Things were going along so well, and then someone had to go and fuck it up.
This post is not really about sex addiction. To sum things up, shit happens no matter how adept I believe I am at avoiding it. And, my life’s not perfect (I know, I know—no one’s is) but I have learned that my life IS perfectly manageable. The trauma has all but vanished, like magic. Ha ha ha. Just kidding. I don’t mean to make light, but I am joking. As y’all know, I struggled for years. But I am now safely past all the really destructive thoughts and behaviors. I’m good with where I’m at in this sex addiction mess. I don’t think about the betrayal anymore. I really don’t. I do openly share my story, and I do talk about being the wife of a sex addict. I talk about it A LOT in my personal life (not just on this blog) because I have found that stuff needs to be said. Sex addiction IS a thing and a lot of people are suffering in silence, addicts and partners, both hiding and feeling shame. I abhor shame. I want to obliterate shame. I want people to be able to live in their reality, stop hiding and lying, and stop hurting. I want partners to know they’re not alone, and it is in no way their fault. I’m not really in a position right now to do anything more than share my story and talk with people about sex addiction. I want people to have more of what I couldn’t find four years ago, and that is love and understanding from people who have been through it. Honestly, I meet a lot of partners of sex addicts because I talk openly about it, and there are more sex addicts out there than I could have imagined and that means there are more partners suffering than I would have believed possible. I’ve stopped being shocked by the number of women suffering in silence. I want them to have a voice. I’m learning how to be a better listener.
What I have also learned in the past four years, is that I must look after my own health. I need to start being A LOT more proactive. I’m about to turn 55, and that’s no joke. I may not look 55 (that’s what people say, anyway), but I feel it in my body. I found this place in North Carolina where everything fits together. I work their program and my body loves it. I’m possibly healthier than I have been in two decades, but it takes hard work, and time.
My stay in North Carolina went from three weeks to four, then four to six, then six to eight… and, well, I have these goals, you see, and I’m bound and determined to reach them this year. I’m pretty sure I would have just extended to 10 weeks, but this thing happened back home, with the business, and I realized that part of me still being me involves caring about other people. I do very much care about the people I love, and if I can help make things a little better for them, I want to fit that into my life.
I know now, with every fiber of my being, that I can live without Blue Eyes. I know I can, and I know I don’t want to. We’re a team, me and Blue Eyes. We have an amazing partnership, both in business and in marriage. I will always be there for him. He’s learning how to truly be there for me. Two weeks ago, Blue Eyes’ right hand guy quit with no notice. He literally walked into Blue Eyes’ office, said a lot of mean and hurtful things to Blue Eyes, attempted to blackmail him, and left. One of the things this former employee (of 11 years I might add) said was that he felt like everyone was just sitting around waiting for Blue Eyes to relapse. That is just cruel. Besides the damage this former employee accomplished with his words, he also managed to do some VERY illegal things of which now he will pay dearly, potentially with his freedom. The whole thing is a long drawn out drama, but suffice it to say, Blue Eyes now knows what betrayal feels like, intimately. No, it’s not the same level of intimate betrayal Blue Eyes perpetrated on me and our boys, but it still really sucks.
I took a bunch of conference calls in North Carolina. I flew home to be with Blue Eyes. We spent all day Saturday planning our next moves. Our company is stronger than ever. We are fucking awesome employers. This is a case of one sick puppy taking out his own unhappiness on innocent people. Thing is, I’ve been here before and I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of this kind of abuse and I won’t tolerate it. I’ve passed my sentiments along to our lawyers. In business, I can be a cutthroat bitch. People know this.
I’m now back in North Carolina to continue what I started. I’m here for two more weeks and I’m planning on absolutely kicking ass in the gym. And, the sun is shining!