Thoughts for today

I knew it wasn’t perfect

Not me, not you. Our faults were written all over our faces, and on every wall and in all the spaces.

Me, always too much. Always the first and last to speak and share. The one with all the words, the one who never shuts down and always cares.

You, with never enough. Closed off inside. All the words left unspoken, the promises all broken.

Everything I didn’t know. My trust the shield I always wore. I love with everything I am. My support is given, no questions asked.

You with all the wounds, always hiding who you really are, inside those private places, never knowing the true cost of all the lies and all the cold, hard faces.

This is who I am today, a woman changed, a woman disgraced. My questions always answered with plausible excuses, indifferent responses, continued abuses.

You still live inside your mind, never growing less selfish, never being less unkind. Your emotions broken as an early child, impossible to resurrect what you can’t find.

We stumble through just like before, we laugh, we dream, I ask for me. You turn away from my longing and pleading, knowing you just don’t have it in you, and I think of leaving.

You’ll never make those same mistakes, but others vaguely similar always lie in your wake.

I dream of something simpler still, of peace and silence and nothing cruel. I think about how deftly you lied, how little you cared, how you still live in denial.

All I ever wanted was love, which to me means kindness, integrity, and truth. I didn’t think it was too much to ask, but it was, because the emptiness inside lets me know, you’re just not up to the task.

There was never a day when your lies were okay. There was never a day when my heart went astray. I’m left feeling cold, with no chill in the air. I’m left feeling empty, broken, and bare.

You say you can do this, I’m just not convinced. The time passes and here I sit.

The addiction was a symptom, I know that for sure, because without a drug, you’re no more secure.

I’m not the enemy, I’ve always been the friend, I’m just not sure you know the difference, or care, in the end.

38 thoughts on “Thoughts for today

  1. I read BE’s post too. There’s a lot in there about how he’s trying to improve himself. It’s sorely lacking though in what effort he’s making to improve your relationship. I’m not sure why our guys (mine included) confuse self-improvement with work and effort on the marriage/ partnership, but they are two very different things. I don’t know about you, but I don’t care how many meetings my husband goes to or how much he meditates or how much of the white book he reads if he’s not actively demonstrating with consistent behavior that he prioritizes me and our family. I get your frustration. I hope BE does too.

    Liked by 3 people

    • You hit the nail on the head, blackacre. I am always so impressed by you and how quickly you grasp these extremely difficult concepts needed for true healing. His blog entry bothered me, and then a short and simple conversation we had yesterday morning added to it. I wrote that poem in about 25 minutes and decided to post it last night while he was at his Sangha, because that is how I roll. I am currently writing a follow up post. BE has gone through so many phases and here we are in year six. With all the work, there is still anger and resentment there regarding his childhood. It has nothing to do with me, and yet, sometimes I get caught in the fray. It’s tiring. He’s tiring. He does and says mostly all the right things, we have a great life, and yet… here I am. Much love. xo

      Liked by 2 people

      • At some point one has to move beyond childhood trauma. I’m not suggesting that he should just “get over it” any more than I’d suggest that to a betrayed partner, but it doesn’t give someone a lifetime excuse to be a selfish prick. Therapy would seem to be more helpful at this stage if it focused on the problems of today as opposed to the long ago past. Why is it more important that his mom treated him horribly decades ago than it is that he was uncaring or selfish yesterday? It isn’t. If BE wants to focus on one he has to focus on the other too.

        Liked by 2 people

        • Totally agree, Blackacre. I often wonder just how successful therapy really is. My borderline sister has been in therapy for 30 years. It’s mind boggling to someone (me) who doesn’t struggle with the same mental illness. But I am not married to my sister and have set up proper boundaries with her. Blue Eyes is a whole different story. I’m actually feeling a bit enlightened after responding to Marie above. Most likely another blog entry will emerge today. xo

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Profound. “If not now, when?” I remember feeling exactly the way you described. It is a lonely place to be and you don’t want to stay there too long. Your sunshine is just waiting to burst out. Holding you gently in my thoughts today. I’m at a loss to even share all the ways my own husband made necessary changes in the way he lived his life with me after D-day but they were big and very noticeable. I’ve never even asked him how he was able to go from being all about #1 to all about me because now I am #1. He says that all the time. His job is to keep me happy whatever it takes. So far, so good. I still look at his changes as a flipping miracle so I guess that I should believe in miracles. If my spouse had the capacity or developed the capacity to do it I am hopeful that yours will too. You deserve that and so much more.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hi Marie. Thanks for your lovely comment. I am so happy you are happy. Those bitterly lonely and unhappy days are long behind me. Today I look squarely in the face of the truth. My poem represents 5 1/2 years of living with a recovering sex addict, and was written in less than 30 minutes. BE has worked through acknowledging he is an addict, he has done the steps in their entirety and visits them often. He found his empathy and we have spent many days crying together, holding each other, loving each other, even and especially since discovery. He has indeed made profound changes. BE continues to work on the necessary improvements in order to be a “better partner.” I don’t want him to lose who he is in pursuit of being perfect for me. I don’t need to be #1, I want a full partner who is healthy and happy in himself and what he does for himself. I don’t want him to pretend. I never wanted him to change who he was, just how he medicated his deep wounds. The problem is, he isn’t that same person I knew before discovery. Without his drug, I can see the anger and resentment, which goes back to his childhood. Those emotions run very very deep and he needs to get to the bottom of them. Since his parents are no longer in his life, and he no longer has his drug, I can feel it simmering beneath the surface and some days it spills over onto me. BE’s addiction was not about me, and his recovery isn’t either. I’m just not willing to be a scapegoat anymore. xoxo

      Liked by 2 people

      • Kat,
        I did approach my spouse about his transformation and of course each of our spouses are different in their approach to accepting themselves and the choices they made for whatever reason they made them. In probing deeper he told me that when he let me inside of his head and heart he realized that it wasn’t all that scary after awhile. (I was his evil mother historically who always wanted to control him he says.) He says that by putting me first, meaning that in pretty much all social situations he finds himself in when alone or with people other than me, he mentally asks himself how I would feel about the situation he is in. That has transformed how he lived his entire life which was always “Me first” and self-centered and selfish and self-serving. It is an easy connect the dots from his selfishness to his infidelity . He just never thought about me or the kids or anyone except what he wanted, when he wanted it and how to get it without getting caught. A master liar and cheat. He evidently really needed me inside his head for the first few years and now it has become a good habit of mentally consulting me inside his head when he is out. So if he plays golf and goes to the club after for a beer with his golf buddy he knows that I expect that and I know when he will be home. In reality, he now has a habit of texting me on the last hole, telling me he is going to have a beer and then texting me when he gets settled to make sure I don’t want to come down and meet up with him and his friend and often his friend’s wife. For him, in all honesty the past almost four years have been the only time in our 40 years together that he thinks about me in a context of what he is doing. He use to tell me he would be home for dinner at 6 and show up at 7:30. Regularly. Forget that having a meal with the family is a ritual. Forget that I might have been cooking all day or making something special. Forget that he had any responsibilities other than himself and his life. If I stopped cooking or made other plans in anticipation of his not showing up when he said he would, he would always get angry and denied that he was ever late. All that anger at me because he was deep into the hours of porn after hours at work when his staff left. How dare I question his use of time and why in the hell shouldn’t he be at the office until 7 or so every night? That craziness has stopped and I think I was trying to relay that in my prior comment. My husband has learned to be accountable to himself by learning how to think about others and how his choices and behavior affects them. I, of course, am the person he yearns to please and make up to for the decades of lies and deception. It is truly remarkable to finally be married to someone who considers my feelings when planning anything. I wish the same for you. I honestly did not expect my husband to be capable of the changes he has made in his life. It was hard for him to step out of the character he spent years developing to become the person he really likes now. I am now curious about what the next couple of years will bring. It sounds like you were better at the 4 year mark than now?

        Liked by 1 person

        • I totally understand Marie and am truly happy you are both in a good place. Blue Eyes is still dealing with low self worth and childhood trauma (thus the EMDR) in his recovery. Having cut himself off from his entire family, he is constantly confronted with dates and events that happen without him, like his Mother’s birthday, Mother’s Day, his niece’s graduation (to name a few recent ones)… I know he fights with himself about what is the right thing to do, stay no contact, or acknowledge they won’t change and re-enter their lives, because he misses them (ala Stockholm Syndrome). I know as every event comes, and goes, these thoughts simmer underneath the surface and it’s heartbreaking frankly. I know he knows reconnecting would be hurtful, potentially devastating, to all of us. I believe that conundrum causes him anxiety, anger, and resentment, the psychological trifecta that haunts him almost daily. A couple weeks ago was the 9 year anniversary of his brother’s suicide. He didn’t mention it, we were in San Francisco, the town he was born in, but I’m sure he didn’t want to burden me or ruin our time together. That doesn’t mean it didn’t affect him. I’m a freakin’ empath who thinks about everything. I didn’t bring it up either. All of this coupled with running a company, hiring and firing people, him being pretty solely responsible for 95% of sales. This drives him and stresses him all at the same time. This is life as we know it. On a daily basis, he treats me like a goddess… luxury trips, fancy dinners, gorgeous hotels, wonderful spa treatments, phone calls and texts all day, a hundred I Love You’s, he does most of the dirty work around the house, and he loves me in his own way, I know this, but the anxiety he deals with seeps out onto me. Yes, we were better at some things at 2, 3, and 4 years after discovery, and far worse at others. What lingers is the underlying mental anguish simmering underneath and his inability to share with me, which sometimes turns into him behaving like he blames me. That’s what the poem represents. After talking this out here, I can see I was mostly triggered by his blog entry. Thank you for helping me interpret my feelings! ❤️

          Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! This tribe has kept me going on many days. I had a rough morning yesterday. The words spilled out. Me, personally, I’m okay. Our relationship is on a bit of rocky ground, but it has been for a while. I need more from him. Not more flowers or gifts or I love you’s. I need him outside his head sharing and understanding. Understanding how critical it is that he shares and also that he shows a more selfless side. I don’t want the actor, the pretender. I am real. I need him to be real. His armor is thick. xo

      Liked by 1 person

      • Understood over here. Without transparency of his true self, thoughts and meanings of actions, you’re left wondering a whole lot of stuff (mostly shit thoughts that results in nothing good). This may be part of his control issues, I’m sure you know this and it doesn’t make any of what you’re feeling any less valid, but this may be who he is.

        I hope he understands and can make those tweaks (that will make him feel incredible too) before it’s too late resulting in irreparable damage. Everyone needs to do what they said they can and would do – period. But if not, and it’s proven he just talks the talk, well then you’ve got some thinking to do.

        Stay strong beautiful xo

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Oh my word Kat, you wrote out my life here.

    What a hopeless place to find ourselves in, after surviving so much.

    The emptiness is agonising. We’ve done everything we can and it is not enough. Changing ourselves is all we have and all they have, but they can’t or won’t go further than ‘sexual sobriety’; which as you say, “was a symptom, I know that for sure, because without a drug, you’re no more secure.”

    It was just the the tip of the iceberg.

    “I didn’t think it was too much to ask, but it was, because the emptiness inside lets me know, you’re just not up to the task.”

    “You say you can do this, I’m just not convinced. The time passes and here I sit.”

    “I didn’t think it was too much to ask, but it was, because the emptiness inside lets me know, you’re just not up to the task.”

    “ you still live in denial.”

    “You’ll never make those same mistakes, but others vaguely similar always lie in your wake.”

    “We stumble through just like before, we laugh, we dream, I ask for me. You turn away from my longing and pleading, knowing you just don’t have it in you, and I think of leaving.”

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yes, Jangled, empty, agonizing, hopeless. He’s sexually sober, but I never knew he wasn’t. He’s in recovery, which is all for him. Everything seems to be for him. Addiction is ultimately a large and selfish bandage covering up mental illness. I frankly just want a thoughtful, kind, selfless partner and I don’t have it. It’s as simple as that. xo

      Liked by 4 people

      • Selfish is the perfect description. It’s all about them. All.
        I am just so sick of longing and pleading. I want to stop it right now. I have to stay vigilant with myself because I have many sneaky little ways of getting past myself and before I know it, I’m doing the pleading again, one way or another. Buying a book or a video for ‘us’ to work on or seeing he hasn’t charged his iPad, never mind read the fucking book, and plugging it in for him so he can actually read it if he, in some parallel world, actually gave a fucking shit.

        Liked by 3 people

  4. She has clearly, absolutely, positively, and definitely done everything in her power to “get over it.”
    You have had seemingly infinite opportunities for do-overs.
    If not now, when?

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I know you will never get over what I have done to you, my best friend. I killed you. I betrayed you. I took what was sacred and destroyed it. I took that which I loved most and literally destroyed it. That is what I did. Today and forever I need to be there for you, for us. I need to be the warrior. I am not over it. I found out my best friend died. I murdered her. I can never come back from that. But I can rebuild and start again. I know I suck at it, I know the clock is ticking. Change everything I must. My breath is gone. How could I have done this to my beloved. No words 😶 gratitude for the chance don’t blow it. I am wrong and today I was so wrong.


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