Journal Entry: Friday, January 17, 2014

Part of the “fun” of this whole sex addiction “thing,” is that the addict makes really, really, really stupid mistakes. For example, when his older acting out partner tells him he does not need to wear a condom because she already went through menopause (he was 41 at the time, she was 49), instead of saying, oh but of course WE still need to protect ourselves (since they are both liars, neither really knows how many people or what kind of people the other has slept with or even the validity of a 49 year old woman having gone completely through menopause, a lot of women can still have babies at 49, HELLO!!!), he says, HOT DAMN, NO CONDOMS… and proceeds to have intermittent, unprotected sex with her for eight years! Um hmm. Oh yes, what a delight for me to realize not only has my husband destroyed the basic tenets of our marriage by lying to me and cheating on me, but he has also put my health on the line as well. THANK GOD HE DOESN’T HAVE CHILDREN OUTSIDE OUR MARRIAGE. WHAT AN IDIOT!!!

After yet another embarrassing and humiliating conversation with my sex addict husband, he scheduled a visit to the county health clinic for this morning. I drove him and waited outside. While he was filling out the paperwork at the clinic, she called him. He did not answer, but he immediately texted me about it and it sent both of us into a state of shock and panic. She keeps calling. She calls my phone too, but never leaves a message and neither of us has the desire or nerve to answer the phone. He broke things off with her over five months ago and told her he felt like his desire to see her for sex felt like an addiction, not a real relationship. He told her that was it. He would never contact her again. Apparently she believed him this time. She became angry and belligerent, he has not communicated with her since, but she still calls. She has now exposed their secret, for whatever motive. Why does she keep calling?

Anyway, as I sat in the car waiting for this latest nightmare to be over I thought, if Facebook posts were really truly real life, today’s post for me might read something like this: Waiting outside the health clinic for my sex addict husband who has been cheating on me for 15 years and having unprotected sex, to finish with his STD testing. Booya!!!

With all the phone calls from her, I have become increasingly paranoid. I am constantly scanning the crowd for her even though I am not really sure what she looks like. I have seen one online headshot photo from her real estate website that is the same photo my husband and I looked at over nine years ago, and I sort of saw her when I drove by her house the other day, but honestly, I barely glanced that way for fear she would see me, and I’m pretty sure she knows exactly what I look like. I still cannot really believe this woman is someone my husband would have sex with, so maybe I am just scared of everyone and everything now. That is kind of what it feels like. I am afraid of everything now.

I have a new car and the sales guy set up my phone on the car with the Bluetooth (or whatever—I am not very technically inclined). I cannot figure out how to answer my phone without it going to the car… and because I often listen to the car radio at a pretty loud volume, sometimes when the phone rings in the car, it is REALLY loud and that also fries my nerves. Once the phone rings in the car, even if I push the button on my phone that says I want to answer it by phone, it just doesn’t seem to notice. I am not a big fan of mobile phones in general and really not a fan of hands free chatting while in the car. For the first time ever, however, I have been taking hands-free calls in my car. While I am waiting for my husband outside the clinic, my brother calls me on my mobile and I nearly lose it, it scares the crap out of me and puts me on edge. I already mentioned that I work and that my husband is a successful CEO. He is the CEO of his own company and I am a Senior Vice President. I have also hired a number of family members to work for us. Not sure whether I have mentioned that I have ten siblings and I love them all and I feel so isolated because I do not feel comfortable telling any of them, much less any of my four parents. My youngest brother (almost two decades younger than me as a matter of fact) calls me while I am waiting outside the health clinic for my sex addict husband to get his STD tests. My brother, who works for us, has a business question. I try to answer the best I can but frankly I have not been myself since last Saturday and my brain does not want to focus on his question, or business, or my life. It is hard for me to ground myself and I don’t think I even sound like myself. He asks me what is wrong. I sit there frozen, only my eyes are darting around taking in my surroundings, the buildings, the people walking by in the sunshine, talking, laughing. I feel like I need to flee. He asks me if I am still there. Through my silent tears, I manage to gurgle out a few words: I can’t talk to you right now. He knows there is something drastically wrong. I don’t even think about it, I spill my guts. I tell him everything. Of course I am fully aware that my husband is his boss and also his brother-in-law. Someone he has known since he was two years old!!! His reaction is shock and anger. I have to pull myself together enough to let him know my wishes. My wishes for him, my little brother, are that he not treat my husband (his boss) any differently than he did before. That his relationship with my husband is the same as it has always been. That he needs to put the frustration and anger that he is feeling because this man hurt and betrayed his sister (and lied to everyone) aside and try to understand that his brother-in-law is sick and that I want him to be part of my support system and that will include forgiveness and compassion. He says he doesn’t know if he can do it. But I know he can. I have faith in him or I would not have told him.

I cannot believe what my life has become. I am now relying on my baby brother for strength. My support system in this madness has now grown to two people. I am finishing my conversation with my brother as my husband gets into the passenger seat. My husband hears my brother’s voice and sees the tears streaming down my face and he knows. He knows there is now another person in his world that knows his deepest darkest secrets, and he is angry.