Journal Entry: June 13, 2014
We were back in Los Angeles earlier this week for therapy. I received a phone call from my mother regarding my step father’s birthday/father’s day this coming weekend. I have been making so many excuses for why we have been out of town so much, and why we have been so distant, and why we have not attended family events, and I just could not do it anymore. I am an honest and open person who is not prone to lying or hiding, even if it is for my own good. It was time for me to come clean about why I was attending therapy out of town and why I had been so distant for the past five months. While on the phone with my mother, I broke down and told her everything. All they had known was that my husband had been going through a difficult time and had decided to cut his parents out of his life. They knew that he had broken some promises to me (this is what my husband’s therapist had suggested we tell people), but they had no idea what those promises were.
My mother was shocked when I explained the severity of my husband’s situation, his addiction, and my subsequent and ongoing trauma. Like everyone else that knows the truth, she admitted that they did not know anyone else diagnosed as a sex addict and they really had no idea what that meant, but they of course knew lots of betrayed spouses… my mother having been one herself 45 years ago. I tried to explain our situation the best I could, but I suggested Blue Eyes and I come to their house when we returned home. My mother agreed that would be a very good idea. The reason I had not wanted to tell them before is because they already have enough stress in their lives with my borderline sister and her needs, as well as the fact that my step father is dying from prostate cancer. We don’t know how much time he has left… maybe months, in our dreams and prayers, he would have years. He had his prostate removed approximately 12 years ago, but the cancer had spread to some lymph nodes. They treated him then, but knew it was only a matter of time before the cancer would be found somewhere else in his body. They said it would probably take a decade. Almost exactly two years ago, doctors found the cancer in his spine. The medications have kept the cancer small, the PSA scores low. But cancer is very good at adapting to medication and he has gone through two already. We keep hoping for new medications. My step father doesn’t need this extra stress. But then I decided to take to heart what all the therapists have been saying to me… I cannot protect people from pain or stress. It is best that my parents know the truth. Not knowing why we have been so distant is also stressful. Knowing the truth and knowing that we are working through it, and how we are working through it, was the better decision for me right now.
We sat down at my parent’s kitchen table, where we had sat so many times before for happy occasions, holidays and birthdays and really great family meals. Today was not one of those happy days. Blue Eyes started in on his story, the real story, the one that includes childhood neglect, sexual abuse, and humiliation. He traveled through his painful adolescence and his obsession with masturbation and porn. He eventually explained about his affairs and the destruction he had perpetrated on our marriage. He talked about my cutting incident and how he has not been able to metabolize the shame, it is so overwhelming. It took a while for him to traverse his nearly 50 years of life, such as it is. Both my parents were in tears. I am glad I come from this amazing family of empathetic people who love my husband, but I am usually really astonished by how quickly they come to his aid while seemingly forgetting about my needs. I don’t really think they forget about my needs, I think they just view me as this pillar of strength who can handle anything, take on the world. I took about an hour to explain to them how, in the face of infidelity, I am not that pillar. I crumbled. I told them in great detail about the phone call from the other woman. I explained to them how she has not given up on a relationship with Blue Eyes and about the subsequent phone calls and the card. About how Blue Eyes was under the impression that this secret life would never cross over to his real life and that due to where this woman lives, and who she is, there were so many degrees of separation, that it would never be an issue. Well, he was sadly mistaken. This woman, ironically, went to the same high school I did (albeit eight years before me), she actually works at the medical center where my parents receive ALL of their medical services, and she lives really close to my sister. She knows all our names and about our lives, and she is not very stable. Every time I drive by her exit on the freeway, I have a panic attack. She was in his life for over eight years. She thinks she has earned a spot in his life now. What a fucking nightmare.
A weight has been lifted. We can now speak openly and honestly to my parents about our situation, and if I have to leave my husband, they will not have to wonder why.