I was digging around in my blog when I came across this very old post written by me at about 14 months post discovery. The comment I have copied below was written by a wife of a sex addict who was at about 2.5 years post her discovery. The two of us come from very different perspectives and chose different methods of healing. Me, the trauma model. Her, the co-dependent model.

Realizing neither of us represents all partners of sex addicts, one of the things I most appreciated about reading other blogs and writing my own, is that there are people who understand where we are coming from, have had some of the same experiences, and in the end, stay or go, there is hope for recovery.

Continuing to purge

I’ve mentioned numerous times on this blog how much I needed the conversations that happened in the comments on my entries. I needed to know someone was out there listening. It didn’t start out that way, but I was so honored that people eventually connected enough with me and my story, to want to comment. Not all comments were kind and or helpful, but most have been.

Blue Eyes and I are now 12+ years post discovery and strangely enough, I’m still here and people are still reading because addiction doesn’t go away. It can be managed, like my diabetes, but it never disappears.

I wanted to take a moment to speak to the partners of sex addicts (and partners of cheaters in general) who are reading this blog and say, be kind to yourself. Don’t blame yourself. Don’t feel less than. Don’t take responsibility for someone else’s bad acts, and don’t feel responsible for anyone else’s recovery.

Here is an excerpt from the comment all those years ago by another blogger that I specifically want to speak to:

“I’m kind of jumping around in entries and came to the current to see how things are going now. I was hoping that you had finally realized your responsibility in all of this but it looks like you haven’t yet and that makes me sad. The sooner you realize that you helped him be sick, the faster you will heal and the faster he will heal. Did you make him do what he did, of course not. Is his addiction your “fault”, absolutely not. But, from reading your entries there were so many times that you chose denial. 

From making excuses for him, to allowing red flags to go unnoticed, to not even reading the “love letters” that he wrote to Colleen all those years ago. Yes, HE chose the behavior, but he could not have gone this long unnoticed without your unwavering help.

As soon as you accept your portion of the blame, you’ll stop looking at him saying “hurry up and get fixed, you lying cheating bastard”, and you’ll start to see him more as a partner in your quest to fix your marriage. By seeing all the ways that you can help will make your relationship heal faster and stronger.”

So a few things I want to point out:

1. “I was hoping you had finally realized your responsibility in all this…”
2. “The sooner you realize you helped him be sick…”
3. “… you chose denial…”
4. “… making excuses for him…”
5. “…ignoring red flags…”
6. “… he could not have gone this long unnoticed without your unwavering help.”
7. “…accept your portion of the blame…”

So wow. I disagreed wholeheartedly back then, and I REALLY disagree all these years later. No, the non addict spouse does NOT need to take responsibility. No I specifically did NOT help my husband “be sick.” I did not CHOOSE denial, nor make excuses for him. When a person has no idea what sex addiction is and believes wholeheartedly in the integrity of their spouse, there are no such thing as red flags. I did not give my husband unwavering help in the process of feeding an addiction I knew nothing about and I will never accept BLAME for my husband being a sex addict.

So to all the spouses who have been cheated on, or who are married to sex addicts, please be kind to yourself. Refuse gaslighting. Get help. Practice self care. You will make it through this!