“No man is worth your tears, but once you find one that is, he won’t make you cry.” -Anonymous
Journal Entry: June 11, 2014
D-Day was exactly five months ago today. I have been in one form of therapy or another for nearly the entire five months since then. I have been in intensive trauma therapy for approximately 15 hours so far, as well as individual 50 minute therapy sessions locally approximately one to two times per week for the past two months. Some of the therapy has been traumatizing, some has been wonderfully enlightening and helpful. I will keep plugging along until I get my happiness back. Not sure how long that will take. Here are some of the things I have learned so far:
1) My childhood was not bad, I am not a bad person, or a bad wife. What my husband did, and what my husband is, has nothing to do with me. He was broken when I met him. I hope he truly wants to fix himself, otherwise, I will move forward without him.
2) I thought I was an incredibly strong person. I quickly found out my strength, as an adult, was partially reliant on the integrity of my perceived life partner of the past 30 years. After learning that the fidelity, honesty, and respect I thought I had from my partner was a facade, I quickly crumbled. I am gaining my strength back without the faulty support of my husband.
3) Affairs do NOT only happen in unhappy marriages. My husband was not unhappy in our marriage. He will tell you that himself. He never thought I would find out, so he never really contemplated the consequences of his actions. Like, if my wife finds out about the horrible things I am perpetrating on our marriage, I will most likely lose my 30-year relationship with her as well as the respect of my kids, and… he just kept right on thinking we would never find out, for 15 years. Unfortunately, since he decided to embark on such a disastrous relationship with a horrifying woman, we did find out.
4) I now also know that men lie to their mistresses and apparently they generally all tell very similar lies like, my wife doesn’t love me anymore, my wife is too busy with the kids to notice me and I am lonely, it’s like we have a business arrangement, or we don’t have sex, or my wife doesn’t like sex (who would marry someone that doesn’t like sex???), or my wife isn’t as good at sex as you are, or I love you, or I would leave my wife if it wasn’t for the kids… I don’t want to be a deadbeat Dad. Gee, convenient that all these men married women who didn’t like sex, weren’t good at it, or suddenly fell out of love with them. And how selfless that all these guys are so set on being great Dads and that is why they don’t leave their family for the mistress. Sure. Whatever.
5) I had never really pondered what I would do if my husband cheated on me, because I ignorantly thought he never would. I would have assumed that if my husband cheated on me, it would have been because he fell out of love with me and into love with another woman and was too cowardly to be honest about his feelings. Since he always seemed madly in love with me, and we never stopped making love, or sharing intimacy, or being partners, I never assumed he had fallen out of love or would need to cheat with another woman. I would not have guessed that he was a sex addict. Not in a million years. I did not even know what that was.
6) I always thought that if a man was going to cheat on his wife, it would be with a younger, prettier, fitter, nicer, basically better version of his wife. I have now come to realize, this is certainly not always the case, especially with my husband. What a fool. I have told him numerous times that he is an idiot. If he was going to risk everything, why risk it for a broken down, angry, older, smoking, alcoholic, single woman who lives in a slum. Not only was she angry and manipulative, and blackmailed him for years, but when he called it off, she called me, and now stalks me? WTF? Why? This just does not make sense to me and I guess one of the many things that enable me to truly believe my husband is an addict. I am not making excuses for him. I know he is a cheater. He put in the Craig’s List Ad. He kept going back to her. He is fucking nuts!
7) I cannot change my husband, no matter how much I want that change and no matter how much that change is required for our marriage to continue.
8) Sex addicts are like any other addict. The addiction is just as powerful and just as insidious. Sex addiction is a life long battle.
9) I believe my husband has the inner strength to be the man he wants to be. Time will tell if he truly wants to tap into that strength, the road less traveled, or whether he will choose the easier and less noble path.
10) The cracks in our marriage that are caused by my husband’s lies and betrayal can never be fully repaired. We will need to build a new relationship based on brutal honesty and respect in order for our marriage to continue.
11) I actually do have the strength to be betrayed again and keep moving forward, however, I will not continue moving forward with my betrayer.
12) I need to learn to manage my pain so that it does not reach the explosive point at which I feel like self-harm is the only way to relieve it.
13) My mental health and physical health are the highest priorities in my life.
14) My true happiness comes from within me and only I have the power to allow myself to be anything other than happy. I do not need to be married to my husband to be happy in my life. I am happy with myself.
15) As a human being, I am able to feel abject disappointment and sadness, and live with fear every day, and still move forward.
16) I have an unlimited capacity to love people, even people who have wronged me.
17) I am a survivor. I will survive. I have survived.