I’m currently sitting on another plane heading down to Los Angeles. Blue Eyes was supposed to be the one on the plane. He was scheduled to be home for the weekend, to spend a little time in his own home, with me and The Peacemaker and his dog. I was planning a barbecue with my parents. The weather in Portland has been beautiful. We have a new Trex deck. It’s super nice. Soon the weather won’t allow for enjoying meals outside…

Let me back track a couple weeks. Post my mother in law’s funeral, no one thought it wise to leave my father in law alone. He was crying all day, and confused, and he wasn’t eating, and he still had covid. Being at that house, where so much bad happened, there was an overwhelming negative energy to me. Couple that with my sister in law causing all kinds of turmoil for everyone, and I didn’t want to stay, but I did. I got a hotel room for me and let The Peacemaker go back home. I spent a couple days going through a few of my mother in law’s cupboards, with the shredder nearby. She kept everything. There were thank you notes from 30 years ago. She also had copies of all the negative emails between her and Blue Eyes, printed out. On the other hand, she also had pages and pages of my old personal family blog printed out. Posts about a Valentine’s Day trip to London Blue Eyes and I took many years ago, pictures of my garden, and of The Peacemaker when he played youth football. So strange.

In those cupboards I also found copies of the in laws retirement/investment accounts and a beneficiary list. We knew the sister had been working against Blue Eyes for years, but it was clear by the list of heirs just how effective she had been. She, her daughter and her step daughter, the dead brother’s son, and The Pragmatist were the only beneficiaries. No Blue eyes, no Peacemaker. It didn’t come as a surprise to us, and Blue Eyes has always considered their money poison. We don’t need money, but honestly, putting one of our children in the will, and leaving the other one out, due to no fault of his own, is cruel.

Prior to me finding the paperwork, the sister had been beside herself, worried that her parents (mother and step father) were leaving all their money to the long time housekeeper since they seemed to hate both their surviving children. It was all getting to be too much, so I showed her the letter and suggested it should ease her worries. Both she and her husband stared at the letter and then they both said, “the Peacemaker isn’t on here.” No mention of Blue Eyes. Even once they had metabolized that most of the money would end up going to her and her daughters, she did not say, —when the time comes, we’ll make sure this is handled fairly. Nope. I’m sure inside she was beside herself with relief.

But then I think she started to realize that everything that had transpired had been her mother’s doing. Now she was faced with only the father left to make his own decisions and with his son there, his actual flesh and blood, she might be in trouble. She doesn’t care about feelings, she cares about money. This is how she was raised. This is how she was trained. None of these kids received the love and nurturing they needed. The younger brother was bi polar and at 44 years old, took his own life. Blue Eyes is a sex addict. The sister, well she’s a very unappealing clone of her mother.

Blue Eyes is just muddling through with his curmudgeon of a father trying to help handle some of the more challenging aspects of his Dad’s life partner suddenly dying after 62 years. He wants a relationship with his Dad that had been sabotaged for decades. That’s all he wants. The sister is now walking a tight rope as everyone knows, her step father, the man who adopted her at 5 years old, doesn’t like her. He never has, and he’s not shy about it. I have taken to calling this mess a fucking circus. The Peacemaker calls it a shit show.

I hadn’t planned to return to the in laws house unless it was to spend time with my boys, but unfortunately, The Pragmatist contracted covid, again, and was sick at home in Brooklyn, so it ended up that The Peacemaker and I covered Grandpa duty while Blue Eyes was in Portland entertaining clients late last month. We did fine with Grandpa, and The Peacemaker was able to connect with a man he has never really known. Sure he visited them often when he was younger, but Grandma ran the show, and she was quite mean to him. I still don’t get it. He’s the sweetest kid, but he’s not his older brother, the precocious one, the kiss up. Grandma was very much into choosing and a narcissist always chooses the kiss up.

So, back to current. Blue Eyes was supposed to come home for a long weekend, but then yesterday he was having an in depth conversation with his father. The Peacemaker has been helping out with some of Grandpa’s financial needs. He created a budget on excel of monthly expenses with fun graphics. He saw how much cash Grandpa had sitting around and suggested a plan for earning more interest. Blue Eyes’ dad then asked, “whatever happened with The Peacemaker, and college. Why did he drop out.”

Blue Eyes then went into a detailed discussion of how we had to pick up The Peacemaker from school because he was suffering from serious anxiety and depression. He had been a Sophomore in high school when his uncle committed suicide. I rushed up to Seattle to help the Chinese widow because no one else would. My kids were left home. I will always regret this decision. His last two years of high school, The Peacemaker started showing signs of depression. We desperately tried to get him to go to therapy. He wouldn’t. He missed a lot of days of school. He still somehow managed to get into a really good college, but his troubles were too great and he was too far from home. Part way through his Sophomore year of college, we picked him up and brought him home. He was addicted to marijuana, yes that’s a real thing. He went through the entire disclosure process of Blue Eyes’ addiction and he suffered mightily, but bless his heart, he kicked the marijuana and has dealt with his worst demons. He’s now a completely functioning adult who works for our company. He’s also incredibly smart, and sweet and I love having him around.

So back to Grandpa. I’m not sure exactly what was said, because Blue Eyes was so upset when he called me, he was crying. Even he seemed disoriented. His dad had said something to the affect that Blue Eyes had three sons and our oldest son committed suicide. But it wasn’t Blue Eyes’ son, it was Blue Eyes’ brother. It was Grandpa’s son. I’m pretty sure he’s just not emotionally capable at this time of dealing with the fact that his youngest child took his life and the death reverberated through his family affecting our child in such a profound way. Blue Eyes tried to explain, but his Dad just sat there. He most likely shut down, dissociated. I know that feeling well. Then Blue Eyes called me… and here we are, me, going back down to Los Angeles to be with my husband. To stand by the side of this man who hurt me and betrayed me. Because I love him, and it’s the right thing to do.