Journal Entry: April 18, 2014

We returned from our cruise vacation a few days ago and we are both sick. I am physically sick with an upper respiratory infection, and I am also very sick, and tired, of my husband’s last acting out partner calling our phones. She had called both our mobile phones numerous times while we were on our trip. According to my husband, she is a functional alcoholic who drinks and then rages. We get many of the phone calls in the middle of the night, always have (I just had no idea how crazy the crazy person was that called our home phone in the middle of the night, for years!) She works swing shift, so usually gets off work late at night or in the middle of the night. She then drinks and works herself up enough to call our phone(s). Apparently this has been her pattern for the better part of eight years. I realize I am really great at ignoring our phones, especially when I think it might be my in-laws. All these years I thought it was my Mother-in-Law torturing me. Now I realize we have an even crazier bitch to deal with. Gee, thanks hubby for bringing her into my life. I guess I have “loves to be tortured and treated like crap” tattooed on my forehead.

When we got home, there were numerous hang ups on our messaging machine and we saw from the caller ID log on our home phone, that she had called the home phone as well. Thankfully our son does not answer the home phone. Actually, generally no one answers the home phone. Why do I not just dump the thing? Anyway, knowing it was her was so upsetting. My husband FINALLY set the phone up so all her numbers are blocked and No Caller ID and Private calls are not accepted. What took you so long, “sweetheart.” Even though B’s therapist suggested (demanded) he not contact the delusional hoarding alcoholic whore (maybe he did not use those exact words) in any way, my husband decided to write a letter to her explaining that he is a sex addict and to implore her to stop calling. Really her phone calls are starting to drive us both insane. He had already sent her the skype message in February, but we’re pretty sure she didn’t believe him, or she is just that fucking crazy. This is the letter my husband wrote to her on plain white paper and mailed in a plain white envelope in his own handwriting and with no return address (although she knows where we live, SHE HAS BEEN TO OUR HOUSE!!!):

Letter Dated: April 17, 2014

As you have continued to try to communicate with me, and my family, ignoring my prior text message request, I am writing this letter for closure purposes. 

FIRST & FOREMOST, I LOVE MY WIFE. 

I am a sex addict. Everything I told you was a lie. I have no feelings for you that are real. This relationship was a lie and the result of a singular pursuit, a craving to fuel an addiction. It could of been anybody. Similar to an alcoholic, the sexual act was my drug of choice. My repeated lies were all part of a pathology to maintain and escalate the addiction. I did not and do not care about you. I do not and never have loved you. All my actions were all to fuel an addiction, resulting in an endless cycle of shame, despair, and sadness. My acting out was only exceeded by the violation of my core values and belief at great and horrific consequence.

I lied to you from the start. I continued to lie to you. My addiction was embodied in manipulation, power, and control fueled by anger and resentment. I suffer from multiple disorders and addictions. You were not special or unique but part of a addiction that continued to repeat itself with you and others. 

I am in treatment and recovery. Move on, there is no relationship to be had with me. I created a self-sabotaging secret life in order to cope with my childhood trauma and all the demons that went along with it. I have been acting out in similar patterns since I was 9 years old. You were merely a small, but very sick part of that secret. I have been continuously acting out in some form or another for most of my life.

I am an addict. It was not real. I had no moral or ethical grounding and made continuously bad choices. Like your past husband who is alcoholic I am an addict, a sexaholic. I never loved you.  I do not care about you. My relationship was never with you it was with the sex.

He mailed the letter yesterday. Although at first I felt a sort of sense of relief, like maybe this would finally work and I was proud of my husband for writing it, and sending it, as he knows how distraught I am, but then, fear set in. There is a reason the therapists do not want us contacting her. She is a crazy hoarding alcoholic whore who believes my husband is in love with her, even if he says he isn’t, which he has said to her face. I have a bad feeling about this.