Journal Entry: September 11, 2014
This term, “mind-blowing” sex has been ruminating in my head for months now. Today is the 8-month anniversary of dday. Early in my trauma journey, I read some blogs and articles by mistresses. I was trying to understand why women cheat with married men, especially single women seeking out married men. There are a lot of articles from psychologists attempting to explain many of the most common reasons. The psychological reasons make sense to me, but they do not match up well with what the actual mistresses write about how they feel, or why they are doing it. The mistress posts are dripping with terms like multiple orgasms, take your breath away passion, and mind blowing sex. The other women only have a few “stolen” hours with these men (by their own admission, the hours are stolen), and they believe they are giving the married men something they couldn’t get from anyone else. I thought, WTF, are these women delusional, or so desperate for sex, that they think every encounter should include hours of “passionate” lovemaking and multiple orgasms, and nothing of real substance. The more they elaborate on orgasm after orgasm and the mind-blowing sex, the more I don’t believe it. One woman even claimed “her man” had six orgasms, and she had nine, in ONE EVENING! From my experience, most human bodies just do not work that way.
Surely the other women realize many men are opportunists and use sex for coping, for recreation, for medication, because they can. There are so many women out there willing to give it to them. All the men need to do in order to lure and keep the women is pretend sex is love, or convince the women that the sex carries with it a deep emotional attachment, or if the men are more broken than opportunistic, the sex with this particular mistress will solve some problem or other. Why do these women believe they are something more than just a booty call? Or do they? If they truly believed they were something more, why not demand something more than sexual encounters. A normal, healthy intimate relationship includes sex, of course, but it is just part of that loving relationship, not the WHOLE RELATIONSHIP. Some of these women, when things finally go south, and they inevitably do, end, even admit that they were being used for sex, but when they are in the relationship, they refuse to acknowledge what they are, a sex toy. I realize I am generalizing, but honestly, most of the blogs I read were pretty identical. Some of the women even said they did not want to know anything about the wife, or they did not ever want to see or meet the wife, that they would never tell the wife because the man needed to choose them without the drama of the wife finding out and that precipitating an ugly divorce, etc… But these women often do talk about the wives in very general terms and very generally derogatory terms. I read numerous entries with phrases like, ‘I can’t believe she has this great man and she neglects him, or treats him badly, or doesn’t want to have sex with him, or just wants to spend his money, etc… ‘ By their own admission, they do not REALLY know anything about the wife, merely what the man has told them. In the end, they realize the married man has been lying to them all along, but the mistress still does not want to admit that the man was lying about the wife. Clearly, I take issue with this part of the “game,” because I was extensively lied about and those lies precipitated the phone call to me, the stalking, and the “Kat blaming.” Funny how this woman is so mad at ME, because she lost a game to me that I did not even know I was playing. How pathetic. She lost because the rules were all fucked up in the first place. HE WAS LYING! Ugh, how do I get off on these tangents?
Now, back to the mind-blowing sex. Are these women so self absorbed that they think they are the best lovers these men have encountered? I feel pretty confident that all men who cheat are liars. They are obviously lying to the wife, but they are also very much lying to the mistress. I read two mistress blogs from beginning to, well, to break up. Not to the end of their blog, because, they are still out there, still seeking out validation from men, married, or whatever, still writing about it and also seeking validation from other mistresses. And they still seem miserable. I mean, they will write about how wonderful they feel when having sex with our husbands, and how sexy the men find them, etc…, but they do not by any stretch of the imagination sound happy. They do also like to write about how miserable the men are when they are not with them, but I don’t think they even believe that. They still think they are better lovers than most “wives.” In their loneliness, they troll sex chat rooms and dating sites, and pretend to be things that they are not. I read one mistress blog where she professes over and over to be every man’s fantasy, but as you read further, she admits to numerous sexual acts she won’t do, all of which even I gladly do, so she is certainly not my husband’s total fantasy package. What she is, is a whore that will have secret sex with my husband, and that is where the mind-blowing sex comes in. What they are having is obviously real sex, but it is not a real relationship, it is a byproduct of the sick games that are being played. This kind of shit works for a lot of guys, and the women are just rationalizing. My husband gets off on the secret life, the sneaking around, the planning, the plotting, the sexting, the fantasizing, so when the real thing happens, they get together, he is pretty much ready to explode from anticipation. Yes, this makes me sick, but I have to face the reality. For me, the mind-blowing sex the mistresses are talking about is a euphemism for secret, dirty, betrayal sex. She gets off because she is getting her man fix, whether emotionally, or physically, or both and she is selfishly taking something that doesn’t belong to her and closing off that part of her that knows the whole thing is a lie. He is getting sex from someone other than his wife, and for the moment, that does blow his mind. Until it is over, and then there is guilt and shame and the need to tell more lies in order to keep her on the hook, in case he wants to come back for more.
My husband and I have great sex. We role play, play out fantasies, we try a lot of different positions. We both love foreplay, and oral, and everything else. I would say in the past 8 months, we have had mind-blowing sex a few times. Our mind blowing sex is the kind where you can’t catch your breath, and at the end, you say, WOW, what was that? It is a treat, an occasional gift, it is not sustainable, but it is special when there is that much passion after 30 years of friendship and love. Mind blowing sex makes us smile, and laugh at each other that at our age, we can still feel like 20 year olds. My husband did not have this kind of mind blowing sex with his affair partner. He had the secret, this is totally wrong and we are hurting people and I am going to feel like shit after, kind of sex. We have good to great sex the rest of the time, and along with all that, we have been building back the loving relationship he believed we always had and that I thought we had until January 11, 2014. The fact that my husband had a secret sex life with a delusional woman who faked her orgasms and was willing to engage in lascivious sexting, secret sexual phone calls, and ritualistic sex fantasies with a sex addict who gave her absolutely nothing of substance, and she calls that a relationship, is MIND BLOWING.