Mercy

I feel vindicated. Just a little bit. Anyone who reads this blog knows sometimes I get something stuck, in my craw so to speak. I have already admitted I have a bit of obsessive compulsive disorder. People who know me, know this.

Spending all this time exercising to iTunes music these days, I am really running through my music library. After my post yesterday, I was hoping Blue Eyes was going to enlighten me on what he was thinking when he downloaded The Story. Nope. Didn’t happen. C’est la vie. We did have a conversation about the song and he just kept saying he really didn’t remember. During the discussion, along with The Story, I kept bringing back up “that Duffy song” for some reason. Duffy is a Welsh singer who had a hit way back when (way back during Blue Eyes’ eight year long relationship with the ex-OW) called ‘Mercy.’ During our conversation, honestly I couldn’t even remember the name of the song. I merely remember that Blue Eyes had been obsessed by it. I remember him sitting in my office pre d-day obsessively watching the music video over and over and over. I remember being perturbed by his behavior and asking him what the deal was with that stupid song. He kind of just shrugged and said he really liked it. I watched the video and thought perhaps he had a “crush” on the singer. I know he likes the raspy voice and vintage sound ala Amy Winehouse, and Duffy is pretty cute, but we’re not teenagers over here.

Post d-day, I heard that song on the radio and voila, I knew why he had been obsessed by the song. I would post the music video, but I don’t want to. The words give me the creeps now. Mercy was the first song to play this afternoon when I hit shuffle. Here are a few snippets of those lyrics that seem so black & white now:

I love you
But I gotta stay true
My morals got me on my knees
I’m begging please stop playing games

Now you think that I
Will be something on the side
But you got to understand
That I need a man
Who can take my hand yes I do

I don’t know what you do
But you do it well
I’m under your spell

You got me begging you for mercy
Why won’t you release me

I asked him post d-day if the other woman had introduced him to that song. He flat out denied it. Said he heard it on the radio, again, strange as he doesn’t listen to pop. Once again, once I hear something that sounds like a lie, it sticks with me… seemingly FOREVER. As I listened to the words today I remembered why the song lyrics bug me so much. I asked him again if the OW introduced him to that song. He said… here it goes guys, the gosh darn fucking TRUTH… “YES!” Finally. He finally thought about it and said she had introduced him to the song because, of course, it was her. Her life. She was under his spell and he just wouldn’t let her go. How romantic, NOT! He said he believed he got a thrill from knowing he was manipulating her and she wanted him and couldn’t let him go. He also said it was a joke because she pursued him harder than he pursued her and when she pursued, it was with blackmail. He knows it was all a sick game now. We all know that. All I wanted was the truth.

So that rather benign conversation turned into a much more delicate discussion of how Blue Eyes has felt very ungrounded the past week or so. How he believes his surgery brought back a lot of demons from his childhood. How he feels like he is back pre d-day and lives in great fear and resentment. How he is trying to get to the bottom of why he resents me sometimes and why he gets angry at me. He talked about how he knows he is very co-dependent and needs to give me more space, but he is afraid. He knows he smothers me sometimes. Again, his addiction is about resentment, anger, control. About manipulating people and using his drug to cope. No drug=no cope, unless he does the work necessary to replace the bad coping mechanisms with good ones and gets to the root of those coping issues. I cannot emphasize this enough… it takes time and hard work. Every day work. It’s not just going to happen naturally. I believe this is why a lot of guys relapse. They pretend at recovery. They play recovery like it is a game. I am really hoping that all this third year turmoil and self reflection and resentment and tears and this particular communication, means healing. I also hope Blue Eyes writes on his blog about all this, because I think he has made real progress and created some viable goals for himself.

And, back to my vindication. Finally. I knew I was being lied to. When you are being gas lighted, it is so difficult to just let things go.

26 thoughts on “Mercy

  1. ‘When you are being gas lighted it is so difficult to let things go’

    Yes yes and yes, I have had a very anxious day and have been working on a post about this very topic of gas-lighting. I wasn’t sure I should post it but I think I will….

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    • I had never heard of the song, so had to look it up. Yes, prophetic. This is why people say to trust our instincts. Funny how my instincts never let me know that my husband was cheating on me for years. It makes me question my instincts a lot. So when I am right, I like to celebrate. 🙂

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      • Hmmm. I totally ADORED the movie Control. And watched it almost obsessively about halfway through his affair. I had no idea I was so “obsessed” -as Roger later put it. But he told me after Dday that he was really concerned I was onto him. The sadness I felt for Deborah Curtis as she felt her husband moving away from her during his affair prior to his suicide. I am just an empath. And I guess I noted our weird new distance. Roger thought I knew and was watching it with him trying to get him to confess. Nope. I had no idea.

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        • I have never heard of that movie… it sounds intense. After d-day, I would ask BE, for example, what he was thinking when we were watching Big Love and I went on and on (as I tend to do) about how live and let live with the multiple partners thing, but when he cheated with the waitress (i.e., told no one about the relationship) that he was just a run of the mill cheating bastard. He said he didn’t say anything because he felt scared and like crap that he was that lying cheating bastard and of course he would swear to himself that he was never going to do it again. Of course I had no idea, ever. I don’t know about you, but there is no way if I knew that I would wait for him to confess. When the OW called, I was all over that shit in like 30 seconds. How strange if I just put on a movie about cheating and then waited to see if he would confess. He never would have confessed so why waste my time trying to guilt him into it. Interesting concept.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Yeah. Like that is how I roll, Roger! Sometimes I forget that other people are not quite so nuts about Joy Division! Control is based on Deborah Curtis’ autobiography Touching From a Distance. Her story about being married young and having a baby with Ian Curtis – the lead singer in the band. He was just 21 when he took his own life and I have always adored them. Good film.

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  2. Ugh. I feel this way about some details still. I know he could be being honest, but I just feel it. It’s a sticking point for me.
    My husband’s ow made a play list for him. He used to listen to several of the songs alot. I asked him where he heard them (not his usual type of music) and shocker he lied! I can finally stomach hearing most of the songs. Improvement considering I used to change the station if one of them came on the radio.
    I can imagine how good it feels for that vindication. The truth. Knowing you weren’t nuts.

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    • It feels good! I am quite shocked I can listen to music now with so little of the devastating feelings of the past couple years. It’s been a few months now since I burst into tears at song lyrics. I am so grateful for the reprieve! xxx

      Liked by 1 person

    • Yes! I got that feeling A LOT the first year, less the second year. I am hoping for much less in year three although I hardly ask any questions anymore. When there though, that gut feeling is strong!

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