Yesterday I visited my favorite “downtown Ojai” interiors store. I put downtown in quotes because Ojai is a very small town. Barely 8,000 residents, but it has lots going for it, like great shopping (albeit expensive), yummy restaurants, lots of fun events like the Memorial Weekend Arts Fair, a juniors tennis tournament, music festivals, two … Continue reading Another day, another cheater
Loneliness
Loneliness
All we can hope for is that Blue Eyes’ father feels a little better with us here. It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn't heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore's stick house. Inside the house was … Continue reading Loneliness
It’s okay to feel really bad some days
I’m giving myself permission to feel really shitty today. I’m tired. I’m burnt out. I want more happiness in my life. The tears are welling up in the corners of my eyes right now, threatening to spill over, and it’s okay. My chest is tight. I feel like I want to run away. I’m in … Continue reading It’s okay to feel really bad some days
Do you wonder why I run away
This is really a post to my husband. A post out of utter frustration to my 8 1/2 years sober sex addict husband. I would talk to him face to face, but he’s too busy working, at 11:30pm. At diagnosis Blue Eyes acknowledged who and what he was and started on his recovery journey… a … Continue reading Do you wonder why I run away
Precipice
He's there, right now, sitting at the edge of his own sanity. He's unable to hide it, or even deny it. It's not coming from nowhere. It's muscle memory. It's those feelings of having been here before. Not in this exact place, but something, somewhere similar. A bustling city, a lonely hotel room, life crashing … Continue reading Precipice
Moving on
Street Art at Wynwood Walls, Miami Disclaimer: I wrote this post as the third in the trilogy of 'I woke up to nothing' posts. I'm over those feelings now, but March included a couple of really difficult weeks. The sadness even spilled over into our business trip to Paris, but again, I'm doing better. I'm … Continue reading Moving on
Showers
As I stood in the shower this morning, going about the usual routine of washing and conditioning my hair, cleansing my body, shaving my legs, activities that don't require much thought, I realized in my mind I was planning the day ahead. I was thinking about what was on the schedule. I had spoken to … Continue reading Showers
Why didn’t I think of me
I have been writing a lot about Blue Eyes and his fourth step (that searching and fearless moral inventory, the one that Blue Eyes completed a few weeks ago and which is pages and pages and pages long) and fifth step (admitted to God, to themselves, and to another human being the exact nature of … Continue reading Why didn’t I think of me
Bonding road trip from hell, part four
Journal Entry: October 16, 2014 Going back home. I woke up yesterday feeling down. In hindsight, I think I was totally burnt out. All my energy was gone. Used up. I had spent days now with my husband with barely a break. It was getting to be too much. In a car, in a hotel … Continue reading Bonding road trip from hell, part four
Where my pain comes from today
Journal Entry: September 1, 2014 Today's thoughts to my husband: I can feel the time slipping away, like watching sand in an hourglass. Each day we get a little closer to the one year mark. I know you can feel it too. This is not the time to swoop in at the eleventh hour, to … Continue reading Where my pain comes from today
try not to cry on my rainbow 