Journal Entry: June 29, 2014

This is it, the last day of my husband’s intensive therapy program.

When Blue Eyes arrived at the peaceful spa pool at the resort where I was luxuriating in the 80+ degree weather, I knew immediately something was terribly wrong. He was supposed to have met me up at the car so we could drive over to Santa Barbara and check in to our favorite, luxurious hotel. Instead, he decided to come down to the spa and grab a bite before heading out of town. Normally this would have been a very pleasant surprise, if not for the look of sheer dejection on his face. I had spoken with him just a few hours before and he had been fine. Even though he had spent the better part of the past eight days in intensive therapy, diving deep as they say into the recesses of his wounded core, he had been handling it, learning, digging, feeling. Now I was scared.

Since the discovery of Blue Eyes’ secret addicted life, I have thought a lot about his brother. His suicide ended a heart-wrenching tale of a broken human being living in misery and depravity, but parading around in the guise of a happy and successful husband, father, and businessman. Depression is a serious condition that makes us feel like we do not want to live in this world any longer, no matter what others may think we should live for. I know, because in the past six months, since discovery, I have felt these feelings. I do not want to feel these feelings, but it is like I have been hit on the head with the reality that my life was partly a lie and that I will never get back what I have lost. Some days it hurts so badly, I just don’t think I can do it anymore. Blue Eyes is, of course, dealing with not only the realization that his childhood was really a lie and mostly it was full of abuse, neglect and humiliation, but he is also dealing with the fact that he hurt and betrayed many people, namely the one he supposedly cared for enough to spend the past 30 years with, and potentially the rest of his life. That IS depressing.

Apparently, The Director was in a real mood today. On this last and important day, the addicts were supposed to receive a plan for their ongoing treatment. Something concrete they could walk away with, next steps on their journey. In the end, among other things, The Director left Blue Eyes with a diagnosis of sex “offender” (not in legal terms, of course, but in psychological terms) and he recommended A FULL YEAR OF CELIBACY. The Director is attributing Blue Eyes’ sex offender diagnosis to the fact that Blue Eyes’ first two sex partners were women that worked with or for him. He held a certain power in the relationship, especially with the slutty secretary. At any moment, Blue Eyes could have fired her for not “performing,” and she could have sued his ass. She didn’t, but the abuse of power was there. I think The Director is merely trying to scare the shit out of Blue Eyes. Scare him straight, I guess, but the slutty secretary was a full on participant in the sexual relationship and hasn’t been in Blue Eyes’ life since 2001. She was never going to sue him. She wanted a relationship with him, and when he said no, she moved on. End of story. A slut, but not a victim.

There were other happenings this morning that made Blue Eyes feel unbalanced, besides the sex offender diagnois, but the one-year celibacy edict was confusing and felt punitive versus diagnostic, and Blue Eyes is clearly freaking out. I am a person who believes that we are all the masters of our own destiny and I was not concerned with the abstinence recommendation. Frankly, it sounded ridiculous to me: a married couple going for a full year without sexual intimacy. Fuck him (and after a year of forced abstinence, I might actually be desperate enough to do that, but I DIGRESS)! I am not a vulnerable sex addict looking for answers from people who supposedly know and I was ultimately not concerned with the edict, but with the resulting loss of respect my husband and I now had for this supposed expert. My concern was that if Blue Eyes needed to go a year without sex of any kind in order to recover from his addiction, perhaps he needed to be checked into an inpatient facility, immediately. From my husband’s minimalist account and my working knowledge of The Director, I felt like The Director was being a bully. A number of people have a love/hate relationship with Blue Eyes. They love him because he is lovable, smart, kind, generous, funny, outgoing… they hate him because he is arrogant, dishonest, judgmental, and doesn’t like to follow rules. In my opinion, I believe The Director was trying to shock my husband into getting serious about his recovery. I just cannot make any sense of it otherwise.

I’m sure it will take Blue Eyes some days, if not weeks, to come out of the funk that was perpetrated by The Director in a matter of minutes. Sad. Blue Eyes has a long way to go before he takes his own life by the horns and doesn’t let go and ceases to allow others to be his higher power, but this is a lesson Blue Eyes must learn on his own. I am not sure how much longer I can ‘not so patiently’ sit by and wait for my husband to come to this realization. I know he was abused as a child, I know his addiction stems directly from his childhood wounds, I know his habits run deep and his negative behaviors are strong in him, however, I cannot let my life be manipulated by his inability to step up and take action in his own, adult life.

We both decided that we will take a couple days and turn off all our technology. No phones, no laptops, just detox. We have both had a hell of a week. This ten days is the longest we have gone without sex in years. And frankly, I am not sure I will last 365 minutes without sex with my husband, much less 365 days!!!