Journal Entry: September 11, 2014
This term, “mind-blowing” sex has been ruminating in my head for months now. Today is the 8-month anniversary of dday. Early in my trauma journey, I read some blogs and articles by mistresses. I was trying to understand why women cheat with married men, especially single women seeking out married men. There are a lot of articles from psychologists attempting to explain many of the most common reasons. The psychological reasons make sense to me, but they do not match up well with what the actual mistresses write about how they feel, or why they are doing it. The mistress posts are dripping with terms like multiple orgasms, take your breath away passion, and mind blowing sex. The other women only have a few “stolen” hours with these men (by their own admission, the hours are stolen), and they believe they are giving the married men something they couldn’t get from anyone else. I thought, WTF, are these women delusional, or so desperate for sex, that they think every encounter should include hours of “passionate” lovemaking and multiple orgasms, and nothing of real substance. The more they elaborate on orgasm after orgasm and the mind-blowing sex, the more I don’t believe it. One woman even claimed “her man” had six orgasms, and she had nine, in ONE EVENING! From my experience, most human bodies just do not work that way.
Surely the other women realize many men are opportunists and use sex for coping, for recreation, for medication, because they can. There are so many women out there willing to give it to them. All the men need to do in order to lure and keep the women is pretend sex is love, or convince the women that the sex carries with it a deep emotional attachment, or if the men are more broken than opportunistic, the sex with this particular mistress will solve some problem or other. Why do these women believe they are something more than just a booty call? Or do they? If they truly believed they were something more, why not demand something more than sexual encounters. A normal, healthy intimate relationship includes sex, of course, but it is just part of that loving relationship, not the WHOLE RELATIONSHIP. Some of these women, when things finally go south, and they inevitably do, end, even admit that they were being used for sex, but when they are in the relationship, they refuse to acknowledge what they are, a sex toy. I realize I am generalizing, but honestly, most of the blogs I read were pretty identical. Some of the women even said they did not want to know anything about the wife, or they did not ever want to see or meet the wife, that they would never tell the wife because the man needed to choose them without the drama of the wife finding out and that precipitating an ugly divorce, etc… But these women often do talk about the wives in very general terms and very generally derogatory terms. I read numerous entries with phrases like, ‘I can’t believe she has this great man and she neglects him, or treats him badly, or doesn’t want to have sex with him, or just wants to spend his money, etc… ‘ By their own admission, they do not REALLY know anything about the wife, merely what the man has told them. In the end, they realize the married man has been lying to them all along, but the mistress still does not want to admit that the man was lying about the wife. Clearly, I take issue with this part of the “game,” because I was extensively lied about and those lies precipitated the phone call to me, the stalking, and the “Kat blaming.” Funny how this woman is so mad at ME, because she lost a game to me that I did not even know I was playing. How pathetic. She lost because the rules were all fucked up in the first place. HE WAS LYING! Ugh, how do I get off on these tangents?
Now, back to the mind-blowing sex. Are these women so self absorbed that they think they are the best lovers these men have encountered? I feel pretty confident that all men who cheat are liars. They are obviously lying to the wife, but they are also very much lying to the mistress. I read two mistress blogs from beginning to, well, to break up. Not to the end of their blog, because, they are still out there, still seeking out validation from men, married, or whatever, still writing about it and also seeking validation from other mistresses. And they still seem miserable. I mean, they will write about how wonderful they feel when having sex with our husbands, and how sexy the men find them, etc…, but they do not by any stretch of the imagination sound happy. They do also like to write about how miserable the men are when they are not with them, but I don’t think they even believe that. They still think they are better lovers than most “wives.” In their loneliness, they troll sex chat rooms and dating sites, and pretend to be things that they are not. I read one mistress blog where she professes over and over to be every man’s fantasy, but as you read further, she admits to numerous sexual acts she won’t do, all of which even I gladly do, so she is certainly not my husband’s total fantasy package. What she is, is a whore that will have secret sex with my husband, and that is where the mind-blowing sex comes in. What they are having is obviously real sex, but it is not a real relationship, it is a byproduct of the sick games that are being played. This kind of shit works for a lot of guys, and the women are just rationalizing. My husband gets off on the secret life, the sneaking around, the planning, the plotting, the sexting, the fantasizing, so when the real thing happens, they get together, he is pretty much ready to explode from anticipation. Yes, this makes me sick, but I have to face the reality. For me, the mind-blowing sex the mistresses are talking about is a euphemism for secret, dirty, betrayal sex. She gets off because she is getting her man fix, whether emotionally, or physically, or both and she is selfishly taking something that doesn’t belong to her and closing off that part of her that knows the whole thing is a lie. He is getting sex from someone other than his wife, and for the moment, that does blow his mind. Until it is over, and then there is guilt and shame and the need to tell more lies in order to keep her on the hook, in case he wants to come back for more.
My husband and I have great sex. We role play, play out fantasies, we try a lot of different positions. We both love foreplay, and oral, and everything else. I would say in the past 8 months, we have had mind-blowing sex a few times. Our mind blowing sex is the kind where you can’t catch your breath, and at the end, you say, WOW, what was that? It is a treat, an occasional gift, it is not sustainable, but it is special when there is that much passion after 30 years of friendship and love. Mind blowing sex makes us smile, and laugh at each other that at our age, we can still feel like 20 year olds. My husband did not have this kind of mind blowing sex with his affair partner. He had the secret, this is totally wrong and we are hurting people and I am going to feel like shit after, kind of sex. We have good to great sex the rest of the time, and along with all that, we have been building back the loving relationship he believed we always had and that I thought we had until January 11, 2014. The fact that my husband had a secret sex life with a delusional woman who faked her orgasms and was willing to engage in lascivious sexting, secret sexual phone calls, and ritualistic sex fantasies with a sex addict who gave her absolutely nothing of substance, and she calls that a relationship, is MIND BLOWING.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
I think you are probably right about reading blogs. I guess I do know what it is that drives them to do what they do and maybe I just want to see confirmation and their thought process. I do think that People in adulterous situations really do live in a fog. No matter how clever our husbands are at hiding stuff they have to know that some day the truth will emerge. Was BE happy that it was all out in the open? Mine was. I guess he realised that it was wrong blah blah but did not have the strength of character to do anything about it.
Talking with the AP especially if she is insane will not be worth it because nothing she will say will make any sense to you and there is no way she will comprehend you. I am in contact with ‘Betty’ and she does not make any sense but I she drinks so I dont get a lot from her. When I did ask her if she would like H back she said if he confessed and explained things to her she might consider it. He cheated on her with other women. Hahahahaha…..confession and explanation from a serial cheater? I thought that was a bit dumb 🙂
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Okay, you are right, she does sound dumb. 🙂 And who does she think she is, a confession and explanation to her? She should be able to figure that out by now, she is not as special as she thinks she is. Gaw. My husband’s OW is a big drinker… an alcoholic actually. She was also married to an alcoholic. I’m pretty sure she knew there was something pretty wrong with Blue Eyes too. When she was calling all the time, he said she was probably just drunk and “in a mood.” He felt like she was moving on, except when she was drunk. I never believed that. She did not sound drunk when she called my mobile. Also, once we called the police last July, she stopped calling… so all of the sudden, she had control? She did not move on, thus the showing up on our plane from Hawaii last month. Yikes, she is a scary one. I wish I had a picture of her, I would post it. And, yes, he felt a huge sense of relief at his secret life finally being revealed since he lived with shame and guilt every day. Unfortunately, he still managed to keep lots of secrets, which I just do not understand. Just spill it already, it’s about telling the truth, not the stupid sex acts. He still doesn’t want to talk about any of it although he will if I ask questions. A work in progress…
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Oh…..our sex life is now the best it has ever been.
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My H had one serious AP where he says he actually thought about leaving me. So, we talk about this quite a bit. I ask him what he loved about her and his answer is so simple. ‘ that she liked me’
I feel sorry for her. Her husband had died.mshe was lonely. She introduced herself to my H in a coffee shop and from there the relationship blossomed. He of course told her that his wife did not like sex and was too involved with the children and that he was very unhappy. So they have wonderful times. Lunch every day. He goes to her house most evenings for sex then comes home. They do a few business trips together. He spent one weekend day talking her for a drive. He never paid for a damn thing ( I control finances) this is for 6 years?????? One day she realises that he will never leave his wife and so she finally moves on. She gets a boyfriend. But she still continues to have an EA with my husband for the next four years with one hook up in that time. How in hell does a woman keep hoping for 6 yrs that he will leave his wife. If a man says he is unhappy in his marriage yet fails to leave his wife at what point would the OW think it is bullshit? He says that whenever she brought up the subject of his leaving his wife he became very good at diversion. Dumb much? At what point does a woman realise she is just being used as a fantasy sex object? That it was just the fun and excitement of the chase and the clandestine meetings that gave him gratification not to mention the easy accessible sex. I did like sex but have to admit that because I felt he was so detached from me that there was little connection happening between us. After DDay my h accused me of not giving him sex and that sometimes we would go a whole week without it……poor man!!!!!! Those weeks were usually when I had a period wtf!!!!! It is just now after all the shit has hit the fan and we are reconnecting emotionally and he is being his kind and compassionate old self do I realise just how far apart we had grown. He now realise that in the point where he made the decision to act selfishly that if he had just communicated his thoughts to me we possibly could have avoided a lot of this crap and all we needed to do was to sit down and talk and be honest about our feelings.
I have had some communication with the AP and she strikes me as still being sad and said she says she regrets what part she took in the mess but she also seems a bit thick. Nice…….but thick.
I have given him plenty of opportunity to go back to her if he wants but he has said he no longer loves her and says it was just all a fantasy. If he had really loved her he would have left me.
I think I need to read some other woman blogs.
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Well, there is a lot here to comment on, but I will focus on a couple things 1) reading most other woman blogs will piss you off, because they are delusional and you will want to scream HE IS LYING TO YOU! 2) Sometimes I think the women are not so much thick, as broken. My husband was broken enough to rationalize I would never find out about his secret life. He knew what he was doing had nothing to do with me, or our marriage, but he still used them as excuses with the OW. The other woman is also broken and needy, so his lies sound like truth to her because it is what she wants to hear. I know I sound like a broken record, but I would love to sit down with my husband’s last AP and have a nice civil discussion about reality, but she is INSANE. Personality disorder has been mentioned a few times by our therapists when my husband describes her. I’m glad your husband realizes his “love affair,” was a big fantasy. That is a hell of a lot of progress!
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Did reading blogs written by the other woman help you at all?
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You know, Janine, I would have to say, as frustrating as the process was, it did eventually help me to understand generally how mistresses feel about the man, the wife, and especially about how mistresses feel about themselves. Although everyone is unique, there were some running themes. I stopped following all single women mistress blogs a while ago because I satisfied my curiosity. I do now follow a couple of ‘married women cheating with married men’ blogs. I find them intriguing from a human perspective and I have also become attached to the stories, wanting to find out how it all turns out, but I have no interest in hearing anymore about single women rationalizing their behavior with married men.
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You are an amazing woman and I have so enjoyed reading your blog. I have learnt a lot from it and have read some parts out to my husband. I look forward to following you as you continue on your journey..
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Thank you so much for your kind comments. I started this blog for myself. I had been journaling since dday, but just wanted to get it “out.” My journey is my own, obviously, but if any of it can help others, it makes me feel like the blog has two good and honest purposes. I have learned a lot from other bloggers. We are quickly approaching the one-year anniversary of dday and I am shocked. Shocked at how quickly the time went, and shocked at how much my husband’s sex addiction diagnosis, disclosures and recovery has absorbed our lives. Just a year ago, we were celebrating Christmas and the New Year with family, having a blast, enjoying each other. I was more in love with my husband than the day I married him. I didn’t think we had any real problems. I was absolutely clueless to his disease and his secret life. It still makes me sit down and go, is this real? What IS real? I know I need to put in the time now on myself and our marriage if I want to save it, and my husband knows he needs to put in the time on his recovery if he hopes to get through this with the most precious parts of his life, a life he has spent decades building. It is so difficult from all aspects. It has been painful to watch my husband this year trying to survive without his addiction. I always picture him juggling a bunch of balls over his head and then the day the OW called, she yanked down one of those balls and he has not been able to get the rest of the balls back up in the air. He is working very hard and I am working very hard to remain healthy and optimistic. There are a couple crucial things I believe, and those are that he loves me, and that he wants to recover from his addiction. I’m proud of him. Thanks for following!
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Oh good, I don’t think I can be considered a ‘delusional whore’ then. Well, I never once had delusions like that at least. I’m not saying I’m not delusional. Nor am I excusing any of my whorish behavior. But at least I knew that the sex AP had with his wife was much better than what we had.
I dream of this mind blowing sex you speak of. Rock on you party animals. Glad you can connect so well after so
many years, and such excruciating pain.
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You know I wrote this before I had ever seen your blog, right 🙂 ? Of course my situation has nothing to do with yours and when I typed this in from my September journal entry, I actually thought of you, Lily. Not that you care, but I do. I do not associate you with the women I am writing about here. Although I feel bad for Brian’s wife, I think your situation is incredibly difficult (and different from these other blogs and my situation) and I write about my husband’s affair partner with much disgust and disdain because of what she has represented to my husband for the past eight years. But I do realize she has some serious issues of her own. Thank goodness he never told her that when he was going on a trip with me, that he would rather be with her. That did not happen. Also, one of my weaknesses, especially earlier in this process, was reading these mistress blogs. I think I was still trying to punish myself, basically, when you are cheated on, no matter how secure you are in yourself or your marriage, you feel like somehow it is your fault. I thought this too. Reading the mistress blogs helped cure me of those thoughts. I could see their delusional thinking so clearly. I think they could too, once their relationships were over. By “mistress blog” I am speaking of the single women out there who actually write the things I said above. Who prey on, or by circumstance end up with, married men and then trash the wives to make themselves feel better. They are in a whole different ballgame.
Also, one of the strangest aspects of our relationship since discovery and then through many heartbreaking disclosures, is that I have always wanted to be intimate with my husband. I did before his addiction was diagnosed, and I still do. I honestly have never looked at another man, never wanted or needed to. I feel like I am an anomaly sometimes. I cannot believe how many people are cheating. I cannot believe my husband is a sex addict. We still struggle with many aspects of our marriage and I have issues every single day. I think about the betrayal every single day, but I have never not wanted to make love with my husband. If I thought my husband loved another woman, that it wasn’t just about secret sex and feeding his sex addiction, our marriage would be over.
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I did forget you were writing about this from the past. Reading through those blogs…those women are crazy. And wow – yes. Delusional. I can unswrstand your disgust and venom towards them.
I am glad you havent lost that physical connection with your husband. That is a huge hurdle to get past, and youve never even had that hurdle – despite all the other shit you’ve got going on.
Somehow, despite my husband knowing I am in love with another man, he is wanting to work things out with me. It amazes me. And I cant wait to get to post about all things after d-day.
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I would say I have had a number of days where I feel disgust and venom towards my husband’s last AP, not really the women who write the blogs. I do not know them, and they do not know my husband. I honestly wish everyone could find the love they seek, but many times, we need to love ourselves before we can find that love or at least nurture it. I actually do hope they find someone who can love them the way they want to be loved, and who is hopefully single, and wants to be with them. I was reading one mistress blog where she writes about how she has never been wooed, how she was lonely and she thought marriage would solve that, and then she struggled though a difficult and loveless marriage, and no one has ever been madly in love with her, then she went through a horrible divorce and the custody situation is bad… and I realized I am so lucky. My husband has always been and is madly in love with me. I dated before I met my husband, and was no virgin either, but once I fell in love with my husband (after many months of pursuit), I have always felt loved and in love. That’s over 30 years. Even after dday, I felt loved. Dealing with the betrayal is torture, but I am still passionately in love with my husband. It makes me sick that my husband has a horrible addiction that I didn’t know about, and even if I did know about it, I couldn’t have helped him with it. He has a lifetime of recovery ahead of him. I hope he knows he can no longer live a secret fantasy life and lie to me. Even if he doesn’t love the other women, if he acts out, he is saying he loves his addiction more than he does me, and that won’t work.
I have to admit I am a little sad to hear you say in the present that you are in love with Brian. There is so much that goes into a relationship. To me, the secret love affairs are just not that real. They are fantasy. Maybe you are in love with a fantasy, Lily? Anyway, I hope you are happy. That is what I hope for everyone. I do look forward to your posts.
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Ha, that IS mind blowing, isn’t it? Delusional whores will believe anything. SWxo
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