It’s okay to feel really bad some days

I’m giving myself permission to feel really shitty today. I’m tired. I’m burnt out. I want more happiness in my life. The tears are welling up in the corners of my eyes right now, threatening to spill over, and it’s okay. My chest is tight. I feel like I want to run away. I’m in a spot where I’m not exactly sure the best way to get my happiness back. But I’ll keep trying to figure it out. When you’ve been betrayed in such a visceral way, it’s okay to feel it some days, deep in your bones, even years later.

I know partially at least what’s eating away at me. I’m not doing enough of what makes me happy because part of what made me happy before discovery was related to the people around me. I’m a really good mom, and a good wife (good sister, daughter, friend, etc…). I gave so much to my people and I’m so pleased with where my kids are right now. They’re wonderful. But I’m not as pleased with where my marriage is right now. I can’t pretend that Blue Eyes behaving the way he is is okay with me. He simply doesn’t prioritize me in his life. I still feel like that thing in his day that no matter how he behaves, I’ll still be here. Perhaps it’s not really because he believes I will be, but because he behaved so badly for so long that he has steeled himself for the eventuality that I will walk away. Don’t get too close. Or perhaps he just doesn’t possess that level of deep intimacy that I need.

Blue Eyes isn’t physically abusive in any way. Quite the opposite. He’s physically and emotionally needy, it’s his thing. You know, neglected as a child, abused, mistreated, etc… for all his work, he’s still very much the same little boy. Just this evening he told me he’s nervous about his dental appointment tomorrow. He says they’re going to yell at him. Really. It’s like he’s 5 years old. I know his sharing his feelings is good for him, but where in the fuck do those kinds of feelings originate. Not a healthy place that’s for sure. I want to send him down to LA, to the trauma therapist, but honestly, I’ve watched my sister manipulate the system her whole life. I’m beginning to think Blue Eyes will be just the same.

So when he’s home, Blue Eyes is most likely working, or instigating a mindfulness meditation, or walking the dog with his 12-step buddy, his best friend. The time he’s actually present with me is minuscule, and when he is present, he’s often talking about work, or he’s needy. So what are my partnership needs and when are they met you might ask? Good questions. All I really want is some quality time where he’s focused on me, even if we’re both just reading a book in bed together. There’s so many little ways he can show me he understands my needs, and wants to be with me, but mostly he’s got it wrong. Picking up my allergy meds at the pharmacy is not on my list of things that make me want to spend the next 30 years with him, for example. Sorting my trash can for recyclables on garbage night, for example is not one of them.

I’ve been trying to figure out a time when we can get away, just the two of us, for a couple days. Business travel is back in full swing… New York last week, LA next week, then Japan. Boston, and the list goes on. I’m not going on any of those trips. I’m tired. He has new people to travel with… I just wanted a couple days with him. We had talked about LA, but now LA is just him, and a 16 hour day. It didn’t need to be that way. We could’ve flown in on Sunday, spent a couple days around his meetings. Nope. Not in his plans.

So, I’m the wife he glorifies behind my back, which never bothered me before I found out about all the lies he told about me to other women. Now it makes me sick. I was chatting with A (new managing director) and we were having a rather personal chat about mothers… like Blue Eyes, hers is also a raging narcissistic bitch, apparently. A surmised that the reason Blue Eyes likes everyone to work from the office is because he gets lonely, left over childhood trauma. As she said it though, even though I said yes, perhaps you’re right, what I was really thinking was that Blue Eyes likes power and control and that’s why he wants everyone at the office. Power and control. Guess who doesn’t work from the office… me!

21 thoughts on “It’s okay to feel really bad some days

  1. Hi my friend. It’s been a long long time since I checked to see if you’re writing.

    I just want to say now that he will never be who you want him to be, never give you what you want. He can’t. But I know you know that.

    I wish you a sweet and happy new year🍎🍯❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey you! How are you?! L’Shana Tovah. I’m super aware of his limitations, it is still very frustrating on some particularly dark days. I have been so overwhelmed with renting our beach house plus working twice as much as I want to at our business, so yeah, exhaustion has set in. I’m sending BE and our son off to Japan this weekend for a work trip without me so I can get some peace and quiet. 🤗

      Like

      • I am alright. I finally got on a plane outta here in May, went to Amsterdam which I madly loved. I have 3 more trips planned…Italy right after Thanksgiving for my #’&§^ 60th 🤯. Then the 2023 Bruce tour commences…FL in February, a bunch of shows here on the East Coast, then Zürich and Birmingham England in June. If you have any travel tips for London (particularly where to stay, it’s been many years since I’ve been) or around Zürich I would appreciate it! I may end up coming out your way for the Seattle and Portland shows in late February, my college roommate is in Seattle and I haven’t seen her in 13 years.
        Other than that, planning my corporate exit strategy. I have had just about enough.
        Would love to hang in NYC if you get the chance. Too bad you can’t come for fall at NYBG, it is magical.
        Enjoy your quiet time!!
        xo

        Like

    • Ugh somehow missed your comment SofaSA. Blue Eyes’ middle name is anxiety. I don’t think there is a day of his life that he doesn’t feel it. He’s currently on Adderall and sometimes I think it makes it worse. Without his drug, he really hasn’t found a way to calm himself. I mean he has meditation, but any calm from that doesn’t last long. It’s tiring. 🤗❤️

      Like

        • We’re in Oregon, so it’s been legal for years. I think we have more marijuana stores than Starbucks! 🤦🏻‍♀️ what type of marijuana does your husband use? Blue Eyes has a very unique system having been sick his whole childhood and missing his large intestine, so ingestibles affect him differently than most people. I’m interested though, please tell. Thanks for your support. xo

          Like

          • We partake in edibles (I make them myself) but we mostly use a bong which is the cleanest way to smoke it because I hate smoking – but it’s different with a bong. Indica strains are best for anxiety as it is calming, where as Sativa is more of a daytime strain (great for cleaning the house or being in nature!). Truly has been a game changer. Keep me posted!

            Liked by 1 person

            • Yes, I’m pretty through the not personal concept of what he did. Now it is more about him being a better partner now, without his drug of choice. I think I need to look into it for help with sleep. I’ve heard it can be helpful, but unfortunately I tend to have the opposite reaction to a lot of people. Ugh.

              Like

              • I initially got my medical card due to PTSD from what Mr. Perfect did because I could not sleep and when I did I had horrible nightmares. I was initially on a 10% THC (psychoactive) and 30% CBD (non-psychoactive) mix – it worked very well and from a medical producer. No grogginess, no hangover, just finally sleep ❤ good luck and please keep me posted xo

                Like

    • Love you back! Like you, I feel like people are tired of hearing me, especially BE. He still just changes the subject, ignores, walks away, etc… no matter how many times I’ve said it, it’s still too difficult for him to sit with me in my grief. He caused it and he just simply cannot face that fact. But those feelings definitely don’t disappear. We just learn to push them away. Some days I just don’t have the energy to push that hard. ❤️

      Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.