As previously mentioned, yesterday was Blue Eyes’ Birthday. We’re on vacation.
I knew he would need to do some work on this trip because we had arbitration last week, which put us both behind, AND, he can’t take a 10-day vacation these days without working. Sad to some, not sad to us. We’re short handed and our company is important to us and our livelihood, AND I’m married to an unrecovered workaholic. It’s not perfect, but far better than living with an unrecovered sex addict? Compromise much?
But on his birthday, he promised he only had one work call to take. The rest of the day would be family time. Funny thing though. It was HIS birthday, so I say people get to do what they want on their birthday. Just not sure it’s healthy to want to work all day on ones birthday? That phone call was at 9:00am. But then I turned around after lunch, and there he was out on the balcony on the phone. At first I thought maybe it was a birthday call from a friend, but I looked at his mannerisms and his tone. He was talking quietly, and to the side, away from the door. This wasn’t a birthday call.
Suddenly I had one of those moments… that awful emptiness in the pit of my stomach feeling that I was looking at that other guy. The guy who got hits from clandestine relationships and talking to women on the phone. He did it, before, while he was with us. He talked with the other women on birthday trips, and anniversary trips.
This moment passed quickly, but the little trauma bits are still there and he still chose to step outside without saying a word versus, “hey, I know I said one phone call but I’d really like to talk with Robert about this one client. I’ll keep it quick.”
His instinct is still to take it outside because he was doing something he either knew wasn’t healthy, or he knew I wouldn’t like. Problem is, if he had just told me what he was doing, honestly and up front, I wouldn’t have had the feeling. And that’s it.
And then the compulsive side of me got to thinking… did I have that sick gut feeling because my instincts are telling me he’s crossing a line, or is it indeed residual trauma. And this is the betrayal gift that keeps on giving. Not only not knowing which instincts to trust, but even having all these thoughts in the first place.
He could make it easier, but because his instincts are the opposite of mine, he doesn’t. I’m not sure why he still thinks taking his phone, going to another room, and talking quietly would be anything but triggering?