This is really a post to my husband. A post out of utter frustration to my 8 1/2 years sober sex addict husband. I would talk to him face to face, but he’s too busy working, at 11:30pm. At diagnosis Blue Eyes acknowledged who and what he was and started on his recovery journey… a journey that will end when he dies, I’m guessing. He has sort of acknowledged his workaholism, but hasn’t done anything about that monster. He also has a wicked case of ADD, is taking Adderall, but again, perhaps all just symptoms of a much bigger problem that he isn’t acknowledging.
The adage that people don’t change is true. They can be and do better, but he’s the same person who deceived me and cheated on me. It’s a certain kind of person who can lie to their spouse day in and day out for years, still function, run a successful business, coach his kid’s little league team, etc… basically juggle two lives. I realize that now. I have made compromises to who I am in order to stay, but I am still the same person he married. That means this is super hard on me, being married to a liar. I kept my promises. I would never behave with such utter lack of care for his feelings. There is anger and resentment in me, but more than that, there’s pain and trauma.
I’m a fully functioning 59 year-old mother of two, married for 33 years this month, committed to the same human for nearly 38 years now. That’s a long time, but promises are promises to me. As much as I have mostly healed from the trauma of his betrayal, there are still songs that sucker punch me, exits on the freeway, road signs, mention of cities he betrayed me in that send a shock wave through my body. I mostly just shake it off now, or go a bit numb for a minute. I may miss a snippet of conversation, but I’m good at improvising. There aren’t any more days of sobbing, but there’s this awful feeling that something is missing. I feel it most when I am home with him. That may sound strange to those who live with their spouse every day, but I have spent a good part of the last 7 months away from Blue Eyes. I was in Ojai for 2+ months, then home for a bit, then back in California from the end of April to mid June. Recently I’ve been going back and forth to the beach house as it is now a vacation rental. I’m managing it and the Ojai house. But as much as I love renovating houses, taking road trips, and managing properties, I still feel that void.
Perhaps the reason is, I don’t have a real partner. Most people would be shocked by how much time Blue Eyes works and just how little time he spends with me. But it’s less about the amount of time, it’s more about how he resents me for time he spends not working. I could give a bunch of examples, but I’m tired of rehashing in my mind why I feel so neglected and under valued, so I will give just the most recent example. This past weekend there was a client and his family in town from Boston. They were attending a conference. Blue Eyes had not met face to face with these people before, so he was excited to meet them. I, on the other hand, was dead tired from everything I have been doing, and also just not feeling well. I asked for the weekend off, imagine that…. a weekend off! Blue Eyes of course said he was fine with me bowing out, but the pressure was constantly on. He went sightseeing with them, for hours. He planned dinner with them on Sunday and of course they wanted to meet me, his better half, blah blah blah. So instead of taking care of myself, I went to dinner, it was a 4 hour affair. They’re nice people, but it was tiring. Blue Eyes was up bright and early yesterday morning, to the office by 7:30am, met with and had lunch with these same people. I, on the other hand was off to the beach house, checking on broken hot tubs, sweeping the garage, directing landscapers, putting together a gift basket for our airbnb guests and then driving back home in time to collapse into bed.
Tonight we had agreed to spend a couple hours together, to catch him up through Episode 7 of Stranger Things Season 4, so we can finally watch the last 2 episodes as a family. When we finished the episode and he realized it was almost 11pm, Blue Eyes had a fit. He has SO MUCH work to do. OMG, the anger and resentment was on full display. Now this is a man who worked all day, 7:30am-6pm. And works every day of the week, and can still rationalize getting mad at ME because he watched a couple hours of TV, but it could have been anything because anything that isn’t work, isn’t right. I know, he’s still a very sick man.
This is when I, almost subconsciously, start planning my next escape. It’s now become my coping mechanism for being married to someone who absolutely takes me for granted and refuses to see his own sickness. Where can I go where I am useful & appreciated… it’s very sad that that place is not right here in my own home.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
Sorry I haven’t read lately; I’ve been working on trying to find what brings joy to my life. It’s not easy “starting over” in a new place in one’s 50s. Especially when being around family was the goal, and my family dynamics are a real problem. Anyhow – my hub was a total workaholic when he was working. Our situation was (is) a bit different b/c he was denied the ability to work in his field due to his depression dx. So, now he spends hours in the garage with his German Lego set or doing other random “chores” — and the impulsive factor – very high. I never saw him as being impulsive all those decades, but after D-Day(s), I see it and it’s not cool. Maybe that part (ADD) had an outlet before when he was AO, but now it’s part of daily life – a lot worse than many students I worked with. OY.
LikeLike
Wonderful to see you again, Kat. I’m sorry to hear Blue Eyes is being shit again. Join the club. It does make you wonder if it was worth “saving” the relationship – for what? To spend more time apart? This is our life. SWxo
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks, SW. I really do love writing and always have the intention to give my blog more time, but things have been crazy busy and it falls by the wayside.
Yeah, I know I always had and still have the choice to call it quits. It’s a dilemma, we’re just so different, he and I. But most of all, yes, the residual feelings of knowing I was treated badly. I wasn’t respected, and he still very much takes me for granted. It sucks! ❤️
LikeLiked by 2 people
Kat, I read this and, frankly, you could have been writing it about my husband. Almost 5 years of sobriety from his sex addiction, but he’s a total workaholic. He regularly volunteers for 16 hour days at work (double shift) which really means that he’s away from home for 18 hours and sleeping when he’s home. He does this several days a week. We often literally see each other in passing when one of us is getting out of bed and the other is getting in. He has lots of “reasons” (excuses) for doing this, but my opinion is that it’s easier to go to work than it is to do adult stuff. Don’t want to do yard work? Just be at work during every conceivable daylight hour. Find spending quality time with the family stressful? Retreat to work. Need a constant distraction? Work!
I feel neglected. I feel that way because it is neglectful to prioritize work over your spouse and family.
I totally understand why you retreat. I’m not a Pursuer. I don’t think you are either. I won’t chase my husband to spend time with me. I’ll go where I’m happy. Maybe he comes along, maybe not. It might shock him how little I care. I’ve learned not to have expectations, so if I can make my own joy – which I can – that’s a much safer bet. After all we’ve been through it’s kind of sad, but I can make magic happen when I’m by myself. I’m sure you can too. ❤️
LikeLiked by 4 people
They just haven’t fixed what’s truly wrong, because if they had, they wouldn’t take us for granted. They’ve already treated us badly, why would they continue to do so, if they actually had changed. Nah, it’s not right. 💔
You’re not on social media, so you’re less aware than some of my other “blog friends” about exactly how I make my own joy. The Peacemaker and I spent 6 weeks in Ojai rehabbing that house. It was fun! I love Ojai. We turned that place around and now it’s being rented by a single mom with two kids. So therefore I’m back home… back to reality, but I am setting up my painting studio and tending to the garden. Doesn’t negate the fact that my husband is an amazing salesman, but not a very enlightened partner. I’m very magical anyway! 💖
LikeLiked by 3 people
Good to read your posts again, Kat. I relate to a lot of what you write… although my husband isn’t a workaholic. I can see how you feel unnoticed and unimportant ….
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s not right, after everything, but it is a reality. It’s tough for them to acknowledge the havoc they wreaked. Much easier to ignore it. I certainly don’t bring it up, I merely ask for an attentive partner. I guess that’s a lot to ask? 🤷🏻♀️
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s good to hear from you again. Sorry about your current situation. Not good.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It is what it is Dave! It’s unfortunate, but I’m an independent person and have a lot of joy in my life. Happy summer to you! ☀️
LikeLiked by 2 people
You too!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I understand. And hope you don’t feel lonelier than ever. I miss you. And admire your pragmatism and strength.
I also have a workaholic, and realise Roger also was one, albeit directed a little differently.
The reality is, DDay was life changing. Whether a marriage is saved/revived/survives or ends, peace is lost forever. We carry the pain and disappointment, reinventing ourselves.
Your travels and spaces are so inspiring to me. Hoping they are healing and empowering for you.
Much love xxx
LikeLiked by 4 people
Peace is lost forever 💔 so true.
Renting the beach house has become a full time job. I’m not bored, but lonely for an attentive partner, yeah. I fear I am the one who is going to need to revitalize this partnership and not sure I have the energy.
I miss you! I want to run to New Zealand! ❤️❤️❤️
LikeLiked by 2 people
We’ll get there again one day!
Loving the photos and watching your Ojai progress. You have a real talent for these projects 👏
LikeLiked by 1 person
Didn’t have the funds to do a fancy bathroom re-do like you, but it’s on the list for the future for sure. I still do love my cement tiles though.
This rental house thing is so time consuming. The guests from last week sent me a picture of one of our fancy brass and leather dining chairs showing how the brass on the frame has separated… WHAT??? we have had the same chairs in our Portland dining room for YEARS
LikeLike
Yes! It can be quite heartbreaking sometimes. No one treasures it like you do. Ugh 😥
LikeLike
Whoa, accidentally hit post I guess. Anyway, nothing like that has ever happened. So now I’ll be taking one of the Portland chairs to the beach to trade it out and figuring out if the broken one can be repaired. Ugh.
❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
I found myself nodding and talking to this post. I know you will get that. You are useful to you, and the peacemaker. But most importantly to you. I learned a long while ago that whilst I love RD I am the most important thing to me, and everything I do, even if it benefits us both, is for me. All we have is ourselves. To quote Melodie Beattie ‘Something way more profound than happiness is peace.’
I don’t know if you have ever read her book ‘The Grief Club’. It is a book that I have on my ‘changed my life’ list and there are only 2 on there at the moment.
Huge hugs
Moisy
LikeLiked by 3 people
I hadn’t heard of the book. I will have to find it and read it. Coming to terms with what we have been through is a journey. A life journey. It’s not fair to ourselves to expect otherwise, but stress is harmful to our health, and yes, peace is practical and necessary. ❤️
LikeLiked by 3 people
I read that book completely by accident – had rented from a Library. I bought it! So that I can write notes in it. I do believe that you will love it too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m sure I will. So, when’s the best time to visit Ireland 😊.
So sorry about Wiglet. I haven’t been reading much, but catching snippets. It’s so difficult losing those innocent little beings.
❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ireland is truly beautiful, but there is so much to see come in the summer. Donegal stays light until after 11pm. If you go to Malin Head in late October you can see the northern lights. There are mountains and glens to hike up, and so much more ❤
LikeLike