I was digging around in my blog when I came across this very old post written by me at about 14 months post discovery. The comment I have copied below was written by a wife of a sex addict who was at about 2.5 years post her discovery. The two of us come from very different perspectives and chose different methods of healing. Me, the trauma model. Her, the co-dependent model.
Realizing neither of us represents all partners of sex addicts, one of the things I most appreciated about reading other blogs and writing my own, is that there are people who understand where we are coming from, have had some of the same experiences, and in the end, stay or go, there is hope for recovery.
I’ve mentioned numerous times on this blog how much I needed the conversations that happened in the comments on my entries. I needed to know someone was out there listening. It didn’t start out that way, but I was so honored that people eventually connected enough with me and my story, to want to comment. Not all comments were kind and or helpful, but most have been.
Blue Eyes and I are now 12+ years post discovery and strangely enough, I’m still here and people are still reading because addiction doesn’t go away. It can be managed, like my diabetes, but it never disappears.
I wanted to take a moment to speak to the partners of sex addicts (and partners of cheaters in general) who are reading this blog and say, be kind to yourself. Don’t blame yourself. Don’t feel less than. Don’t take responsibility for someone else’s bad acts, and don’t feel responsible for anyone else’s recovery.
Here is an excerpt from the comment all those years ago by another blogger that I specifically want to speak to:
“I’m kind of jumping around in entries and came to the current to see how things are going now. I was hoping that you had finally realized your responsibility in all of this but it looks like you haven’t yet and that makes me sad. The sooner you realize that you helped him be sick, the faster you will heal and the faster he will heal. Did you make him do what he did, of course not. Is his addiction your “fault”, absolutely not. But, from reading your entries there were so many times that you chose denial.
From making excuses for him, to allowing red flags to go unnoticed, to not even reading the “love letters” that he wrote to Colleen all those years ago. Yes, HE chose the behavior, but he could not have gone this long unnoticed without your unwavering help.
As soon as you accept your portion of the blame, you’ll stop looking at him saying “hurry up and get fixed, you lying cheating bastard”, and you’ll start to see him more as a partner in your quest to fix your marriage. By seeing all the ways that you can help will make your relationship heal faster and stronger.”
So a few things I want to point out:
- “I was hoping you had finally realized your responsibility in all this…”
- “The sooner you realize you helped him be sick…”
- “… you chose denial…”
- “… making excuses for him…”
- “…ignoring red flags…”
- “… he could not have gone this long unnoticed without your unwavering help.”
- “…accept your portion of the blame…”
So wow. I disagreed wholeheartedly back then, and I REALLY disagree all these years later. No, the non addict spouse does NOT need to take responsibility. No I specifically did NOT help my husband “be sick.” I did not CHOOSE denial, nor make excuses for him. When a person has no idea what sex addiction is and believes wholeheartedly in the integrity of their spouse, there are no such thing as red flags. I did not give my husband unwavering help in the process of feeding an addiction I knew nothing about and I will never accept BLAME for my husband being a sex addict.
So to all the spouses who have been cheated on, or who are married to sex addicts, please be kind to yourself. Refuse gaslighting. Get help. Practice self care. You will make it through this!
try not to cry on my rainbow 
Hi Kat,
I have truly appreciated this post, as I have reading all of your story, back to the beginning. I have wanted to hug and cry with you & others who have commented here, throughout the years.
I emphatically agree, we are NO way responsible for another adult’s choices-good or bad. Those choice are theirs, alone. We can’t take credit for the great ones they make, and definitely are in NO way responsible for their bad or poor choices. I also agree, how can one have had a part in a behavior one had no knowledge existed? That thought seems illogical and therefore ridiculous.
When saspouse said there were “red flags” you ignored, I thought,”Hmmmm if I thought my kid was acting more tired than usual I’d question his diet, his sleep, whether he was dealing with stress at school. I’d take him for blood work. If all came back negative and my son’s energy level returned, did that mean I ignored the red flag that he was getting up in the middle of the night to talk on the phone or sneak out of the house for a period of time? Of course not! I examined and responded to the available data, as did you. BE apologized with seemingly heartfelt remorse (which there’s no doubt he felt), got therapy and all seemed back “to normal”. How could you possibly know he was lying through his teeth? You acted on the available information you had at tgat time.
Saspouse did reply as graciously as she could, given the ill-informed (& traumatizing) information she felt compelled to share and you likewise replied graciously. I continue to be dumbstruck that any betrayed partner would find peace accepting the notion that they played a part in their own murder!!! I’ll take a slight side step to add, if (and I don’t believe) she meant you (any of us) “aided & abetted” our own annihilation by being empathetic, kind, loyal, respectful, understanding, trusting and compassionate, which were the “perfect storm” of securely attached qualities a sex addict could exploit, then I could see how she could twist that in a tragically harmful way.
What do we all (almost all, I guess) say? “We don’t know what we don’t know.”
i reread your post, included in this one, to which Saspouse replied. I thought, “She (you, in your reply to BE’s email) could be describing any one of our spouses/partners.” They’re all “in their own heads”. They’re all “trying to fix ‘it’ themselves”. They’re all using affirmation & sex to cope. They’re all “intimacy averse” due to their childhood attachment. We had NOTHING to do with that! Even their parents, as whacked, ignorant, misguided as they were, are NOT responsible for the choices our spouses/partners made.
Kat, I told my husband, “I know Kat has moved on with her life and made peace with her past and her husband, but boy! do I feel rejuvenated & affirmed when she chooses to talk about this aspect of her story!”
Thanks, Kat! I agree, we need this fellowship!
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Thanks, Centered. I felt like it all needed repeating. We are not responsible. ❤️
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Kat, hello! You are still a beacon, I’m so grateful for you, that you are still here. I’m reconnecting with the blogosphere and with journaling. I missed a few years, and I’m missing my tribe, you, the women who helped me make sense of the things that will never make sense. You are amazing, you’ve been here all this time. I missed a lot of your posts, but what I just read up here – wholeheartedly agree. The “codependent approach” is not just a smokescreen, it’s secondary trauma. So is the legal system, for those of us who opted for divorce. Oh gosh so much to unpack, but I miss you, and would love to reconnect. I have missed your insight and your calm.
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Well hello there. Part of me is happy that many of our old friends have moved on from blogging because for some, it means a kind of healing. Part of me is sad because I miss them, but mainly I really hope they are in a truly happier place in their lives. I have been blessed with connecting with a number of betrayed spouse bloggers outside the blog. A couple of them have visited me, I have visited a number of women. Then there is Facebook and all the other ways of keeping in contact with some, but mainly it’s been a long time and we’ve all moved forward.
I continue blogging because I like to write and this has been my spot for so many years. Obviously I don’t write as often, and I write far less about sex addiction but the posts reflecting my whole traumatic healing process are still here for anyone who wants to read.
How are you and your daughter? She must be really grown up by now. Are you still in Chicago? Or back home? I hope I’m remembering correctly. So divorce. I totally get it and yeah I think the court system doesn’t give a shit about cheating and destroying a person’s dreams anymore, but I don’t know your predicament.
Welcome back! I can’t wait to read your writing!
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I for one am grateful that you are still writing and still sharing – your discipline and consistency is admirable and your approach has always been so grounded, so genuine and so vulnerable (in the most beautiful and most powerful meaning of the word) that it feels a little bit like home.
We are doing well, considering the legal shitshow that’s been going on. My daughter is amazing, she’s almost 12, and smart, kind, and has my sense of humor which makes for an amazingly fun friendship and family-ship (HA!) between us. We are still in Chicago – anchored here for now but not complaining. Came to like it here.
I’m catching up on your posts so I see you’ve had some changes as well and the kids are keeping you on your toes in one way or another. And BE, well, he is still BE and will always be.
Your predicament about divorce is spot on – and in a way it’s even worse than just not caring, it’s a full on secondary trauma. Trauma you actually pay for… big time. I will write more about this. Funny thing is I had to take my blog private because the courts are busy silencing victims of abuse and betrayal, God forbid the world finds out what your ex spouse did, but it’s a whole new story and a whole new trauma for me to continue to process. I haven’t even thought about the sex addiction for a while, interesting. It’s more the legal abuse that’s hurting, but at least this one has a defined end when our child turns 18. I will write a lot about this, to process and to share this brand new aspect. I need to get back in the practice of writing – I am definitely rusty.
I missed you and I hope I will get to meet you in person as well – you’ve been a beacon in this darkness. Hugs!
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I can’t wait to read more of your story! I need to carve out the time!
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