Journal Entry: August 11, 2014
I wake up sad and lonely. I want to go back to the place where someone took care of me, where someone loved me unconditionally, where someone nurtured me and didn’t take me for granted. I want to go back to the place where I played all day, out in the sunshine, without a care in the world. I want to ride my bike to the little store and spend a whole dollar on something totally frivolous. I want to burst through the door and share with my parents my perfect straight A report card, and watch the smiles light up their faces. Because I’m that kid. I want to go home. And then, I realize I am home.
There is no safe place anymore. No matter how good I have been. No matter how loyal and kind and loving, none of it matters. I have done everything right and I am hurting anyway. Today I woke up with severe back pain. I think I am going through menopause. My whole body is changing before my eyes. I am weaker. Everything is different. I am sick all the time now. I am unmotivated. I do not want to make myself breakfast. I do not want to take a shower. I do not want to take a walk or do anything around the house, and I especially do not want to work. I do not want to do anything. I want to go home.
My mind holds the pain of his betrayal, but my computer holds the fuel to feed my mind. I wake up and go to my computer, ostensibly to do some work, maybe I will get in two or three hours today, but fear and anxiety overwhelm me. I match dates on my calendar to known acting out dates. I am shocked by his double life. I am shocked he had a whore. I am shocked that he lied so destructively about me to another human being. I am overwhelmed by the lengths he went to to feed his own selfish desires. I am also disgusted by his rationalizations. I do not ponder the specific details, as much as I think about how I was just another pawn in an elaborate game he was playing with everyone. No matter what was going on in our life, he ultimately chose his addiction. I want to go home.
I do not want to go back and think about what happened all those days. But if I am not aware of what happened, how will I ever feel safe going forward. Can I ever really feel safe again? As much as I want to believe the work he is doing on his recovery will be enough, fear overwhelms me. How can you betray a person to the extent he betrayed me, and then expect me to be able to believe anything he says? I want to go home.
When he expresses his love, I do not really believe he knows what love is. It makes me sad that I used to think he loved women, and that was why he flirted mercilessly. I used to think he respected women. Now I don’t believe it. I believe he resents women. He uses women. The thought of how he objectifies and manipulates women makes me want to run far, far away. I want to go home.
When he does things for me, I feel it is out of guilt. He is so unstable. He is unable to make plans and keep them. He is indecisive. He is unbalanced. I know I need to practice patience. I am running out of patience. I want to go home.
I used to think my husband was devoted, passionate, wonderful, well-intentioned, confident, considerate. He was loving, quirky, charming, and kind. To me he was brilliant, affectionate, ambitious, enterprising, and gentle. I question everything now. Now I know him to be petulant, emotional, selfish, self-absorbed, insincere, spiteful, resentful, pensive, distant, cowardly, condescending, manipulative, and immature. I want to go home.
Will I ever feel safe and loved in my own home again? When will I stop feeling like the only way through this, is out of this?
I want to go.