unique connection.” When they touch, caress, kiss, pleasure another/others it feels like someone robbed you of all of your glitter – all your specialness. Just remember, there are going to be more stumbles along this journey but as long as your trajectory is in a forward direction, you will find the resilience to recover from them. You are doing so well. Hopefully so is he xxx.

        Liked by 3 people

        • I just used your glitter comment in my latest post. Thank you! The funny thing about all this is, I know Blue Eyes and I have had and still have the fantastic wonderfulness of deep love and connection you speak of. I think my pain around his actions is temporary. I will never forget, but I think I will better be able to put it into perspective once he has some sobriety under his belt and I have totally processed my trauma. I think I am making progress. As he proves to me that he wants to be sober more than he wants to act out sexually (or other ways) I will continue making progress. The sexual betrayal hurts, but the lies and not trusting that I would still be there for him, no matter what, hurts more. I have given him everything. I could not fathom him hurting me after I have been so loving and loyal. I just did not know what was going on in his head. I cannot let the sex win. He did not love those women. This whole thing sucks, but I am still in. He is doing well too. Thanks as always for your kind and insightful comments. ❤

          Liked by 1 person

          • Good for you, Kat. I think the sex as addiction aspect is actually bizarrely helpful in this situation, no love, just a method of masturbation – using a person as your “hand” almost. No feelings, just a rocks-off moment – after moment, after moment!

            Rog and I did really well for the first three years, we were so in love, he was so shocked and sad at what he’d done, and I thought we would make it, then the sadness I feel started affecting my sexuality, I started to squirm when his hands or lips touched my skin, I could SEE them all over and IN her, him coming all over her (he often pulled out – no condoms, vomit) and I was no longer able to push those images away during any kind of intimacy. That was the beginning of the end, when I could no longer access the hot, sexual lust I had felt for him for twenty-four years. I still kills me that it’s gone…


            • Oh, and I am flattered! Roger always says he rubbed/burned all my sparkle and glitter off. That I was this lovely, shiny, happy girl, and he made it go away, and we can’t find anymore glitter to spray over the dullness of my new life.

              Liked by 1 person

              • Well, I should thank Roger then for his glitter/sparkle comment 🙂 . I know, I am so sad that your lust for your husband is gone. It is, of course, very difficult for me as well thinking about the sex acts, but it was never the most difficult part (other than the partner he chose… which further solidified the realization that it was addiction because she is horrifying, not lovely to look at let’s just say). Although his being an addict does help a little in respect to clarifying the acting out behaviors, it is so much more difficult in terms of being able to say he regrets what he did. He does, of course, but addiction is insidious. Relapses are common. He can regret it all he wants, but he must be in recovery to manage his anger, resentment, and lack of control. He will be there probably for the rest of his life. It’s a mountain to climb, for sure. I hope you can get some of that glitter back! ❤

                Liked by 1 person

                • Oh gosh, I didn’t mean the addiction was easier than other affairs! Not at all! This is long term, insidious abuse and habit that you know doesn’t just go away because it is exposed. I just meant that this one aspect, the ‘no love’ aspect of addiction is a tiny bit “helpful” – I know that is not the right word.

                  Kat, I am really interested to ask a fairly delicate question, if you don’t mind? I had no idea Roger was fucking my friend, for fifteen months, and we were a very close and I thought, connected couple. If I look back my hindsight is 20/20. I “should” have asked questions, I “should” have been not okay with him spending time with her, texting her in front of me, discussing their texts, her coming down to BBQs and my birthday, etc. But I didn’t. I really didn’t. I just didn’t think he would be “that guy” as he had been so dismissive of others who cheated. Did you ever ask yourself if your husband could possibly be having an affair (and I am not talking about whether you ever dreamed he could be an addict, I get how no one would know that.) I mean he is obviously a very financially successful man, it sounds like you two had a lot of time apart, with him able to travel with his AP, that kind of thing? I know a lot of busy, financially successful businessmen who have regular sex outside of their marriages. Did this ever cross your mind while you were holding the fort at home with your kids and their activities? We didn’t have much time apart. In fact, Leanne asked Roger to accompany her to a wedding in a far away part of the country for a weekend once. He just looked at her like she had asked him to fly to the moon. Of course he couldn’t do that (he didn’t want to either) but the point is, he couldn’t explain a trip like that to me. We have had nights apart – he is a hunter and fisherman, but he always goes away with other men I know – so he couldn’t use that ploy. I guess why I am asking is because although I was not in any way the jealous type, I would probably have asked myself if he had opportunities to cheat. In fact, the night all was revealed, my disbelief was, “how the hell did you find the time – she lives over three hours away, and we see each other all the time?!” They could only ever steal an hour here of there, but texting can happen anywhere at anytime. (He often was texting her when we were out having a great time – or so I thought we were!)

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • This is such a good question. I think we can always say hindsight is 20/20 and kick ourselves for being too naive. The point made earlier when Violet was still following me and there was that discussion between you and her about opportunity… these same thoughts came to mind. I don’t really think it is about opportunity as much as it is about the underlying blind faith and trust on our part and also the underlying broken pieces of our spouses. My husband could have cheated thousands of times, because you are correct, we were apart A LOT. After learning everything, I think it is shocking that there were only really three women and the first two were pretty fly by night. The third is just a literal manifestation of the illness. Gee how I wish I could get through to that woman and put her in her place. Perhaps she already really knows and that is why she is so aggressive and angry. Who knows. Anyway, their reasons may be different and their choice of women different, but the fact remains that we trusted them and therefore were not suspicious of them. I have written about this some, but I honestly never thought my husband would cheat. Not because he said it all the time or chastised others, but because he is a good man and cares deeply for his family and also he is scared of his shadow when it comes to things outside business… or so I thought. I never thought there was anything inside him that would allow him to be so cruel or callous. It is difficult for me to think of it any other way, but from his perspective, it is just plain an illness. I would make comments over the years about how sad it was when we would hear about someone cheating, so he could see that it would cause me pain, not anger. He was somehow able to block that out. I am sure he was scared and it would affect him for the time being and he wouldn’t act out, until he couldn’t hold out any longer. I cannot believe he was in so much pain and never shared. That goes to the deep long term nature of his hiding within himself. Truth is, I did not really know my husband. It hurts like hell. I cried so hard and ached so deeply to know that another woman knew something about my partner, my life, that I didn’t know. I was in such despair knowing he had shared something with another woman that he had not shared with me. Not the sex they shared, which is ridiculous, monotonous, ritualistic and something we had done numerous times, but the fact that he was a cheater–she knew, I didn’t. After all these years, the betrayal is the thorn. When I first told my youngest brother who works daily with my husband and has traveled with him extensively throughout the world (much more so than the whore), he was just as shocked as I. He knows how much my husband loves me, but also, he knows how much my husband loves his business and he could not fathom that he would put all that hard work in jeopardy and also he could not believe that he had not suspected anything. I thought, how ironic, my brother even feels betrayed by my husband and all his lies and cheating. My husband is like a puppy. Even though he is a very successful CEO and is amazing as a salesman and extremely intelligent and driven, he is emotionally also very docile and insecure inside. I have always known this. I have helped him over the years. I helped give him the confidence he needed to go out on his own. I have always been there for him with his career and with his horrible family. The knife in the back almost did me in. He knows this, but the addiction was there before me. So, in a word, NO, I never suspected my husband cheated on me. I did not know my husband. Not even in a hindsight kind of way. When I found that email all those years ago, I totally believed the story my husband told me about being lonely and upset about his parents and that nothing had happened. Regarding Leanne inviting Roger to a wedding, the whore was constantly trying to get my husband to go away with her on her terms, where she wanted to go. She has a timeshare at the coast, she asked him multiple times every year to go with her, for eight years. It would make him angry that she assumed he would take time away from his family for her. He would tell her every time that it wasn’t going to happen. She would get upset. The only time she got was a few minutes between meetings for the first three years, and then on the trips, the only time she got was literally when he would have been masturbating. When I dropped him at the airport, I never suspected anything. He had been traveling by himself since 1994. From 1997-2008, he went on dozens of trips by himself. Often he went to Japan one to two times per month from 1997-2004. When she finally told him (after three years) that he couldn’t go to her house anymore, he figured it was all for the best and that would end the relationship. But then, he thought about it and got up the nerve to invite her on a business trip if she paid her own way. Every trip was miserable even with him getting his drug. It all still blows my mind. Only an addict would live such a life. I trusted my husband so much, I never checked his phone or his laptop or anything. Once when I went into my office (after dday) to use my computer and my husband was with me, I noticed our son had been on my computer, mainly because it had been logged into. Our boys often use my computer because it is easy and convenient and I have nothing to hide so I do not really care. I looked at my browser history just out of curiosity to see what our son had been looking up. There was nothing there. My husband immediately said, “oh, he must have had the browser on private… ” I had no idea what that even was. I just looked at my husband and called him a pathetic asshole. He had been putting his browser on private for years, just in case I looked at his history (where he accessed his secret gmail account, porn, etc… ). It was only after the fact that I realized how fucked up he is. I wanted a relationship where we didn’t have to hide anything from each other. I didn’t get it. I have resolved myself to the fact that I probably will never have that with my husband. I have changed my expectations and for the most part accepted my new reality. It sucks!

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • Kat. That. Was. An. Awesome. Answer. Thank you so much for sharing that. Very similar. Rog never berated anyone for cheating, just said it was sad and wondered how screwed up you had to be to act that way. He is a kind, strong but terribly gentle man. He is quite in touch with his emotions. I just didn’t see it coming. I also never snooped. Couldn’t understand why anyone would in a happy relationship. We had it all. I totally adored him. He still totally adores me. Saddest thing ever. Your acceptance does suck ass , but I feel strongly that you have a great chance at nailing this to the wall and having a happy and long life with Blue Eyes x.

                      Liked by 1 person

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