It has been more than four days since I posted. That’s a long time for me. We have been busy. I was delighted to welcome my husband to Salt Lake City. It felt great being back in his arms. We both immediately felt more grounded and whole. This is a good thing. I desperately missed him and have decided that although we very much need time apart, for now, it will be hours apart instead of days.
My last day in Utah was spent mostly with my husband as we went out and purchased goodies for my sister in law for her birthday. We made breakfast for everyone of french toast with berries, her request. We also went on a long walk as the weather was gorgeous, nearly 60 and sunny! We had dinner with the birthday girl and my brother, even though she was tense about leaving babies behind and he was on crutches. Good food, good company, good times.
We didn’t get enough sleep before having to depart for the airport for our flights to Amsterdam. The first flight (to Chicago) was short and uneventful, with no anxiety at all. Not sure what happened to me, but after we got on the large 747 bound for Amsterdam, I started getting anxious. I had planned to take 1/2 of an Ativan after the meal and attempt to get some good rest as our early morning arrival in Amsterdam would prove daunting on 4 1/2 hours sleep in more than 36 hours. We decided to watch a movie while enjoying dinner, and we chose Horrible Bosses 2. I was leery of this movie. Sequels are so notoriously bad, and I had really enjoyed the first Horrible Bosses. I had this instinct the second one would be awful, but it was one of the only comedies available and I thought that would be our best choice. As I scrolled through the available movies on the screen in front of me, I started having those tense feelings that generally lead to a break down. An actress with Camilla’s real first name was in at least two movies as I scrolled, so there was that name staring at me from the bright screen, taunting me. It immediately made me think of all the long flights they shared together, two of them to Europe. I could feel my stomach churning and my chest growing tight, as I found the correct movie and loaded it to play, Blue Eyes chose that moment to reach over, grab my hand, and tell me how beautiful I looked and how much he loved me. You’d think this would calm me, ground me, bring me back, but it didn’t. When he does these things, little gestures of his love for me, especially when I am not in a great place, it tends to send me reeling. It makes me think about how he most likely did and said the same things to her when they were on planes together. I picture him looking into that horrid face and those selfish, greedy, blackmailing eyes of hers and telling her how beautiful she was and how much he loved her, which would then lead to sexual activity, in public, on a plane.
At first, last year when I found out about the sex on the planes, I hated myself for being so rigid. Why couldn’t I be so carefree? Why was I so concerned about other people seeing and about respecting the close space shared with so many others. But then I realized, they were sick. It is just not appropriate to perform sex acts on a plane in view of others, blanket or no. I am a responsible adult. What if there were children nearby. Were they even aware of who was around them and if they were being watched. Sex can be sexy without being crude. Sex can be exciting without doing it in public. Call me old fashioned, but I don’t want to see other people having sex in front of me (unless of course I choose to watch porn, which is no longer a part of our lives), why would I think they would want that. I realized I would NEVER want to be like Blue Eyes and Camilla. They are addicts.
I sat on the plane as the movie started playing before my eyes and the tears flowed. Everything was a blur. I tried to focus on something outside of the images flooding my head. I couldn’t quite get there. I couldn’t get to the calming images I had practiced in my mind. My husband reached over to take my hand and accidentally hit my remote and turned the movie off. Probably for the best anyway. This awkward movement further exacerbated the problems I was having around my feelings towards him and sent me deeper into the abyss. I cried it out going through all those old frustrating thoughts of why me? Why did this happen to me? Why did my life have to be forever altered in such a dramatically horrifying way? How could the man I loved do these cruel things? Why is there a terribly broken, angry, and vengeful woman in my life who thinks my husband is in love with her? How could he have spent so much time with her on planes, on trains, in taxis, in hotels, anywhere?
I managed to eat part of the meal that was placed in front me but I don’t really remember what it tasted like. I know there was salad, and they brought around a box of chocolates after dinner. I ate a delicate piece of chocolate, breaking most of my healthy eating rules in one fell swoop and I don’t even remember what it tasted like. Oh, the trauma.
It took me nearly an hour to gain some control over my emotions, but I made it through without too many stares from the flight crew. We did end up watching Horrible Bosses 2 and it was pretty much as horrible as I was expecting. Jennifer Aniston as a crazed sex addict didn’t quite seem believable to me… not sure why?!? By the time I got my wits about me and finished my dinner, I was afraid it was too late to take the Ativan. I have no idea what the side effects would be and with only 3 1/2 hours of the flight left, I didn’t want Blue Eyes having to order a wheelchair for me at Schiphol Airport. I tried resting for a bit, then just decided to watch the Paddington Bear movie. It was distracting and entertaining although I do not remember the Paddington Bear books of childhood being quite like that movie. Nicole Kidman turned out to be a very believable evil taxidermist. I ended up not sleeping at all.
I wonder if I will ever truly be over the travel trauma. I sure hope so. I have five more flight segments to navigate on this trip alone!