I feel vindicated. Just a little bit. Anyone who reads this blog knows sometimes I get something stuck, in my craw so to speak. I have already admitted I have a bit of obsessive compulsive disorder. People who know me, know this.
Spending all this time exercising to iTunes music these days, I am really running through my music library. After my post yesterday, I was hoping Blue Eyes was going to enlighten me on what he was thinking when he downloaded The Story. Nope. Didn’t happen. C’est la vie. We did have a conversation about the song and he just kept saying he really didn’t remember. During the discussion, along with The Story, I kept bringing back up “that Duffy song” for some reason. Duffy is a Welsh singer who had a hit way back when (way back during Blue Eyes’ eight year long relationship with the ex-OW) called ‘Mercy.’ During our conversation, honestly I couldn’t even remember the name of the song. I merely remember that Blue Eyes had been obsessed by it. I remember him sitting in my office pre d-day obsessively watching the music video over and over and over. I remember being perturbed by his behavior and asking him what the deal was with that stupid song. He kind of just shrugged and said he really liked it. I watched the video and thought perhaps he had a “crush” on the singer. I know he likes the raspy voice and vintage sound ala Amy Winehouse, and Duffy is pretty cute, but we’re not teenagers over here.
Post d-day, I heard that song on the radio and voila, I knew why he had been obsessed by the song. I would post the music video, but I don’t want to. The words give me the creeps now. Mercy was the first song to play this afternoon when I hit shuffle. Here are a few snippets of those lyrics that seem so black & white now:
I love you
But I gotta stay true
My morals got me on my knees
I’m begging please stop playing games
Now you think that I
Will be something on the side
But you got to understand
That I need a man
Who can take my hand yes I do
I don’t know what you do
But you do it well
I’m under your spell
You got me begging you for mercy
Why won’t you release me
I asked him post d-day if the other woman had introduced him to that song. He flat out denied it. Said he heard it on the radio, again, strange as he doesn’t listen to pop. Once again, once I hear something that sounds like a lie, it sticks with me… seemingly FOREVER. As I listened to the words today I remembered why the song lyrics bug me so much. I asked him again if the OW introduced him to that song. He said… here it goes guys, the gosh darn fucking TRUTH… “YES!” Finally. He finally thought about it and said she had introduced him to the song because, of course, it was her. Her life. She was under his spell and he just wouldn’t let her go. How romantic, NOT! He said he believed he got a thrill from knowing he was manipulating her and she wanted him and couldn’t let him go. He also said it was a joke because she pursued him harder than he pursued her and when she pursued, it was with blackmail. He knows it was all a sick game now. We all know that. All I wanted was the truth.
So that rather benign conversation turned into a much more delicate discussion of how Blue Eyes has felt very ungrounded the past week or so. How he believes his surgery brought back a lot of demons from his childhood. How he feels like he is back pre d-day and lives in great fear and resentment. How he is trying to get to the bottom of why he resents me sometimes and why he gets angry at me. He talked about how he knows he is very co-dependent and needs to give me more space, but he is afraid. He knows he smothers me sometimes. Again, his addiction is about resentment, anger, control. About manipulating people and using his drug to cope. No drug=no cope, unless he does the work necessary to replace the bad coping mechanisms with good ones and gets to the root of those coping issues. I cannot emphasize this enough… it takes time and hard work. Every day work. It’s not just going to happen naturally. I believe this is why a lot of guys relapse. They pretend at recovery. They play recovery like it is a game. I am really hoping that all this third year turmoil and self reflection and resentment and tears and this particular communication, means healing. I also hope Blue Eyes writes on his blog about all this, because I think he has made real progress and created some viable goals for himself.
And, back to my vindication. Finally. I knew I was being lied to. When you are being gas lighted, it is so difficult to just let things go.