I’m giving myself permission to feel really shitty today. I’m tired. I’m burnt out. I want more happiness in my life. The tears are welling up in the corners of my eyes right now, threatening to spill over, and it’s okay. My chest is tight. I feel like I want to run away. I’m in a spot where I’m not exactly sure the best way to get my happiness back. But I’ll keep trying to figure it out. When you’ve been betrayed in such a visceral way, it’s okay to feel it some days, deep in your bones, even years later.
I know partially at least what’s eating away at me. I’m not doing enough of what makes me happy because part of what made me happy before discovery was related to the people around me. I’m a really good mom, and a good wife (good sister, daughter, friend, etc…). I gave so much to my people and I’m so pleased with where my kids are right now. They’re wonderful. But I’m not as pleased with where my marriage is right now. I can’t pretend that Blue Eyes behaving the way he is is okay with me. He simply doesn’t prioritize me in his life. I still feel like that thing in his day that no matter how he behaves, I’ll still be here. Perhaps it’s not really because he believes I will be, but because he behaved so badly for so long that he has steeled himself for the eventuality that I will walk away. Don’t get too close. Or perhaps he just doesn’t possess that level of deep intimacy that I need.
Blue Eyes isn’t physically abusive in any way. Quite the opposite. He’s physically and emotionally needy, it’s his thing. You know, neglected as a child, abused, mistreated, etc… for all his work, he’s still very much the same little boy. Just this evening he told me he’s nervous about his dental appointment tomorrow. He says they’re going to yell at him. Really. It’s like he’s 5 years old. I know his sharing his feelings is good for him, but where in the fuck do those kinds of feelings originate. Not a healthy place that’s for sure. I want to send him down to LA, to the trauma therapist, but honestly, I’ve watched my sister manipulate the system her whole life. I’m beginning to think Blue Eyes will be just the same.
So when he’s home, Blue Eyes is most likely working, or instigating a mindfulness meditation, or walking the dog with his 12-step buddy, his best friend. The time he’s actually present with me is minuscule, and when he is present, he’s often talking about work, or he’s needy. So what are my partnership needs and when are they met you might ask? Good questions. All I really want is some quality time where he’s focused on me, even if we’re both just reading a book in bed together. There’s so many little ways he can show me he understands my needs, and wants to be with me, but mostly he’s got it wrong. Picking up my allergy meds at the pharmacy is not on my list of things that make me want to spend the next 30 years with him, for example. Sorting my trash can for recyclables on garbage night, for example is not one of them.
I’ve been trying to figure out a time when we can get away, just the two of us, for a couple days. Business travel is back in full swing… New York last week, LA next week, then Japan. Boston, and the list goes on. I’m not going on any of those trips. I’m tired. He has new people to travel with… I just wanted a couple days with him. We had talked about LA, but now LA is just him, and a 16 hour day. It didn’t need to be that way. We could’ve flown in on Sunday, spent a couple days around his meetings. Nope. Not in his plans.
So, I’m the wife he glorifies behind my back, which never bothered me before I found out about all the lies he told about me to other women. Now it makes me sick. I was chatting with A (new managing director) and we were having a rather personal chat about mothers… like Blue Eyes, hers is also a raging narcissistic bitch, apparently. A surmised that the reason Blue Eyes likes everyone to work from the office is because he gets lonely, left over childhood trauma. As she said it though, even though I said yes, perhaps you’re right, what I was really thinking was that Blue Eyes likes power and control and that’s why he wants everyone at the office. Power and control. Guess who doesn’t work from the office… me!