triggers and glimmers

Journal Entry: February 2, 2014

We got on a plane together for the first time since I found out my husband has been cheating for 15 years and taking his mistress on business trips for the past 5 years. I asked him how he was able to take his mistress on ten trips over the past five years and never once run into anyone he knows, either in an airport, or on an airplane, or at the hotels, etc… My husband travels A LOT. He often runs into people he knows, at least when he is with me he does. He said he didn’t know. Luck he guessed. He said he always scoured the gate before “making contact” with her. He said he looked over the entire plane before take off. They had a whole system worked out at hotels. She never went up to the desk with him. He never asked for two keys. They never rode in the elevator together. Wow. Such elaborate shenanigans for such a disgusting habit. How could she possibly feel like anything but a whore? Why would anyone want such a demeaning relationship? As we sat there in our seats watching passengers board, I felt that sick feeling of paranoia. I perused the airplane looking for anyone I thought might look like her. Paranoia is a crazy thing. I wouldn’t put it past her to figure out a way to stalk my husband and try and seduce him back. She truly believes she has something he wants and needs. She’s delusional. As we were sitting there watching passengers board, one of my husband’s good friends from high school is boarding. Imagine that. The very first plane we get on together, and there is a good friend of my husband onboard, just as I would expect. It feels like the whole universe was conspiring against me and allowing my husband to keep his secret for much, much too long.

The flight itself was a complete failure. All I could think about was them, on planes, together, doing sexual things. I completely fell apart and then I went away. I went to a place so deep no one could find me. All I remember is the nightmare that jolted me awake. It is a recurring nightmare. I am being stabbed. The pain is intense. I literally feel like I am being stabbed, my chest aches. Sometimes he and I are in the kitchen and he grabs a knife and stabs me in the heart. Sometimes I am on the street and I encounter her and she stabs me in the stomach. I always die and as I die I am thinking, why. Why are you doing this to me. And then I wake up.

The airport was a trigger too. He has been here with her before, at least a couple times. One of those times was when I was having a very scary medical procedure performed. My good friend went with me so I didn’t have to be alone. My husband could not cancel his business trip to the Bay Area. He was with her. I wish all these triggers were not important to me, but they are. His betrayal cuts deep, like that knife from my nightmare.

Most of the trips I go on with my husband are part business, part leisure. We stay at beautiful hotels and resorts. This trip was no exception. Unfortunately, not even a beautiful resort could make me feel better. We checked into our hotel and then he had to head off to meetings. Like I have said, my husband is the CEO of our company. His travel and the meetings he attends are critical to the success of our business. I understand this. Normally being left alone in a hotel room would not be a problem for me. Unfortunately, this time, I fell apart as soon as he walked out the door. I could not think of anything but the two of them in hotel rooms across the world. He came back and visited me for lunch. I felt better for a while, but then worse again when he left. Even a pedicure didn’t make me feel better. I usually enjoy talking with the person doing the pedicure, but now, I feel like I am merely putting on a facade. That I am not a real person anymore.

The rest of our trip to the bay area was in honor of a friend’s 50th birthday. The party was great, the location was awesome, the food was amazing. Since we didn’t know anyone well, except the birthday boy and his wife, mindless conversation with strangers wasn’t all that difficult. I could have just as easily sat outside the entire time staring at the lights from the bridge reflecting on the bay. I am not difficult to entertain. I wish I could have been more present. I was seated next to a cool guy who is a construction contractor. Since I love houses and remodeling, it was a great fit. He drank a lot and ate half my food and keeping up my end of the conversation was pretty easy. I was grateful for the chance to be away from the hotel room and happy we could be there in honor of a good friend.

The next day was Super Bowl Sunday. We watched the game from our room and did some bonding and connecting and it felt good. Knowing that we were getting on a plane the next day to go to Hawaii, a place I know for sure that he has NEVER been to with anyone but me, was bringing up my spirits a little bit. I need to be able to hold on to those little glimmers of hope for our future together. Without those glimmers, I do not know where I would be.

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