Journal Entry: Thursday, January 16, 2014
He sleeps, and sleeps. He is sick. I cannot sleep. I am at my desk at 5:30am. This is definitely not me. I cannot get out of my own head. Meeting with my friend and the benign phone call with my Father seem like years ago. My husband came home from his business trip and now he is sick. This is so reminiscent of his trips with her. He often came home sick and exhausted. Please, make it all go away.
Every day, inside my head, I have thoughts, a lot of thoughts. I do not seem to have control over the thoughts. Fear overwhelms me. No Caller ID (a.k.a. the acting out partner) keeps calling. I do not answer her calls and she does not leave a message. I do not like what she stands for, nor do I like her for what has happened. But I also do not like myself right now. I feel like I should have known. I feel guilty, but I also feel abandoned and betrayed. I feel alone.
Mankind sits at a precipice. Many suffer the sins of their parents. Many children feel shame. Shame is overwhelming. How do we repair the abused Psyche? Do people really want to get well or do they just have a burning desire to jump off that cliff over and over again? What part of a person’s soul is broken when they continually hurt the ones they love. Cheating is not about sex. It is about emotional emptiness and abandonment. We are all alone.
For years, I stood at the door, watching him go and feeling utterly empty. Did I sense he was going off to meet someone else? Was I just pretending to be happy in my marriage, all the while ignoring the obvious? I was lonely, but I can honestly say I never ever thought he was going off to meet a woman. I thought he was going off to meet his other addiction: workaholism. Truth be told, his needs are great, his need to be held, his need to be sexually gratified, his need to be nurtured, his need to be successful. I know all about his childhood. I have known him for 30 years. I have witnessed his parent’s abuse first hand. Apparently they created a monster. A monster that looks so sweet and innocent and loyal on the outside, but inside he is angry and resentful and self centered. He wants what he wants when he wants it. He has strayed with other women before No Caller ID and yet, he sits as miserable as ever. Sex is not an answer to any problem. Sex is for pleasure. Sex makes you forget if only for the briefest of moments. Guilt and shame will eat him alive. He keeps making the same mistakes over and over again.
Will time actually lessen the pain? What will I do if it doesn’t? I cannot eat. I cannot sleep. I am numb. I made a conscious decision nearly 30 years ago to love, honor, and be faithful to this one man. He made the same promises. He did not keep them. Should I forgive him, and at what cost, to both of us. What do I pay if I leave? I can only answer to myself, but I am lost. I do not know the answer. I have me, but I don’t love me much right now. I wish No Caller ID would stop calling. I wish she never existed, but she is not the only one—just the worst one.