Journal Entry: August 14, 2014

Today is another trigger filled day. Today is the one year anniversary of the last day my husband saw Camilla. They did not have sex. He had meetings out of town in a large city three hours away by car. From the phone records, I know they had been texting pretty much non-stop since their last sexual encounter, July 30, 2013. According to my husband, he was trying to talk her down, keep her from calling me. Now he was admitting (after the phone records) that it always took a while to get her to back off after a trip or a hook up. He asked Camilla to drive with him out of town, a day trip. Three hours there, three hours back. My son was originally going to drive with him, but he cancelled with our son. He was breaking things off with Camilla for good. After more than eight years of playing games and manipulating each other, he was done. His therapist had given Blue Eyes some books to read and he was beginning to put together the pieces of his life. He wanted to make better choices. He was through with the cheating (at least in his mind, at the moment). The drive up was pretty benign. Regular old conversation about life. She drove (MY FUCKING CAR) and he worked part of the way. I had encouraged my husband to take my car (obviously having no idea a whore would be driving it or that there even was a whore in our lives). Even though it got horrible gas mileage, my car was the more comfortable ride. I knew he hated that drive. My husband gave up his Mercedes a few years back, for a little hybrid Toyota Prius, you know, so he could do his part. He’s such a conscientious guy. I did not give up my gas guzzler. Once I found out that she had ridden in my car, and driven my car, sat in the same seat I sit in, I got a new car… and it is a nice new car! I was originally going to drive up with Blue Eyes, but our older son decided to grace us with his presence and I was not going to miss out on any time with him. I thought my husband would reschedule his meetings to be with our son, but of course, he did not. Anyway, she drove up and then he dropped her somewhere in town so she could go shop for whatever hoarders shop for. My husband picked her up a few hours later, after his meetings. As they headed back home, he in the driver seat, he broke up with her. I tend to think he did not do a very good job of it since she asked, “if anything were to happen to Kat, could we be together?” Once he told her no, never, things went from bad to very very bad. Apparently he had been effectively avoiding that question in the past, most likely leading her to believe there would be a relationship, so she would keep coming back and giving him sex when what she really wanted was a real relationship. I mean why would he not want a relationship with her? She was giving him everything his horrible wife wasn’t, right??? She became verbally and physically abusive and by the time he dropped her at her house, she was screaming at him over and over what a fucking asshole he is. Well, on that, Camilla, I can agree with you. She continued obsessively calling and texting and threatening him for an additional nine days, which he apparently blocked out of his mind. They have not seen each other since one year ago today. Even though I want to feel good about this, it still scares me, because I know from the copious history that my husband has provided to me, he had previously gone for more than 15 months without seeing her. This time, however, I think she believed him when he said he would never see her again, because this time, come hell or high water, she was going to get ahold of me and make me suffer, and she did, nearly five months later.

I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.

Robin Williams

Today, I finally felt like sharing my thoughts about Robin Williams’ death. I posted this on Facebook:

I have waited to post, mainly because there has been so much posted, so much written and Facebook is such a strange forum. I want Facebook to be all sunshine and rainbows (and laughs from George Takei posts), but alas, it is not. For many reasons, recent days have been emotionally overwhelming for me. I did not know Robin Williams, but I have known and do know people suffering with addiction and depression. As difficult as it is, it is not for me to validate his illness or judge his suicide, it is not my place to try and determine whether addiction and depression are set on their path by nature or nurture, or both or even try to figure it out. I have learned the hard way that I cannot live in another’s pain. But I do feel pretty confident that pain is what this is all about. A deep and undeniable pain. It makes me very sad. I wish everyone suffering from addiction and depression could get the help they need. It is disheartening to absorb the fact that wishes often do not come true. I need to be happy anyway. RIP Robin Williams.

The truth is, I am heartbroken about the state of my marriage, and therefore the state my life is in right now, and I am heartbroken about Robin Williams’ suicide.