It started on Valentine’s Day

Even though I feel stronger than I did a year ago, stronger as a person and stronger in my marriage, I am not sure I will ever be able to go through an entire day without some reference to the hell my husband has put me through. On Valentine’s Day afternoon, our dogs would not stop barking. Inside, outside, it didn’t matter, they were in a snit. We have a six year old golden retriever who is very well behaved, and a rather unruly one year old mini blue merle Australian shepherd that likes to bark at everything it seems, including his shadow. He is adorable, but the barking really grates my nerves. I was feeling unsettled. Sometimes when they bark uncontrollably, I feel like “she” must be somewhere near. Our pets have sensed my unhappiness and unease this past year. The golden would lay next to me, touching me, whenever I was crying or feeling depressed. Likewise, the cats would get right up on top of my chest, taking turns. I am sure they sensed the heart murmur and were trying in their best feline way to comfort me, calm me. There is almost no comforting me when the paranoia sets in. After all the stalking, I wouldn’t put it past that woman to walk right into our yard. I wouldn’t put it past her to do something horrible. She is crazy.

I needed to take a shower before dinner anyway, and I thought it would calm me. Blue Eyes offered to take the dogs for a walk. In the past, this might have been a trigger. Who knows who he is calling and texting while he “walks the dogs.” But we are past that. It has been more than 18 months since he has had contact with his acting out partner, and he knows that if he goes back into his cycle, our marriage is over. I am pretty sure I will sense it now, and even if I don’t, the higher power he needs to be answering to is himself. Can he NOW live with himself if he starts the abuse cycle all over again. If he does go back, I am not going to stick around to find out if he can eventually kick this thing. I will watch his journey from afar. In a safe place.

While in the shower, I could hear my office door opening and closing (my home office is right next to the bathroom). At one point, it was almost like the door was being slammed. I thought my husband was off on a walk with the dogs? My shower was maybe 15 minutes long, shortened because of my overwhelming uneasiness. Not only did he supposedly take the dogs on a walk during this time, but he apparently went in and out of my office numerous times, and then the dogs were barking again. Fuck it! I got out of the shower and finished getting ready. I gave up on calm and relaxing.

When we left for dinner, I was still on edge. We parked our car in our office tower parking space and walked the 3 or 4 blocks to the restaurant. There were a lot of people out on Valentine’s night downtown. For some reason, I felt like we were being followed. I could not shake the feeling. Gee how I wish I could be as carefree and unencumbered as my husband is after wreaking havoc on the lives of the ones he loves. Sometimes I feel bad that I am so moody now. I wish I could just be happy all the time. But then I look at him and honestly wonder how he is not in shreds inside. That is addiction. You can fuck with the people you love and keep going because the emotions that should have stopped you from the madness in the first place, aren’t there. Ah to be able to rationalize and compartmentalize like a cheating sex addict. I know I certainly wouldn’t need the Ativan if I could just block it all out.

Dinner was amazing. The ambience in this little restaurant is special. We have been here before, it is one of our favorites. The chef had prepared a special price fixe menu for the occasion. We shared many wonderful and mostly healthy courses. The breads are all whole grain and baked fresh each day in house. I had the scallop carpaccio with poached shrimp and red grapefruit for an appetizer, the fig tortelli with parmesan fondue for the pasta course (half came home to the Peacemaker), and the tombo tuna with fennel for the main. Blue Eyes enjoyed the chicken and barley soup with a parmesan proscuitto stock and shaved black truffles, the fig pasta, and guinea hen with farro risotto for his main course. The portions are perfectly sized so that you walk away content but not overwhelmed. We brought home the desserts to our son.

Unfortunately, the entire dinner I had my eye on the door and the sidewalk outside. Even though I knew Camilla would most likely choose work tonight as she has no life and it was a Saturday and a holiday, you just never know. Maybe she would choose this night to further torment me. My gut was in turmoil. We walked leisurely back to our office building and drove home. The whole evening was romantic and lovely and uneventful. There were no Camilla sightings, thankfully. I am pretty sure my continuing paranoia about Camilla will be a topic of conversation today at our couple’s counseling. I am also quite confident that I will schedule at least one separate individual therapy session with Ms. Second Chance to help me get past this bump in my road to health. The tension is not good for my heart.

As we sat in that dimly lit restaurant, I explained to Blue Eyes how debilitating it is for me to not have any closure with that woman. I am not sure if it is just because he chose a crazy woman to have a sexual relationship with, or that he ended it so abruptly, telling her he didn’t care about her and had only used her for sex, after having spent eight years convincing her he loved her and needed her. I know that I will probably never get the closure I seek. I crave closure.

Yesterday, I had dinner with two of my sisters, and eight of my nieces and nephews. They were in town for the holiday weekend. The get together was a lot of fun. They were actually exhausted from a day at the zoo and then swimming at their hotel, so it all worked out well. I love kids, but now that mine are grown, my patience has grown ever so slightly thinner with the pre-adolescents. The energy overwhelms me. The kids were great. When the children were busy eating, the conversation turned to my husband. My sisters do not know much about what has been going on. My Dad and step Mom know (because Blue Eyes told them) that he has struggled this past year and that he cut communication with his family. They know he is in therapy. That is about it. My sisters asked how Blue Eyes is doing. My Dad has nine kids, six girls, three boys, me being the oldest of the bunch. We range in age from 33-51. My Dad and his wife are Mormon. Their seven children together have experienced marriages, and divorces, and children out of wedlock, mixed race marriages, a transgender child, autism, and one husband coming home to tell my sister that he was cheating on her, and that it was with another man. He is gay and now married to that lover. Of their seven children together, three have remained mormon, so far. They are an interesting bunch, and I love them. But even with all that, I am not ready to tell them about my husband’s sex addiction, and I’m pretty sure Blue Eyes isn’t either. That’s fine, but it is incredibly stressful to have a conversation with your sisters and skirt around the real issue. They both were concerned with how I was doing. It is impossible to speak my mind, to be honest, without the truth on the table. I left the restaurant with that empty feeling, that my life is not my own, that I am not free to be and say exactly what I want. I don’t even know if I really want to tell them. They all have their own shit to deal with. Could they really help me. Would I all of a sudden be getting phone calls and emails from all my siblings? I’m not sure I could handle that either. I hate this whole thing.

Last night while I was at dinner with the sisters, Blue Eyes was at his first mindful meditation meeting at a Buddhist mindfulness Sangha, I think it is called? He had wanted me to go with him. I think he was a little afraid, scared of the unknown. It was good that he went alone. Anyway, he talked a little about it with me last night. He said it was a small group and the hardest part was the silent meditation that seemed to go on forever, which brought up visions of Eat, Pray, Love for me. I never did make it through the book (yawn), or the movie with Julia Roberts, but I do remember her struggling with clearing her mind for the meditation. Anyway, Blue Eyes was given the following Mindfulness reading to say out loud:

True Love
Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I am committed to cultivating responsibility and learning ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society. Knowing that sexual desire is not love, and that sexual activity motivated by craving always harms myself as well as others, I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without true love and a deep, long-term commitment made known to my family and friends. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct. Seeing that body and mind are one, I am committed to learning appropriate ways to take care of my sexual energy and cultivating loving kindness, compassion, joy and inclusiveness – which are the four basic elements of true love – for my greater happiness and the greater happiness of others. Practicing true love, we know that we will continue beautifully into the future.

How ironic. I asked him what he thought about receiving that reading. He said he thought it was a weird coincidence, kind of fate.

If I was him, and had done the things he has done, I would not have been able to read that passage. I would have fallen apart in the first sentence. I cannot shut off my emotions in the way he can. And I don’t ever want to shut off my emotions.

Sometimes it hurts like hell.

24 thoughts on “It started on Valentine’s Day

  1. The obsession wirh closure with these bitches goes on a while. Mine was a lifelong “friend” and I. Just. Didn’t. Get. It. How could she do this and show no remorse, rip me to shreds when I loved her and her son? Then the penny finally dropped. Properly. No one will ever get through to her. I went through the sociopath list and ticked 99% of the requirements about her. Trying to confront/talk/empathise. Never gonna happen. Not capable. She honestly has no idea and no care that I am shattered. Ruined. Heartbroken. Gutted….because she can’t FEEL anything. Love is not something she has any capacity for. Yes, they are all different, but the disordered are impossible to connect with on any level.

    Liked by 1 person

    • My husband and I just had another conversation this morning about the stalker. He apparently read my post. His solution, maybe if he appears less afraid of her, my fear will dissipate. Well, unfortunately, I can feel his fear even if he tries to hide it. I know it would be worse if she had been a friend, like a slithering snake in our lives, but I know this woman is violent. She has hit my husband before and she also threatened to take a gun from a police officer and turn it on him. Who does that shit? I think the alcohol and the mental illness make her extremely scary. I think my fear is viable. I just do not know what to do about it…. so, I am writing another post about it, ha! I do find this blogging somewhat comforting even though most of what I write is about stressful experiences. It is kind of a purge.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. A beaming happy smile should do the trick with the CC ( crazy Camilla) Then ignore her. Crazy is very unpredictable and as for having a conversation with her probably not worth it because as you say she will believe nothing you say and crazy people always turn things around.

    Got me thinking……how about putting an ad on Craigs list for her?

    Wanted….Male. Single or married….just a male…..any male…..for SEX . Sex with an aging….oops, mature social drinking and smoking assertive collector of crap woman ( lady might not fit) ????

    he he

    Liked by 1 person

    • She is not much older than you in age, but in looks and behavior, she is old. I do not want to for one minute imply that anyone in their upper 50’s is old 🙂

      You think just like my good friend. She suggested putting in a Craig’s List Ad and all kinds of other ads using Camilla’s email/phone number so she would get all the calls and emails. I would definitely want to put some things in there saying she loves doing them even though she doesn’t (I know very well from my husband what she does NOT like doing 🙂 ). It’s fun to talk about. Wish I could actually do it without it ever coming back on me. I have also thought of really fun things to send her anonymously in the mail, but I don’t want to start anything.

      I think the smile and ignore move is the best.

      Liked by 1 person

      • 60 is the new 40 unless you are the type of person to accept 60 as being OLD!!!!! Nothing worse than a frumpy 60 yr old complaining about everything going wrong in their bodies yet not willing to do something about it. ( change your life)
        Plotting revenge is fun. Actually doing it is not a good idea. My daughter came up with some horrific ideas and it made me realise I had better stay on her good side!!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. dealing with an unhinged person can be a bit tricky because you have no logical sane reactions to work with.
    My H’s OW Betty is not unhinged but obviously not that bright so I just treated her with empathy and kindness and compassion. It made me feel better in a strange way. Yer….what is wrong me? But seriously I felt sorry for her. Sure she did a shit thing by having a long affair with H but how sad must her life be to do that? How crap does she feel now? What a shitty way to live life in deceit and then to find out the MM you were in love with was seeing other women. She was a victim of her sadness and loneliness and she was sucked in by having my H being kind to her and using her. Sad.
    But on a happier note I am happy to hear BE going to Buddhist meditation. You must go with him. I did a bit of that on that retreat I went to. In fact we did a lot of mindfulness which is meditation without the chanting. Love love love what he had to read out.
    I have just started a mindful healing program that I will blog. I am only in day three but already feeling its effects. Our minds are so powerful. So powerful that that we need to learn to control them. Sort of like that naughty barking dog!!!! I have a border collie who is so smart she tries to train me and every so often I have to peg her back. Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, border collies are incredibly intelligent. Our mini AS has learned how to open the doors to the outside. Mostly this is fine as he loves it outdoors, but he doesn’t close the door behind himself, and sometimes he lets the indoor cat out with him, ha! Glad to hear about the mindfulness. I will probably go with him next time or go on my own. Yes, BE’s OW is less pathetic than Betty, but crazier. I really can’t wait for the day when I don’t think about her at all. My husband did use her, but that does not give her the right to stalk me. We have even thought about trying to set her up with another man, sort of surreptitiously, but we cannot think of anyone that would actually date her. She is mean and aggressive and unattractive and older and a smoker and a hoarder and an alcoholic. We don’t know any other people like that or that would find that appealing…


  4. What would I say… I swear in my head i practice saying hey whore! with a grin on my face and saying it so casually it just might be her actual name.. I almost wish she was crazy so I could have a reason to smash her face in, but as I have calmed down and I sent the text I felt I needed to say, calling her a whore to her face would be all I have to say.. And if happens to be at her work when we finally have the money to take a trip on a plane I will happily explain to her coworkers she was banging my husband and actually thought he was going to leave me.. Eh hes still here and shes still a whore! and he bought her the redskins jersey soo when she wears it to work know she had to sleep with my husband for it.. soo are the flights running on time? LOL..

    Im angry.. and any words out of her mouth cant hurt me but they sure as hell will make me angry! haha.

    Good luck.. and yes be prepRed in ur head what you will do and say.. My focus is not getting arrested..

    Liked by 1 person

    • I honestly wish my emotions ran more angry. At least I would feel like I was more powerful, had more control over the situation. I think she is an angry, vindictive bitch and that is why she has been able to run this show so far. I thought I could just forget about her, but then she shows up, randomly. My husband is afraid of her, so therefore so am I. We are a sad lot 🙂 . The truth is, she is pathetic. She has no other life. She never should have been with my husband in the first place. I often wonder if people ever find real love from a Craig’s List Ad? When she said he had ruined her for other men, she wasn’t kidding, but she forgot to mention there were no other men, probably won’t be. She has lots of time on her hands to plot and connive. I would love to send her a text or email or letter, but I know she would jump all over it and take the opportunity to jump into our lives. I’ve said this before, but at one point she offered TO PAY MY HUSBAND TO HAVE SEX WITH HER!!!! She also asked my husband if she could just come live with us??? WTF. She will never feel remorse or guilt or shame. She is looney tunes!!! I do like the idea of having a script worked out though. She might at least be taken aback for a split second if I take the upper hand! I will never be able to match her kind of crazy though!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Its simple… You cant argue with someone who wont argue back. The best thing is keep your cool no matter what.. Maybe say something like – oh sweety your STILL single! – and always smile.. at least that way security cameras have u playing nice and then if u have to beat her to a pulp u can say you were non confrontational… haha… 😉

        i dont know.. Im just pretty sarcastic in general and yea I think the anger gets the upper hand because that hooker must think im crazy cause she wont engage me.. And i bet if she sees me in public she would run in the other way..

        Liked by 1 person

        • You and my sister would get along well, ha! I wish I was more like you. I can be quite sarcastic, but fear is a big downer. Also, if we hadn’t called the police on her a couple times, I would probably be more willing to be the aggressor. I have heard so many stories about the other woman suing either the betrayed spouse, or the cheater. That would be horrifying although we do have facts on our side. If I approach her in any way, I think our leverage goes out the window. Maybe I should set up a dart board in the garage with her picture on it and just go at it for a couple hours a day. 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  5. Empower yourself. Plan what you will say to her if you ever come face to face, and practice it til you have it memorized. I personally would make it extremely vile but you may not be comfortable with that approach. When you are going someplace you think you might see her, practice it. When you have a sudden sense that she may appear, practice it. Put yourself in a position of power over this. You can do it.

    Liked by 5 people

      • I agree, B. I think this might make me feel better, more in control. In a session with Chatty Kathy, months and months ago, she told me she felt like I would eventually have a conversation with the other woman. That she felt it was inevitable. She said I needed to be prepared and that I must have the upper hand in the conversation if I ever hoped to get any peace. I think your idea is a very good one. My first instinct would not to be vile, but perhaps that is the only way to get the upper hand with her. I’m sure she senses my vulnerability. Thanks or the great advice!

        Liked by 1 person

        • Unless you want a conversation, you can avoid one with what you say! Plan to leave her speechless!

          I have something completely vile–though not vulgar–planned for someone in my past should I ever have the misfortune of running into her. I used to be hypervigilant about seeing her in a particular shopping mall but I don’t get tense about it anymore when I am there. I just feel calm and prepared.


              • Yeah, I wonder if that would work. Last time when my husband ran interference, she kept pursuing me, not sure what her plan was but as soon as she saw airport security, she backed away. I honestly think my husband thinks she might be violently dangerous (gun or knife), which adds to my stress. I need to keep my cool and keep it simple. Nothing I will ever say will be believed by her, and I get that.


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