Journal Entry: Monday, June 30, 2014

I was sitting on the toilet in a gorgeous tile bathroom at the Four Seasons Biltmore Santa Barbara. Blue Eyes was standing at one of the sinks, shaving. As I looked at him from my vulnerable spot, I realized he had probably shared these same strangely intimate moments with his last acting out partner. They had been in numerous hotel rooms together over the five years she accompanied him on business trips around the world. As I looked at him, the whole realization that I had lost that very special part of my life, the part where I have a husband who I love dearly and who loves me and is loyal and faithful and who does not share hotel rooms with other women, or share his body, or his intimate thoughts, that is all gone. That precious image of my life is shattered into a million pieces.

The tears started to flow, I felt like it was once again time to go off to that place where the pain can’t get in, where my thoughts fade off into oblivion, where I am not hurting. Blue Eyes offered to run me a bath. I feebly nodded my head in assent. He ran a very hot bath. I should have waited to get in, but part of me wanted to feel that scalding, hot water envelop me, burn away all the negative thoughts that were circling my brain.

As I sat in the water, I could feel my blood pressure rising, I could feel my face become flushed and my heart start to race. Suddenly, I was having trouble breathing. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t utter a sound. Blue Eyes noticed right away, and he lifted me up and brought me a towel. As I looked into his eyes, I burst into tears. I sobbed so deep and loud, guttural. I let myself get to that place where I cannot control it. I want to scream from the pain when I am there, in that place.

I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe. Blue Eyes helped me out of the bath and I went to the closest chair and sat there. I’m pretty sure he was sitting in front of me trying to comfort me, but it was like I could see right through him. I could see through him to the other side. I wanted to be free of him, of that room, I just wanted to walk away and be gone. I felt trapped and then the images started to flood my head, images of women, and sex, and hotel rooms, and I remembered  all the happiness and safety that had been stolen from me. I went away.

I woke up in bed and it was dark. I felt empty and depleted and there was nowhere to go.